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April 30, 2005

This is a time

Geometry 1024
Click images for desktop size: "Geometry"
Salubrious day today. Kind of normal which made it highly abnormal for me, I guess. I mean, it was a good day. This being at peace makes me nervous. I'm more comfortable being distressed I guess, which is stupid and shows the way our minds try and deceive us as it tries to protect us.

I went to help my friend, one of the people I'm staying with, rehab this house he bought. It's an old house that had some ridiculous "improvements" made to it. Thing that made it fun for me was that I've helped build some theaters and recording studios so I thought, in that perverse masculine way, that I was an expert. Working with him I found out I knew nothing. Like we tore up some floor boards - I used might and maim to get about 10 feet torn up in about 3 hours. I would dig and force, curse and tear. It was a pretty fab workout. He came in and using brains and technique finished the final four feet in about 10 minutes using technique and intelligence. I don't think he sweated and, of course, I was sodden. Bebe Neuwirth W1 I like learning that I've been wrong about something, especially in myself. It means there's always hope for everyone. The rest of the day was calm. Epitomized by my watching some pee wee little leaguers practice catching and throwing. I made some mp4's from their CD selection, ate another great meal, walked the dog around a pond and tried to work myself into a state of anxiety about the fact that I'm still not working and I'm still actually homeless. I think I need that edge. I have expectations and hopes for work but nothing concrete and I've been at it for a week. I'll get the Sunday paper tomorrow and restart the process. Hopefully I'll get a cumulative effect going and come out alright.

April 29, 2005

Into The Shadows

Dali New York 1024
Click images for desktop size: "Dali's New York"
Today was a test of my mortality.

I got a phone call from the employment agency about the bank job. Even though my speed on their tests was only "very good" they were going to push me for the bank. A couple of hours later I got the call that the bank hired someone else. Which was a mixture of relief and disappointment, with the disappointment winning out. Then I found out that I'm going to get a miniscule amount of cash from Unemployment, after 5 months of insisting that I earned more than $75 a quarter they finally believed me. And then my friend insisted I get the new glasses I need. I was going to wait on that . . . probably indefinitely . . . she loaned me the money and it was a staggering amount. Staggered me anyway. Sometimes you feel more than mere gratitude. Dracula01 Went grocery shopping together and they had free samples like on every aisle. I ate enough for a meal, and hardly felt any embarrassment about it. I applied for a few more jobs, handled business and now am waiting to be employed. I guess the most important thing today was discovering that I've stumbled on the cat's nefarious plans to kill me. Feline deceptors! One sleeps with me to monitor my every move while the other lolls around the stairs fully intending to trip me and send me to my death. I'm devising a defense but the support I expected from the good ol' dog has not been forthcoming. It's sad to realize I'm comfortable and happy as I fall deeper into debt and still have no way forward. It would be easier if I didn't have to foil the feline death squad but I'm trying.

April 28, 2005

What I believe in my soul ain't what I see with my eyes
Little Steven Van Zandt

Nissaka Today was a fun day with a bit of pleasant sadness. I started out early for a job interview out on the outskirts; a 90 minute bus ride. It was odd in that people were polite. Courtesy is still something I notice. I turned the trip into an adventure by missing my stop. It was more panicky then I imagined because the next stop was a bit over two miles away, which meant I had to walk about 4 miles to the interview. When I left England I was given a watch fob thing. At the time I wondered why they put a compass on a watch. I got lost but was able to recover nicely with map reading and watch-compassing, which was cool, especially because there was nothing but fields and fortress like buildings along the lost and the proper route. There was no one to offer aid or directions. I used to get lost all the time with Ethel. Dogs must sense befuddlement as she would start looking for nice places for us to sleep that night; with her usual grandiose promises of hunting down a dinosaur so we'd have food; she would assure me that dinosaurs were a very good food for a dog. Somehow the image always seemed to be of Ethel eating the dinosaur leg and me getting the toes. I think she was always slightly disappointed when I figured out how to get home, but she never let it show, she just made more plans. Irishwolf1280X960 While I was walking I was listening to Sonny Terry blues. Even though I was lost I still had plenty of time. While I was thinking about how much less garbage there was on the roadsides here and admiring the beauty of the day I came across a rather splendid field. There was a creek, and some small woods and a hill. It was part of a museum's acreage! This might creep people out but I've carried Ethel's ashes with me on the trip cross country. I kept them in my back pack with my other essentials. I thought that this is probably the end of the journey and it was time to say goodbye. There's a Raymond Chandler quote I remembered: "The French have a saying for it. The French have a saying for everything, the bastards. To say goodbye is to die a little." I thought this would be a good place for Ethel, my little dog. I opened the can. If you've never seen them they put human and animal ashes in the same sort of container, like an oversized tin film can with the ashes in a plastic bag. It was hard to open and I ended up more or less ripping the top off when I couldn't unscrew it. Hemiptera Cicadidae 1280X96I realized that I've done this too many times in my life because of two things - the first thing I did was make sure my back was to the wind, and when I scattered the ashes I didn't think at all about how small a quantity it seemed to be the last remains. I think it was a good place. If there's any truth about that stuff about our spirits following our remains, Ethel would be happy here. There'd be plenty of bugs for her to study, there was a horse that she could look at all google eyed, water and a hill to watch it all from. There were a lot of birds and birds are supposed to be some sort of dinosaur so she could pretend to hunt them. Maybe some kids would sometimes play some ball on the fields, she liked to watch base ball. I didn't see any of those bad cats who swat good dogs in they noses. She was safe from the people who were mean to us. It was the best I could do. Less then she deserved but the best I could do. I was saying goodbye when someone shouted at me, "Hey, what are you doing?" There was a guy in a gray worker's uniform walking quickly towards me. I kind of snarled, which was unfortunate, "I'm scattering my dog's ashes." I forgot that I was about 5 inches taller than him, wearing shades, a black pinstripe suit, a full Windsor knot in my tie and carrying a heavy black pack. I don't think he was used to being snarled at by someone decked out like that or maybe he was too used to it. Federal Agents Vs Underworld(Lc)3He was close to apologetic and said, "Oh, I was afraid you were littering." I felt bad about snarling at him so walked a bit of the way back with him. He asked me if it was a good dog. I said her name was Ethel and she was a good dog. After a moment he said he had had a good dog once; he said "I think that dog understood me better than my wife." I laughed and told him I had to go to a job interview. He told me not to worry about my dog, no one would bother her here. I crumpled up her can and was careful to put it into a trash receptacle. I was on time for the interview. I had to do some more stupid testing and be interviewed by a nice but stupid young woman. It was a pleasant epic with lots more getting lost to get back home. I didn't realize that out here in the sticks that the bus schedule would change mid-day. When i got home, thanks to my friend rescuing me as I'd managed to get to the wrong town, there was a call for me from the agency I'd just left with a potential job offer. Problems with the transportation to get there and problems with the work and problems with my skills are just slightly below what they want, but it's my first bite and it's to feel good about.

April 27, 2005

Some people improve the condition of the world simply by being alive

Whtzombie01 Early night tonight. Going for a first thing in the morning job interview. Things suddenly seem to be going my way in small ways. And I like where I am. I like trees and rolling hills and people who speak to you in meaningful ways even when your just passing each other. I like it here.
I still need a job but that seems more like just a matter of time instead of one of those things you fear not happening. Now I wonder about getting a job I might even like.
It was a treacherous road that led me here but the final stop is good, I think. I went and brought the special soap I have to use. I can't eat enough fat to stay healthy so I have to use these extra things to keep looking human.
Twice Dead 1024After the way my friends treated, just over a week ago, I felt I must look like Quasimodo, a sexy Quasimodo but still a monster. When I brought the soap the little girl behind the counter was making conversation, which I like, then I was surprised that she was asking me go out to a club on Saturday night. I'm not interested in much of anything more than surviving right now but it still felt nice to be recognized as human. She was cute too.
Long day tomorrow, much traveling, which will be fun. I'm a perpetual tourist and always see almost everything with excited eyes.
When I walk the good ol' dog and have those conversations you have to have with other dog owners I miss Ethel, my little dog, but it is resigned sadness now and not with the rage and hurt of her being taken from me. That's a good thing too.

Give me a beat maestro

Cantsleep 1600X1200 I got a haircut, the better to pass for a native . . .
This morning I saw an opthamologist. The word is that my eyes are worse and I have to wear even darker lenses. Of course I make it look cool but  . . . Shades 24/7 . . . I wish I could be a beatnik.
After went to an interview with a temp agency. It was same as usual, they like all the test results and then bored me a little more, but it seemed positive.
Then scoured downtown a little bit. Stumbled across a music store where I had a very very good time. Looking at the cheap acoustics as a wish list thing - they had a nice Epiphone, used, with ok tone and very playable. Three of us knocked aorund for about a half hour. I was wearing my suit so I felt totally displaced. After 30 minutes I'd gone through every tune I could remember. We did a very nice version of “Let It Rain”. Even though my left hand is rusty my right is still drum like, everyone comments and it made me feel better.
Went to the health food store and spoke to a cashier for a bit. She had purple hair! And it was sort of swept up in a mock-mohawk. I liked it. I liked her.
Hellolove 1024Then back home (how odd to use the word, but it feels right), i took the good ol' dog for a walk. We got lost but not before we met a lot of people, kids and dogs. A dog makes the world more better. The cats are still conspiring how best to murder me. Cats have to do that to maintain their evil dominion over their thralls, you see.
Then filling out job apps online and offline. There was one job that is exciting, working for one of the small cities here, for the Park Department, holding clinics to teach kids a sport. It only lasts a week in the summer but the idea makes me smile. I believe in social inclusion via sports. And it's fun too. I always use obscure words to obscure the fact that I'm having fun . . .

April 25, 2005

We could be

04-11 Cemetary 1280 Leash laws are stupid. Maybe not, I think they just apply them to the wrong people; kids and dogs shouldn't be on leashes but I can think of a lot of adults who could use them.
Things are going. I feel optimistic, which, stupidly but understandably, makes me nervous. Lots of job responses. Not enough but more than I hoped for. Interviews tomorrow, etc etc. I might not have my dream job set up for next week, but I will have a job, I'm thinking.
In all of this I keep thinking of my friend Clark. He died in 9/11 stuff at the Pentagon. He was a pretty high ranking military guy and my friend. He was a maniac who was in charge of nuclear weapons. But he was the kind of maniac who, when faced with the decision to launch would think about people. By maniac I mean that we were together once and he brought a brand new 4X4 truck. Within 30 minutes we had it stuck in 4 feet of mud. Two hours later we were eating barbeque and crawfish at a restaurant surrounded by nothing but empty fields.
EvergreenHe used to send me long emails when he was posted someplace. They were the kind of emails that were more like letters; the real letters where you labored over the sentence structure and tried to communicate where you were and where you hoped to be and not just exchange a few glib words and pockety emotional catch-alls.
I remember how he always compared me to Jack Kerouac, which I never understood. He always said I was like a cockroach and if there was a nuclear war he knew I'd be leading a bunch of kids and a pack of dogs out of the holocaust.
And he said he never understood the code of rules I lived by, but he said I sure stuck to them hard.
I liked him because whenever he was faced with something wrong, some law or regulation that was stupid, his choice was to ignore it. If he had to deal with the consequences he'd put on his hardest glare and get police officers and cops and judges to apologize to him for using his time. I always figured if they didn't back off he'd find their address and target them for a surgical nuclear strike. He was a maniac after all and a high ranking military guy.
I miss a lot of people, I miss a lot of dogs. I miss him.
Tomorrow I have to conquer the unemployment blues.

April 24, 2005

Keep on winning

Wave It's been nice. No drama, no panic. I'm optimistic. Lately being optimistic was verboten.
After going through the papers and checking out employment opp's I'm still optimistic. I like it here. It feels right.
I walked with the good ol' dog to get the papers. She got compliments from strangers. To me she lied. Dogs lie. They can't help it. She insisted I owed her hamburgers and she insisted she knew short cuts.
Meanwhile my body is responding well. Pain is residual. I do have a problem getting up and out of comfortable chairs and, stupidly, find I prefer hard backed chairs. Now even my body is an idiot.
I heard from the catcher of my team. They won yesterday, won without me. It's hard to believe it's only been a week since I left and walked into "betrayal", insanity and now peace. But they won. I knew they could; winning is just a habit that too many people won't get accustomed to. I hope they win it all and mail me a trophy, or at least a picture of a trophy.
Dana is having problems walking the dogs. Fat Yellow Dog won't move for her and tries to claim that he can't because he is too fat. He walks and begs for food (any food, I'm sure) but won't run. I sent Dana my super secret recipe for running fat dogs. It involves Frosty Paws . . .
She seems happy too.
I'm trying a podcast thing. With the new sound apps it's really easy to combine several songs together into one semi-new thing. I hope this is a good example of what I mean: Boulevard Of Broken Songs It was fun and should take less then a single charge on your laptop to make your own. If nothing else I can have the satisfaction of perhaps having ruined 3 or 4 of your favorite tunes . . . I like people making their own music. People are more interesting than corporations.

April 22, 2005

The rush of seasons

S4W-Mlb-Bestshots-005-Whatakick Today was just a day of acclimation, letting my body heal and recoup from the punishment of the past week. Right now the scraps of pain are the only memory of the hell that preceded. It was a good good day. A day of moving forward. A day of noticing things. In LA the world is dominated by mountains hidden in smog and by palm trees that serve as homes for the rats. The desert is red, harsh and angular. They both have their beauty and their secrets. Here things are softer, rolling. The trees are green and water is abundant. It feels like a place that's alive and not a place struggling to survive.
I like it fine. I like the good ol' dog and the way she tolerates my inept walking style, and the way she lets me know she is not my dog but that we can be friends anyway. I like it all fine. Tomorrow is more healing - I think I need it, my body was pretty torn up and badly nourished. Then, of the evening will be game planning and preparing for the great work hunt.
Flowing Rock One thing that my physical state caused me to not forget but . . . I'm not much into mysticism or anything but when my dear friend P succumbed to cancer she held my hand and her last words were, “Now who's going to take care of you?” I never understood what she meant only the emotion. This Wednesday I was sitting on a bench staring across a river. The bench was up high. Along the river is a concrete path for joggers and bikers. While I was daydreaming or in my fugue a woman on the path crossed my field of vision. She looked up at me and waved. I waved back and thought, “Hey, it's P!” And then it struck that, of course, it couldn't be her - even if this woman was about the same 6'2 P was and had the same blonde pony tail and waved with the same joke wave we used to annoy each other.
She was jogging away. I jumped the barrier, cut my arm slightly doing it because I am no longer “ept” at jumping over things; nearly got hit by a car and when I reached the concrete path the blonde runner who looked so much like P was no where in sight. As the path ran dead straight for about 300 yards I was perplexed.
Zen GardenI was questioning my sanity or my waking state when a large black and white dog came running up behind me. He took my right hand in his mouth and worried it a bit he then started dancing dragging me down the path. I know the dog was real, he left my hand wet and marked, and his owner came up and apologized profusely saying he never did anything like that before.
I wanted to ask if he'd seen the female runner but I didn't.
I followed the dog who wanted to play some more. I went the 300 yards looking for a place where someone could duck out of sight. It wasn't visible to me but I barely know the area.
I don't think I'll ever go there again.

April 21, 2005

I'm walking in the rain
My tears are falling and I feel the pain
Watching as the planes go by
Some live and others die
And I wonder why, why do I stay
Then I remember
Del Shannon

S4W-Mlb-Bestshots-036-Boningthebat If I had written something like, "There is a new cancer vaccine!" no one would have paid much attention. Or if I had said something like, "Women deserve to be paid about 45% of what men earn!" you'd have thought "idiot" and moved along. But offer up an opinion on something as important as music and I get castigated. The main issue seems to be me lumping Gene Vincent and Alkaline Trio into the same sentence. Look, when your driving over Mullholland Drive and it's that minute just after a heavy downpour and the neon is reflecting off the tarmac as you hit the valley - at that moment the greatest song in the world is the Temptations "Papa Was A Rolling Stone". Ot there's that time when your clenched into a fetal position blinded by tears of loss and remorse from losing a loved one, remorse because they're gone and you have nothing but pain. Right then the greatest record in the world is Colin Davis conducting Berlioz's Sanctus from his Requiem, the one where Davis uses an Irish Tenor. Because right then you can feel Berlioz's hand reaching across 200 years and telling you that the pain you feel is all consuming but it is not all the pain and the suffering in the world. The only problem is people won't fight with you about calling Berlioz a genius (his picture's on money and stuff) but they look at you arguing about the genius of the Temptations, Del Shannon etc. Jw Year V Space Shots 047 - Rocket 03Some songs merely epitomize the mood, while other's create it. Gene Vincent singing "The Day The World Turned Blue" creates it's own mood of misty eyed ambivalence. Phish singing of a litany of horror and complaints in a lite wistful way creates hope. It does for me anyway and I like noise, I like it better when it has a beat and rhythm but I like noise. I'm feeling good and hopeful. My legs are sore but not dead and tomorrow we'll see. The first step towards creating my limited future. My new roomies include a good ol' dog who has shown me the rabbits that need to be chased and the yards we must never ever enter. There are two cats who are plotting my death but that is just what cats do. I always figured that when cats are plotting your downfall everything is going to be pretty much alright.

April 20, 2005

Saint Peter don't you call me cause I can't go
I owe my soul to the company store
- Old Song

I used to get angry at my mother because she entered lotteries and sweepstakes. I wasn't angry because this was her retirement plan. I was angry because I have an idea in my head. The idea is tantamount to "If I can walk an entire block with my eyes closed and not bump into anything I'll get my hearts desire!" Which should tell you that one thing my mother and I had in common is common sense. I believed that everything balanced out, including luck. If you won the church raffle and got a fruit cake that was the same amount of luck you used to get into the perfect job. Thinking that way always means you're living on the dawn of correction. I think I've met my dawn. No details yet. That could jinx it! But on a scale of 1 to 10, I'm pretty happy. I feel a bit of peace.

Board1024X768 I'm fascinated with the emails I get when I'm passing through my too invariable crisises. Some answers are due: My favorite music: I don't know. I like noise. There's the old standbys: Gene Vincent, The Ramones, Doo Wop, Alkaline Trio, Del Shannon etc. I'm still pretty retro. I have a fondness for Kid Rock and some Linkin Park tracks keep making me think they have to be a better band then they let on. I have two comments that think my comments are endurable because I'm pretty funny. As some one else thinks my life plays out like fiction and now my life is a joke . . . I have to say I don't mind that. My life as a pretty funny story would be most acceptable to me, but I think I'd always know the punch line in advance. Another person seems insistent on knowing whether I think Ethel, my little dog who passed on is replaceable in my life. I'm not sure why that's important to them. My answer is simply no. No special little dog or person is ever replaceable. I think, in my dumb simplistic way, that people and animals all fit together somehow. I'm a widower. My wife and I fitted together well, we meshed perfectly she filled the parts of me that were empty and vice versa. When she passed on she still left enough of herself in me to be able to stand alone. I've been happy with other friends and girlfriends but never in the same way, never that tight impermeable fit, although some have come close. Forgive me but I don't draw much difference between animals and people, other than thinking people are more important. No person or dog will ever fill in my voids the way Ethel did. No other dog will ever be able to make me laugh or fill me with wonder like she did. Even bandaged up she stayed pugnacious and good humored. The only sadness she left in me was in not living forever. I'll love other dogs but never exactly in the same way like I loved her.

I get nervous using the free internet. I keep thinking I'm going to get caught. It went down for a while here and I was thinking they turned it off to get me to leave! Maybe. I think you'll hear from me soon enough.

April 18, 2005

When you're feeling sad and blue
Buddy Holly

Coming Home I just found out that there are places where you can go in and plug in to their internet for free. I figure as long as I keep myself neat looking I'll get away with it! Today was a rough day. My friends were so incredibly obnoxious I had to examine myself hard to see if I'd done anything that wrong. I couldn't see anything. In 12 hours it went from, "I'm so excited you're coming" to "I can't believe you're here", then less than 30 minutes later it was, "I can't stand you. You have to leave!"
YOW! As just 3 days before I questioned whether this was possible and was called a brute and a thug for thinking such dishonorable thoughts I wasn't totally unprepared but shocked none the less. I had dared to be optimistic. So I was booted out in the middle of nowhere. I managed to hunt around and look for a place to stay, with no luck. No job - no room or apartment. But I can't figure out how to get a job with no base of operations for resumes and the like. That's what my friends were going to help with. I'd had no sleep in 48 hours and I sat on a bench in a park and was awakened by some kid going through my pack! I found the cheapest hotel I could and checked in for the night. This enabled me to get 2/3 of my things back although how I'm going to move them is beyond me. The bus company claims to have found my 3rd bag and I can pick it up tomorrow. Which means I'll have 150 pounds of stuff to trundle around with. I think I'm scared and still in shock. The best thing about being faced with being broke and homeless is that you've got no time to nurse a broken heart or to over react to the wild accusations that the friends who've turned you out want to heap on you. Worse feeling is that you've let down the friends who did believe in you and tried to help. You realize Hollywood movies need happy endings because nobody wants to go through this forever and ever.

I keep looking for someone to blame but there's only me under the yellow spotlight. Only me.

I will always see your face - Arthur Lee

Condemned Women After 24 hours of difficult travel marked by several moments with the Government interfering by doing searches and molestations in the name of security, I finally touched down. Within an hour I felt I had made a mistake. Now 5 hours later there's no doubt.
Now the question is only where else can I go from here?
It's odd but during the traveling I kept noting things to write about. Someone might think that kind of sad or even pathetic. Writing out the days events helps me remember them as they were and not just as transitory moments. It's important that I remember things because in the remembering I feel something, something that isn't just grief and mourning or my refusal to accept my own humanity. It makes me feel like a person.
That's important I think. No, I know it's important.
CrisisI have to decide what I'm going to do and decide it quickly. This is hampered by the fact that the bus line lost most of my luggage, worse all my clothes, razor and shampoo and stuff. Maybe tomorrow will bring an answer to that, and all the other answers will roll downhill.
I made this choice because I ignored my instincts. There are advantages to being dumb but there are disadvantages too, like not knowing how to put together the line of subconscious thought that led to an instinctive reaction, and lacking that dumb people will listen to others who they know are smarter and let their logic override instinct. And, lets face it, my instincts are not always right, only 50-50.
Maybe if I hang around things might change and improve, but I don't know if I can afford to hang around either mentally or, most importantly emotionally. I've got a chance to survive. My instincts say, "Don't bother." I am going to ignore those instincts, for sure.
If this is the last post for a while I ask my friends to not worry. As you know I'll be okay, one way or another. It's just going to be a bit difficult getting internet access.
Some notes: We won our final base ball game 4-0. I'm sorry I don't have the stats here. I usually get them from the score keeper but I was in a hurry. After the game an alderman gave a speech. I have no idea what it was about but they gave me a certificate or something. I've lost it, either in my luggage or on my way here.
I traded my TV for an old iPod so I had music on the trip. No one was offerring to buy it for cash so it seemed like a real good deal for me, though I'd have preferred cash. Problem with an older iPod isn't how well it plays but by the fact the battery died after 6 hours. I'll get it recharged and see but 5 or six hours isn't bad. I can't think of how often I'd need it for longer than that.

April 15, 2005

A Man Without A Plan

Starrynight Click images for desktop size: Van Gogh: "Starry Night" It's been a busy two days. Thanks to the kind help of a friend I have a loan to get out of this town. I'm leaving Saturday. Stupidly I'm not quite sure where yet but I'm almost packed. I sold off what little I had that I could sell and not carry. I also have to get one of those little luggage carts! For a poor guy I have a lot of junk.

Starting yesterday I began the painful process of saying goodbye. I arranged for Dana to take Fat Yellow Dog and Chow for walks. LOL and her will both enjoy that and so will the two dogs. Fat Yellow Dog is STILL Fat Yellow Dog, but a little bit less so. LOL gave me a bone jarring hug and said she wished I could stay, then she yelled at me for making her cry. The dogs were the same way they always were. That's why I like dogs - no matter to them if I'm gone a day or a lifetime, they'll remember and still want to play.
While I was showing Dana the easiest way to get Fat Yellow Dog to move and not just be a lump on the walks (it's hard, he and Ethel would play so hard, without Ethel he tends to just like to go new places and sit! and go slowly) - while I was showing her how to make him amble about this guy came up and started talking to her. He was another student.
Starrysky I was standing next to her and had to hear more than I wanted to. He was such a second class player I was amazed. He asked her a lot of questions all in this monotone voice that you use at concerts and places with too much noise. Before Dana had finished her answer he asked the next question. It was clear he wasn't listening or absorbing what she said. As if it were a script: “So what's your major?” Dana said “I've been here 3 years working on my . . .”
And then he said, “Wow, do you think there's a lot of money in that. I think it's great that women are entering that field. We need more feminine input. Do you have any job offers yet?” And on like that. What astonished me was that Dana got all girly behind it. She was really flattered by the attention!
When we parted she gave me a hug and whispered into my ear that she wishes I could stay and be her boyfriend. I told her that she was my friend and that was important to me.
As I walked home it felt like I'd said a specious melodramatic thing to her, but I meant it. Which is sad. My team manager came by. they've arranged a game for Saturday so we can say goodbye properly. The umpires have some sort of convention which is why this is a week off. He found 3 that aren't going for whatever reason so the game is on. It will be nice to say an official goodbye. I feel terrible deserting my teammates but I gather they understand no work.
Starrynightii Then today I had to say goodbye to the high school kids and college kids I coach. They made me feel terrible especially when they tried to act with that joie d veire that kids assume so poorly.
My time to come is looming on me far too rapidly.
This town kicked my ass. I concede defeat. I've lost a lot of things in my life. I think I lost a friend tonight as well. That really sucks.
There's stuff to pack and decisions to be made. I've got it narrowed down to two places: One I want to go to and another where I know I'll find work but be burdened with nightmares. I wish I was moving with my dog.
i also picked up my meds. I got a month supply. The bill made me flinch hard.
I realize my dreams are so small that they are invisible to most people, even the ones who care about me. I think my heart is broken over more than just this.

April 13, 2005

What's so funny about peace love and understanding
Nick Lowe

Dayatraces(Lc)3Xs Click images for desktop size: "Marx Brothers Lobby Card" I barely slept and faced the day with my normal amount of dread. I went to the daily labor joint and there were about 300 guys waiting for what turned out to be 40 odd jobs. Some of them were wearing shirt and tie. Poor fools. Only the old timers who, if work didn't turn up would go out and beg, were having a good time. Everyone else smelled deep of desperation and fear.

There's little conversation on days like this. You have to not hate the guy who may get a job. If you've been talking to him that could be difficult. My acquaintance Terry was there and we spoke briefly in that conversation men have who've not had enough sleep and are fighting off desperation rage. We talked about how there was a coffee machine in the labor office but they never gave us any coffee. We sit there in a near quiet and tried not to glare at the guys who hit the lucky number and got to stroll out to a days work. Terry and I sat on our haunches our backs against the wall. A guy I didn't know came and crouched next to us, after a few quiet moments he asked me about Ethel. I told him she had died. He said that was too bad. “She was a mighty fine dog.” Ethel always knew more people than I did. RoadrunnerAfter 3 hours I told Terry about the job at the Steel Exporter in Data Entry. I said I was leaving to walk there. He offered me a ride. I told him I had no money to help with the gas. He was offended and said he didn't ask me for money. Terry drove me there. With a bad situation employer's are like any bargain shopper and will take advantage of it. Even if they have to work hard to make the situation that bad. Humanity has become a fashionable joke to parade when the investigations start. There were at least 50 guys there sprawled all over a rather tacky linoleum covered lobby, all filling in forms and trying to borrow pens. You went to a uniformed guard who stood behind a hand printed sign that said “No Resumes”. He tore a job application off a pad and put it on the counter for you to pick up so he wouldn't have to risk touching you or looking you in the eye. When you finished you put your bit of paper in a brown cardboard box that said “Job Apps” in Magic Marker. When I put mine in it was over half filled. As they were only taking apps from 9 till 11 AM and it was just now 9:30 I figured my chances weren't too good. Terry drove us back to the labor joint where he continued talking about cars and how he couldn't drive any of those little cars. He was a big man and needed a big car. He told me how he was going to fix this heap up and drive him and his wife out to China Lake where he could get a job. I tell it badly but I liked listening to him tell it. Sherman Tree I felt a little bit doomed and only knew I had to get out of this town. I felt like a character in a bad pop song, which is not a good thing to be. I learned a long time ago to never trust any plan of mine that the Coyote (from the Roadrunner cartoons) would consider a good idea. Those plans are never a good idea. Out of my darkness a friend came and offered me the chance to start a new life. It felt almost like my little dog had come back and was asking me where we going to go now that we can still walk. Speaking of which the swelling of my feet has gone down. The left one still looks deformed but no longer like I'm the elephant man. Hope is a funny thing. It can be a killer and it can be the resurrector. Hope can also be your friend. Tonight I'm going to luxuriate in it.

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April 12, 2005

I need a vice. I've already got a dream.

Worldnf 1280X960 Click images for desktop size: "My World" I'm still not sleeping. Last night it was too much physical pain. Pretty much the same tonight.

I went and picked up the cash my friend wired to me and begrudgingly paid my rent for the week. Switching from monthly to weekly was a bad move, it just means that worry and stress over the rent never ends and it gives the landlord leeway to chuck you out sooner. Landlords always assume that everyone is a slightly bigger thief than they are, which of course is impossible by immutable laws of physics.
Paying the rent left me with my 26 cents, but I found two pennies on my walk to the hospital which increased my net worth by 8%, which is a pretty good return on a shoe leather investment.
Chilling1024The hospital is about 5 miles and it was one of those walks where I wasn't sure I was going to make it. It was a beautiful bright fall day in April, so I could not think about things and just keep moving. Value of being so dumb is that I can just enjoy a day and shut out pain and worries when there's a shiny bauble like a pretty day to distract me.
At the hospital I waited about 2 hours and then got put into a waiting room for about 45 minutes. I spent the time napping. The nurse took blood and then after 20 minutes the Doctor gave me five minutes of his time.
The doctor said the pain, swelling and numbness were directly related to the diabetes. It's hardening of the arteries. The swelling is a blood build up and could lead to gangrene. I told him I had already figured that out. I wanted to know what to do about it. He told me I had to avoid stress at all costs, get plenty of exercise, and improve my diet; increase my food intake and eat six small meals a day. He gave me some little motion things to do with my feet.
As my larder has 1 cup of rice in it and I spent half a day in the hospital instead of looking for work I figured the only one I could honor was the exercise one.
He gave me the usual pamphlet caveats about loss of limbs and blindness if I didn't take care of myself properly, especially after all the chemo, and sent me on my way. I figure the bill will be about $1500.00. It's a County Hospital so I'll plead poverty and they'll cut it back to $50. I thought it was worth 50 just becasue it affirmed what I thought, so I didn''t have to wonder.
Shimuna 1024 I was about a mile into my walk home when a beat to death car cut me off at a corner. It turned out to be a no panic situation. It was Terry, a guy, from the daily labor joint. He gave me a ride all the way home. His car cost him a hundred bucks, was mostly red and primer and putty. We had to keep the windows open to avoid being carbon monoxided to death. It was great!
He told me there were over 200 guys who waited around from 5 AM until 3 PM, hoping for work. Yow! He talked about fixing this junker up and moving to China Lake, a desert community in Southern Cal. We had a nice time on our drive.
Tomorrow I have to decide whether to go into the daily labor joint or walking 9 miles to a Steel Company to fill out an application in person and leaving it in a box - only allowed between the hours of 9 AM - 11 AM tomorrow; Data Entry.
Ethel, my little dog, and I would walk 18 miles in a day and have so many adventures and discover so many mysteries the miles went pretty easily. By myself, neither alternative is very attractive. Whether I decide to go hope for daily labor or permanent labor I'll at least get plenty of exercise.

April 11, 2005

She'll be waiting there for my rifle, my dog, and me

Day Click images for desktop size: "Day" Haven't sleep now for 3 days. Had two “naps” of about an hour each.

I miss my dog.

My dear friend loaned me the $75 for a weeks rent. I haven't picked it up yet, but it does give some respite. I looked it up on the web and it does say the foot swelling is connected to diabetes and a hardening of the arteries brought on by excess glucose, which is brought on by stress and not doing the “eat 6 small meals a day” thing. So tomorrow I'll have to not look for work again and pick up the money, pay the rent and go to the Hospital.
All that walking would be a lot easier with a dog.
I miss my little dog. It makes me crazy, I think.
GirafeI've got to get out of this town. Yesterday i got a POSTCARD in response to a resume I mailed. A postcard? WIth no phone number to RSVP or cancel or . . . and this is for a job as an engineer at a TV station. A postcard? It shows the low value that's been placed on labor in this town.
My friend brought me till Friday, or at least Tuesday at a minimum. I have to decide how to get cross country with about 28 cents, assuming I don't spend that frivolously. It will get done because it has to get done. I still have that sort of insanity, which is not all bad, I just never figured to have to use that madness on something like this.
I miss my dog. When I walked today all I saw were the places where she would show me things. Usually she made me go look at bugs she'd seen. She couldn't believe bugs. Once she saw a snail. To her it was exciting and because she was excited I got excited too. How many friends have I had in this life who could get me to watch a snail for ten minutes?

April 10, 2005

Me and Sandy Koufax

Gilgamesh Click images for desktop size: "Gilgamish" I think I played in my last baseball game today. i was thinking that before we started and after the game I feel more that way.

The Eskimo's had a tradition I understand. When their greatest leaders and heros had completed their greatest tasks they would take them and set them adrift on an ice floe to die so that they could not live on and tarnish their legends.
I didn't sleep last night, fretting mostly over my friend's child being in hospital. (He's out and doing fine. The hospital was just being cautious, I guess.)
My left foot has swollen freakishly and my right was noticeably swollen. I had to cut my baseball shoes to get them on my feet. That's an omen for sure, I'd think.
The catcher came to pick me up and drive us to the game. There were five of us in the car. I was glad for that. I didn't want to talk.
We won the game 7-4. With that score it's hard to believe I threw a no hitter, but I did. I had 22 strike outs and walked 4.
I just didn't care. It was upsetting to me to look over at third base when I went into my wind up and to not see my little dog staring at me open mouthed.
RoninMy velocity was much improved but at the expense of control.
I couldn't concentrate on pitching and hitting so I only went 2 for 5 at the plate with 3 RBI's and 1 run scored.
My feet never hurt. If they did I didn't notice and that's not quite the same thing, but close enough. I was more worried about the numbness in my left hand.
The team was so excited about being in first place I didn't tell them this was probably my last game. The team is off next week; I don't know why but no one asked me. So maybe they won't even notice I'm gone.
I'd prefer that.
I've spent the rest of the day packing, trying to figure what I can carry with me when I'm evicted. I hate to abandon so much stuff but, what else can you do.
“What foul wind has blown from the cradle to this”and all for 75 bucks . . . oh well, it's not like the bottom of anyone's life is going to fall out. Even those who might think so will soon enough see that it's not so.

April 9, 2005

Born on the wrong side of time

Ringsofsaturn(Genuine) Click images for desktop size: NASA "Rings of Saturn " It's been a bad week in a bad month in a bad year. But the century has had some good points.

No work today, or this week. I spent all my money going to interviews and running around. Last night my right foot began to swell and the ring finger and pinky on my left hand are numb. I took my blood sugars and they were 39. They're supposed to be between 4 and 7. There's no pain but it feels funny and it's hard to get my shoe on. Stress and poor diet again. You have to watch all of that when you're diabetic. My best friends son, 5 years old, had to go into hospital today - dehydrated. I don't like kids being ill at all. It's a bad thing. Ethel was cremated today. I can't afford an urn but that's okay. She was a pretty simple dog. I got my eviction notice at 5:00 pm. Punctual guys. It's how they move in the ghetto. So with all of that I've decided to play baseball tomorrow. It might be my last game.

April 6, 2005

My little dog Ethel passed away this morning

Ethel had an aneurysm that stopped her. It was at about 4 AM. She liked to come and sleep in the crook of my arm which wakens me. We looked at each other, she closed her eyes, trembled and then stopped breathing.
She felt no pain or discomfort. She just stopped.
The aneurysm was not related to her heart operation. She just had too much damage from living on the streets.
She had this extra time thanks to some peoples kindness and generosity. The last days we spent together were worth my begging, borrowing and selling off what I could. The days with her were good for her and for me.
I'm glad I knew her.
She was a good girl.

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I'm a traveling man , made a lot of stops

Emergingflowers Click images for desktop size: "Emerging Flowers" I didn't get work today. Even on that daily labor trip, if I get 3 days a week I can squeak by. Now I have to get work real rapid fire.

I came home by myself (that means without Ethel, my dog) and found two ads in the on-line classifieds. The first one I went to they wanted someone bilingual. I hear that a lot.
The second job was for a night auditor at a hotel. The address confused me as it's only a mile and half from where I live.
It took a while to find this place - The Cliffs. It is up in the hills but there aren't any cliffs around. I walked through a blasted lunar landscape. Scrub desert until I hit a medium sized complex. I don't know what they used to be but now it was about 30 abandoned huts. Dead silent except for the raging winds here (50 mph last night!).
Tarmac I kept checking the addresses and I was where I supposed to be, but I couldn't imagine a hotel being here. I free wandered just looking at the desolation and wondering what disaster happened here. It looked like areas of Beiruit, but there weren't any people here at all.
Around one corner I saw a building that, while not freshly painted, it was clean. I wandered around it until I came to the sign. It was the Cliffs. It was well scrubbed but I kept wondering how anyone could know they were here!
When I went inside it was cool and dark after the sunshine, and blissfully quiet. Mozarts's Jupiter Symphony was playing through the muzak. The walls were all painted to look like an old English library. Keeping with the tone of anonoymity I couldn't see anyone! I went outsdie to check to see if there was another entrance.
I went back in and wandered down the immaculate halls. The music changed to Vivaldi's Four Seasons, trite but nice. About 40 yards away from the front door and through a labyrinth of twisty halls I came upon a huge well kept room. Two men were sitting at marble topped tables talking in quiet tones. (Guests?) The carpets was dark brown and complimented the sand colored walls. The ceiling was at least 25 feet high and capped in an exposed dome.
Off to the side was the front desk. A skinny kid, who looked unkempt in these tidy surroundings, greeted me professionaly. I noted he didn't sound disappointed that I was here to apply for the night auditor position.
Whirlwindhawk I handed him my resume and he handed me a form Job Application torn from a pad.
I sat in a comfortable chair at another marble topped table and filled it in.
It was quiet and pecaeful there and felt nothing like the world outside. I felt nothing and no one around me. I was non plussed and couldn't figure out how they stayed in business. I'd never heard of the place, it was difficult to get to; in a scary neighborhood, hard to find. It made no sense but it existed here. I had no idea why or how.
I handed in the job app and talked to the kid for a bit. I was afraid to ask the questions that were in my head and just made sure that the job was still open and that I was, so far, the only applicant.
When I left I felt I'd walked out of a dream. I didn't even look back just plodded home.
I picked up Ethel. She was glad to see me. We walked together some but I still had to carry her home.

April 5, 2005

You won't be sad anymore

Yellowcoyoteapache Click images for desktop size: "Apache; Painter Unknown" I went job hunting today. It was not a pleasant or enlightening experience.

The first job I could have done well, but they insisted on someone bilingual The second was a “Grapes Of Wrath” scheme to lure employees from out of state, in particular illegal aliens who can be shipped out if they get to stroppy about being paid. I'd be their manager and “keep them in line.” I didn't slug him much to my discredit. The third was a bank. It was a long interview and they really liked me. I think they'll make me an offer except they don't need me to start until May . . . which makes surviving April a bit difficult. Then I walked to a help wanted sign I'd noticed before. It was a new internet cafe. Unfortunately they weren't looking for computer geeks they wanted wait staff and counter coffee guys. I left an application anyway. Playgirl After Dark (1959) I walked about 6 miles today. The temperature was 86 and there were 35 mph winds. I think I ruined my suit . . . it feels pretty sodden. My face, which I washed before each interview, was gritty. While I was walking I thought about music and the best concerts or shows I'd ever seen. This is what happens when you don't have your portable music. I like music and realized that I've been to a mammoth amount of concerts and the like. I remember in one week I saw Springsteen at the Roxy (Somebody tell this guy to shut up and play already!!) and then saw David Del Tredici's World Premiere of his “Final Alice”. The symphony was the better of the two, in fact it's no contest. I think that the best show ever was Tab Benoit at the Rock And Bowl in New Orleans. Tab and I were buddies. We met when he came to LA to do a session at the Guitar Institute (teaching). The Rock and Bowl is a Bowling Alley, Restaurant, Bar, and Dance Hall all in one unsectioned off building. While Tab was playing the blues; women with mile high bee hives were bowling an Lady's League Night. There were no partitions at all. Since I wasn't drinking anymore (in life) I was inundated with bowls of Gumbo. Tab was joined on stage by a lot of the hot Creole musicians in New Orleans, while the owner and the little girls were teaching me to do the Cajun Boogie. Tab played a Fender Shop Vintage Tele replica through a Peavey amp. He got nothing but liquid tone. The crashing of the pins just seemed like cool percussion. It was great. All Shows should be held in Bowling Allies. The next time I saw Tab play was in London, where he shared a stage with BB King. He was better in Louisiana where he taught me the right way to say Bon ton roulet baby. Unholy 1024 Ethel, my dog. seems to be happier even if I can only see the slightest physical improvement. Today she did walk almost 400 yards, slowly but she walked it and explored some. She found a burning cigar! She doesn't have to wear her big Elizabethan collar anymore and I think that's a good thing. We went out for her final trip and a gust of wind knocked her over! I scooped her up and ran her inside. She seemed to think the whole thing was just pretty funny. I found a space with some grass so we could empty her. So no jobs. I'm going into the daily labor place tomorrow morning. I resent having to look so hard for work but it's the resentment of failure.

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April 4, 2005

A day not marked at all

Hara Kiri Wall1 1600 Click images for desktop size: "Hara Kiri" Today I felt nothing but sore. A combination of staring at Ethel, my little dog, and physical fatigue and pain kept me from sleeping. I went through this Sunday in a fog.

I got a news paper for the want ads. I spent time comparing them to the on-line edition. There were 4 jobs on-line that weren't in the paper and 3 jobs in the paper that weren't on-line. Very perplexing. I have two interviews tomorrow so I need to sleep tonight. I hope I can. Starting to feel tension creep up and that worries me. I deal with it by ignoring it. At least the rent is paid and I have all of Ethel's meds and supplies in. I can't believe that getting a job interview makes me worry about not being able to go in to the daily labor joint.

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April 2, 2005

They were just tall

King Kong(1933)09X Click images for desktop size: "King Kong-1933 Lobby Card" It was a good day for a ball game. It was about 70 and a stiff 10 mph wind blowing SE which would help my screwball.

The hardest part was getting everyone else in my “Pack” ready. LOL was bringing a folding chaise lounge, a huge beach umbrella, a huge cooler of treats for herself, the team and the dogs. Fat Yellow Dog and Chow were both excited about all of us going out. I was horrified to see that she had “dressed” Fat Yellow Dog and Chow in these pastel floral mu mu's . . . if I'd only known this was the start of the horror. She claimed that the odd outfits were to keep them from getting sunburned! Then the final horror. She'd used the time she's had Ethel to get measurements and she'd made a MATCHING mu mu for her! What made me ill was that Ethel, my dog, seemed to like it! Alas poor me! LOL claimed that this would keep Ethel from getting sunburned and she wouldn't get embarrassed by all her bandages. LOL's mu mu matched the dogs of course. Greenleaves Lrg When we got to the field the rest of the team was there. I was surprised that there were already about 50 people sitting on the bleachers and about a half dozen BBQ's going. The wives of the other players were helping LOL while she was firmly in command of Ethel so I started my warmups. I was pleased that the whole team joined me. Guys kept dropping out but I still got all my stretches in. It felt very team like. I like being part of a team. While I was warming up our opponents were really ragging me. Calling me “Meat”, “Rag arm”, “Old Man”, and the like. I really enjoy that sort of thing. It makes everything seem real and important when they try and get to you. I like to say all my pitches were working, not telling anyone that all my pitches are like 5 variations of one pitch and that I learned them off of cereal boxes. In the first inning I was going along well. I got the first two guys out on a K and a pop up. Then their big gun came up; the Double A player. He was picking up the ball just as I feared and laid off the split finger and screwball and then I threw him a low fastball and he really jacked it. It must have gone at least 400 feet. I felt like applauding him myself. The next guy was out on an easy roller. Jove31600 Their pitcher was huge, at least 6' 5“. I was  thinking about how hard it would be to hit a ball plummeting down from nearly 8 feet high. It was a stunner to watch him warm up and see he threw side armed! I love smashing side armed tosses and it took away all the advantage of his height! About this time I saw that Ethel had a new addition to her wardrobe. An Ethel sized ball cap held on with elastic. Ethel looked at me and showed it off to me, then she went back to watching the game. Their tall pitcher got two easy outs from our first two batters. I didn't think he had anything and I was right. I launched his 3rd pitch but I had him timed too well and instead of pulling it I sent it straight down Center Field. I still ran it out and watched their other pro player (Single A) start to chase it down. Around our field there's this waist high mesh fence. I was rounding second so I didn't see what happened but I was told he jumped at the ball, dropped it as he fell backwards over the fence! I got an inside the park home run off of his error. I slid into the plate like a fool but there was no play. House-Of-Ivory-10 The game just cruised along. They made half as many errors as we did but we made half as many errors as usual, so it stayed locked at 1-1. I like being ragged on but these guys took it too far. Fat Yellow Dog had begged all the food he could so he took a nap sleeping on Chow. Now I grant you that 3 dogs wearing floral pastels are kind of funny looking and their leads being held by a 97 year old woman in a matching mu mu is rather amusing, but you shouldn't rag on them and call them names. I threw a couple tight at some guys. In the 7th I came up and the first pitch was behind me and got me in the lower ribs when I turned out of the way. I took the required two steps towards the mound. You have to do that to protect your teammates. Also, this is important, you don't rub where it hit! This is the way you tell the pitcher it didn't hurt. I took my base and on the next ball took off for second. It was an easy steal. You have to do that to make sure the pitcher regrets putting you on base. I took 3rd on a ground ball and scored on a fly ball. We got to the ninth up 2-1. We had a mess of sloppy play in the 9th and I was looking at bases loaded with no outs, all the runners there on errors. It was kind of exciting. Ms.45 (Angel Of Vengeance) The Double A guy was up. When I pitch I stand behind the mound between batters, just daydreaming really. Like today I was thinking mainly about iPod shuffles and whether I could wear one while I was pitching, if it would be against the rules, and about a girl friend. Then I turn around and face the batter. I look over at Ethel to make sure she was alright. For some reason this is considered intimidating. When I looked over this time Ethel had her mu mu all twisted under her chin and her little cap cocked over one ear. Fat Yellow Dog was standing on Chow's back doing this little drumming tattoo with his feet. He was excited. Chow was asleep. I thought it was really funny. I didn't realize how silent everyone had gotten until I heard someone shout in this bull frog voice, ”Strike him out Dave!“ I was in my wind up and started laughing when I released the ball. The pitch had more velocity than anything else I'd thrown ever! It was also going high and wide and all I could see was the tying run scoring on a wild pitch, and I started to charge the plate to cover. I got lucky, the pitch surprised the batter and he foul tipped it into the cage. I was more careful and he hit a screamer rope; fortunately it landed right in my glove. The shot was so fast the runners didn't see I had caught it so I tossed it to my catcher and we had our double play. The other base runners got back but the catcher made a bad throw to try and make the triple and we ended up with runners at 2nd and 3rd. The next batter was swinging for the fences. I thought he should have just been going for the single so I threw him a split finger. He hit a slow roller in the dirt, I charged, snagged it and turned to throw to first when I discovered the first baseman was standing next to me. He had charged it too but no one was covering. So I raced the batter to first, won by four steps or so and we won. I guess it was the first time we'd ever beaten these guys and my team got real excited. My stats: Pitching-9 innings, 8 strike outs, no walks, 4 hits allowed 1 earned run. As a batter I was 2-2 and HBP scored 1 run. Annabel, our vet, was there. She removed Ethel's stitches right at the field. I was surprised but Ethel thought it was fine. She had another boiled chicken breast filet so she didn't care about much of anything else. She likes wearing her cap . . .

April 1, 2005

I Feel Like Jerry Lewis In France

Horseandrider Click images for desktop size: "Horse And Rider by Cheh" I got work today. It was a pretty terrible job. Some cowboy construction outfit had us carrying concrete blocks, bags of concrete up ladders to a plywood scaffold. That's not a good description of the edifice but it conveys the way it felt.

It was hot and nasty work but it gave me enough to pay the weeks rent so it was good. The “boss” of the job sat on a stack of lumber and supervised the four of us. He didn't bother to provide us with water and he made sure none of us sneaked off to find some. At six hours he had to answer a call on his mobile and go off. There was only about a hour of work left but we stretched it to 2, as there was little doubt this jerk would have cut us loose with a short day. When he got back and found us still working he started to make a comment but there were four of us and he wasn't quite that stupid. HouseI picked up Ethel. She was happy to see me, so were Fat Yellow Dog and Chow: I had Frosty Paws. LOL is stoked about the game tomorrow. It seems to be a big event for her. She was making sandwiches and had a cooler out to pack. She confirmed what time we'd be coming to pick her up about 4 times. I guess there was a little blurb in the local paper about the game tomorrow. We represent the neighborhood, in our shabby way, so I guess that's ok, maybe even good. It's about 800 yards from LOL's to my place. Ethel walked a good 200 of it on her own, gingerly but happily, before she sat down and waited to be carried. It exhausted her and she feel asleep in her bed/stretcher. She woke up to try and play when I cleaned her wound and changed her dressing, gave her the meds and stuff. She promptly went back to sleep. HalfdomeI thought about the game tomorrow. I hope these guys are as good as the hype. I start to feel like a bully playing those last two teams, and I don't like that feeling. Even as tired as I am my body feels good. I'll be as good as I can be tomorrow. I like to play against the best. I like to win too. If you don't put yourself in front of the elephant how else will you know if you can beat it. My uniform is clean. My “pack” will be there. I hope this team is really really good, if they're not they won't stand a chance. While I was lying there thinking about pitching Ethel, half asleep, came over and snuggled up to me. Like that I fell asleep too.

Life In Mono

Homecoming Click images for desktop size: "Homecoming" I didn't get work today. Rent's due tomorrow so I'm concerned.

I'm registered with 7 agencies, worked for 4 of them with glowing reports, so I'm not sure what the problem is. All I can do is persevere. I notice that my walks are longer without music, my thoughts weigh more heavily in silence. No music, no dog with me, no work makes the steps ponderous things. I did spring for 40 cents to get a new paper so I could compare the on-line want ads with the hard copy. They have most jobs in common but they also both have a few that are uniquely their own: I mean that there are ads on-line not in the paper and vice versa. I can't imagine it was a plan; or if it is what it is intended to accomplish. Cell 015 1024 I picked up Ethel. She is very comfortable at LOL's with Fat Yellow Dog and Chow. LOL is coming to the game on Saturday. She's excited about it. She's bringing the two dogs so I'm excited! It'll be nice to have my pack with me. Back home I got permission from the vet to take Ethel, my dog, on a walk on lead. I took her to get the paper from the little shop about 300 yards away. She was all excited but walked very slowly. She did about 200 yards before she just got too tired. I carried her the rest of the way. She liked that too. She liked being tall and being able to lick my face. Normally I don't like dogs licking me, but this time it felt fine.