Before work I took Ethel out for her evening walk. We passed a house that had an unleashed fat little yellow dog guarding it. It was some sort of Chihuahua mix that made a terrible racket as we got close. Ethel asked it, “Why you making so much noise?"
The fat yellow dog said, “I'm guarding this place and I don't know how else to do it!"
“That's dumb, you should play with me!" said Ethel.
And the fat yellow dog said “Okay, but I can't leave my yard!"
So the two of them ran back and forth like maniacs but the unleashed fat yellow dog never set a paw off the grass of his yard, no matter how much Ethel tempted him he stayed true to his chore. It felt right and filled me with contentment.
He was panting hard but the fat yellow dog thanked me for playing with him and thanked Ethel by kissing her face. She didn't like that.
It set me into a reverie and made me think about things I haven't had time to think of for a long while.
I used to have a girl friend in Europe. She was a cat walk model, even got the occasional magazine spread. She was 6'2“ and 38 D, and they pointed up! I describe her intimately because we never liked each other much, we just had the best sex of each of our lives. The only conversation we ever had was pillow talk, and only a fool sees pillow talk as something more than it is. She and I always had issues. We didn't agree on much. The issues got far worse when ever one of us got "brood-ish“ or felt like nesting. Fortunately neither of us ever felt that way at the same time or we might have been in one of those relationships that only get resolved with ice picks or small caliber weapons at close range.
Still we saw each other off and on for nearly 3 years. When I got sick and diagnosed I went to see her. Don't really know why, but I did. And afterwards I told her I was ill and at first she was quiet and then she kissed me and then she said something I'll never forget: "Your stomach's flat and your dick gets hard. You're okay.“
It might sound stupid, trite or whatever, but I thought it was a nice thing to say, because I think she was and is right. Maybe it's because I'm from LA.
We didn't like each other very much, except in bed. We didn't agree about many things. But she was right that looking for reasons to feel bad is easy. Being too busy to feel good is the lie we tell ourselves. Things are simple and pleasure is there whether we acknowledge it or not.
Saw Dana again tonight. I was quiet. So was she. I'm very comfortable being quiet with people. I enjoy just being with them sometimes. I don't need to fill it with chatter. I asked if she was okay and she said she felt very good. Ethel made her laugh, I'm sure it was Ethel because my dog does act like a fool and I, of course, am always the picture of decorum.
The most addictive drugs are the ones that are intermittingly pleasurable.
"Sometimes it is harder to deprive oneself of a pain than of a pleasure."
    F Scott Fitzgerald