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June 30, 2005

A woman with scrubbed clean hands

Film 1024 It was about 11 am when Dr J arrived for lunch. I was impressed.
She drove a 1967 Corvette. Silver, with the all fiberglass body. She said it was a hand me down from her brother and she kept it running because she loved the car. It's a lot of car to love. As much as any thing can make me look at a person differently its a 1967 'vette.
She was wearing Guess jeans and a soft off white blouse. It made her height seem more subdued, more human. Her hair was softly wrapped around her face, combed but not fretted over. SHe wore make up, not too much make up but enough to show she was trying. And she wore a light gardenia scented perfume, light enough to smell clean and sunny. Dry enough to not make me nauseous.
Searchers,The X02 (1956) She came in and we shook hands . . . I led her outside and she asked me, "How are you feeling?"
I said, "Fine." I thought about it and said, "You shouldn't talk to me like a doc."
She laughed. "It's hard not to."
We just walked around. Dr J took my arm and for a moment, in the heat, the sun and the humidity it felt right. Like it was the kind of feeling you could get used to.
She talked about her life, her family, about the dogs she'd owned and the way she missed having a dog now. She talked about being a doctor and why she did it.
I like listening to people talk. I like listening to people tell me their life stories. I like the details and the expression on their faces.
Sometimes she would get self conscious about talking so much and try and ask something about me.
There's nothing to say at times like this. I enjoy just hearing words that people think are important, trying to understand why that's important to them and trying to see what they see.
She corrected me when I'd call women girls. That made me smile.
I told her that I valued friends more than girl friends. I've had gal pals for ten or fifteen years, (actually longer but I'm nto allowed to say how long) but except in two cases, I'd seldom had a girlfriend for longer than 6 months . . . seldom meaning that I could only think of one but there might have been one or two I'd forgotten.
We talked for 4 hours. She could have stayed the day but I think she got self conscious. She was always the tallest person in the room for most of her life. I guess that would make you self conscious about almost everything you did. Too self conscious to see that the goofy guy sitting there wanted you to stay.
Vargas Girl 20-1 It wasn't anything big, but it wasn't anything small either. I let her kiss me on the cheek. It felt sexy when she held her cheek against mine. I enjoyed hugging her and I think we held it too long for it to be only friendly.
I like that she squealed the tires when she waved at me as she drove away.
I liked a lot of things about the day. It wasn't magic but it wasn't the less for that.
One thing she said to me: I didn't realize it but she was explaining why she was interested in me. She said I was quiet and quick to smile but never seemed to laugh. That I turned out to be exactly what I seemed to be.
Which might be a way of saying I'm pretty shallow, which I am. I mean, I'm for sure not deep.
I did wonder about one thing. The goths, the living dead girls have always been attracted to me. I've never gotten why. I'm pretty much everything that goth isn't. I'm sports and surf and sun streaked hair, tan and sweating.
When I first got diagnosed I found out that there are women that are like death angels. They're attracted to guys with fatal diseases and such. I'm not to bothered by what turns people on as long as it doesn't involve hurting kids or animals it's all pretty much a non-issue to me.

June 29, 2005

Every little thug wants to give you a slug
They love you

Metropolis
Click images for desktop size: "Metropolis"
I was at work, thinking about baseball, Sandy Koufax and Barry Bonds, while I stared at this joke calendar they have there. I decided the joke wasn't funny, and I'm pretty notorious for liking stupid jokes.
My mobile started vibrating. I keep it on the desk so the racket it makes is worse than a ring. When I answered it was Dr J.
I'm pretty cool about not wanting to hear from my doctors. Like a kid I was thinking about what test I messed up to get a call from 'the principal's office".
She said, "Hi." She asked me the usual questions: How you feeling? Any dizzy spells? etc etc But there was a purr in her voice I'd never heard before and a catch at the end of her sentences.
Female And The Flesh (1955) She tried to sound light and tried to be soft and funny. She told me about how even her patients were calling her Doctor Basketball now. She said I was one of the calmest nicest people she ever met. Then she said that the people at the clinic last week were afraid I was going to get violent, or at least walk out against medical advice.
And she went on like that for a while until I said, "Are you asking me out?"
She said in a rush, "I'm 6'4 and a half, 154 pounds and I can still run 100 meters in 12 seconds. Every man I met here makes advances, doctors patients and their friends. All they think of is sex with the tall bitch and they tell me about it and how they'd like to see how flexible I am and what I could do with these long legs. And it makes me mad and lonely. But you don't seem to care about that. You look at me like I'm a person. So, I'd like to go out with you for a drink or dinner or jsut a walk to talk."
When she finished I thought about her.
She is tall and has that angular figure that super fit women tend to. Her face is pretty and she has dirty blonde hair that she pulls tight against the side of her head and wears in a pony tail. Probably the same hairstyle she wore when she played.
I remember she had a nice face, pretty but not so pretty you have to stare down every guy who looks at her. What I remember clearest was her eyes. I like women's eyes and hers were a pale gray, like the color of a cloudy sky. You seldom see eyes that color but when you do you notice that they always look like they're about to cry.
I was seeing her eyes while I was thinking that only a woman over 6 foot would add that half inch, 6 foot four and a half. A guy would say 6-4 or probably 6-5.
Suddenly I heard her clear her throat and in a timid voice she asked, "Are you still there?"
It was the gentle fear in her voice that made me answer the way I did, not tough or professional but human.
"Yeah, I'm here. But, I don't date."
Ninja Eyes
Click images for desktop size: "Ninja Eyes"
She started to talk fast and reedy. I talked over her loudly until she calmed down.
"I don't date but I do eat lunch. If you were to come by tomorrow we could do that," I said.
She asked me, "What time tomorrow?""Whatever time you get here. You can correct my diet and I'll tell you about the dog I'm getting.""I'll come by at one?" she said it like a question.
"What ever time. We can walk and talk or sit and eat.""Okay," she said.
"I think we'll have fun. At least I will."
Then I went back to work and day dreamed about black puppies with gray cloud like eyes.

--------

June 28, 2005

Does anyone out there hear us?!?

Tgwalls Abstract 14
Click images for desktop size: "Abstract" by TG
Funny thing today. I keep my mobile on vibrate, mainly because I wear headphones most of the time, in a holster on my hip. I realized I didn't know when it was ringing/vibrating because all my joints are feeling that sort of mild electric shock when I move.
It is interesting to see who called though.
Good Ol' Dog came with me to work today. She didn't kill anyone but still demanded her wages. we went to the PetsMart (Is the WalMart truly the future of retail?) and she picked out her wages.
Like all employers I think Good Ol' Dog was grossly overpaid. All she did was smell crotches, chase lizards and watch the rain with me.
I guess that was enough.
I dislike my job because it's boring and poorly paid. I realized that some part of me misses the tension of extreme poverty and hunger. Food tasted better when it was the first food in a while. The sun felt nicer when it was all the entertainment you had.
Day The Earth Stood Still X01 (Insert)(1951)-1 I realized I was becoming comfortable. I don't trust being comfortable. I've seen too many people who's lives were a wreck, wreckage that was within their own control, because they were comfortable.
Abused women struggling and fighting to get out of an abusive relationship then falling back into another equally abusive relationship, not because they were deceived, but because they felt uncomfortable not being abused.
I've seen kids struggling to stop being victims make horrendous errors in their life to force themselves into a continuing constant hell, because the bastards who originally abused them made sure that being in Hell was comfortable. Hell was the only place they knew.
We've all heard the saw about ignoring the elephant on the coffee table because having that tremendous weight there kept them comfortable.
And "comfort food"? Why are so many people so fat and complain about it while still protecting their right to eat "comfort food"?
I don't like being comfortable. It makes me edgy.
I like being happy though.
I like knowing lots of people. People make me happy. And dogs. Dogs make me very happy.
One thing that worries me seriously about a puppy is that the odds are good that the puppy will outlive me.
I know my dogs pretty well and I have people who can take care of her well, if I go first. The puppy's life will be diminished because dogs love their owners with a deepness you find, well, that I've found only twice in my life with people.
But she will go to her new family and have a happiness of a sort. She'll always be my dog. But she can be their Guardian Black Angel.
History is full of the exploits of this breed. How during WWII they dragged their masters to safety and then turned to defend the unconscious soldier from the enemy. How they died protecting children, burned themselves to death dragging their family members one by one from burning buildings.
I guess that's part of why I love the breed.
The warrior part that says death is always a possibility so lets have fun now.

Good Ol' Dog and I threw the ball 500 times. My arms in all sorts of pain.
When It came time to check for velocity I had the good sense to face the long way instead of throwing at the fence.
The ball still sailed on me but I got about 55 yards on the fly.
I'll keep working at it.
I'll make the arm work the way it's supposed to. It hasn't fallen off so, to me, that means it can be trained.
I just hope it trains into something I'm happy with.
Jessicalange
Click images for desktop size: "Jessica Lange"
Today the pups were given their total physicals. I spoke to the breeders husband and he said there were some concerns but he didn't really know what those concerns were.

It's the morning now. The puppy issues were nothing. Maybe they were important if you were going into the show ring but even then it's nothing to faze me.
While I was on the phone I could hear the puppies growling and fighting, demanding attention.
It made me feel better about everything and anything.

--------

June 27, 2005

What's all the silence down there

Murmeln
Click images for desktop size: "Mermelm" by Jennis
If I push myself I can get around okay.
I spent the day at work doing some work and then constructing my throwing pen.
I painted a "slim batter's box" on the chain link fence. I then painted marks to denote 66 feet, 70 feet and 90 feet. I got out my 3 baseballs and started at the 66. I threw 200 balls with no velocity, making sure to stretch my arm out before each toss. I only missed the box 4 times.
Figuring my arm was warm I moved back to 90 feet and decided to throw with velocity. The ball went 6 feet over the six foot fence . . .
I threw 25 more balls from 90 feet, again with no velocity and was pretty spot on so I uncranked another throw with power and again went about 10 feet over the 6 foot fence. . .
Willielaunchesanotherone-1I decided to move back to the 66 foot mark and work from there with power. I cranked and threw this one 4 feet over the 6 foot fence . . .
Then I had to forage through this actual forest for about 10 minutes to find two of my three base balls.
I cursed myself because I didn't notice if my backstop skippers even had any velocity on them . . .
Tomorrow I'm bringing Good Ol' Dog to work with me. I have this insane illusion that she will fetch my baseballs and save me the jog . . . I live in a fools paradise.
The only thing of note in my boring day was that I walked down about a mile to interview a vet for the puppy.
I realized that when it comes to doctors for myself I just pray they are not so screwed up so as to kill me. Shovel money through the door, beg for divine guidance and let them invade my body.
I mean, I never ask where the Doctor graduated in their class, where they did pre-med, what was their GPA. All questions I routinely ask a vet (as well as the vet's theories on life and dogs to make sure they align properly with my own.)
My justification is that I can complain and run away. A dog doesn't have that luxury. They can't say what they don't like and they can't complain about indifferent service.
But the truth is I just love dogs and look for an excuse to talk about them.

--------

June 26, 2005

But until then

Ahardday'snight-03(1964-24-Sheet)

Life has too many decisions for me.
I slept most of the day. I was awake at my usual time but then I was overwhelmed by fatigue.
It's easy to push this off as being just a result of working etc but I know the difference between tired and fatigued.
I don't know if I can go through this again.
Rico-Green One thing that diverts all my attention is stuff like this. I think I'm going with Miss Green. She is the one on the right who is tussling with the pup who is almost twice her age! She just looks ideal to me.
Like I've always said I like strong women who have minds of their own and don't care if I like them or not. I mean that won't distort themselves into a convulsion of false images trying to make themselves appear to be whatever their perceptions are of trying to appear to be a woman I'd like . . . got that? Could you explain it to me?
I just know that too many people lie or withhold the truth from someone they are infatuated with. I don't know why they do this. Do they think that their loved one is never going to figure out what they really are? If the focus of your affection can't accept the person you are, the person you were and the person you want to be and see them as one big picture of you what good are they?
Imagine-01(1988)(John) I guess it is a dream that a lot of us feel is impossible. It is not impossible. There are people out there who can know all of our secrets, all of our dirty little thoughts and impulses; impulses we've resisted and fallen prey to. They can know all of this and still see a person worth being loved.
Because us and them is only us.
Terry Pratchett coined a phrase. One of my players scrawled it on his helmet: "There is no justice. There is just us."
I don't much care for Pratchett but I like this phrase. Maybe not in the way that he or my player intended but I like it nonetheless. It's an axiom for me. It's why I don't get nervous or over react. The reason I'm able to keep getting up.
The reason I'm seldom afraid of love.

The cats are getting nervous about the prospect of a dog entering the house.
I think they know that if I have an ally that it will be much more difficult for them to kill me. Their little feline plots of fecund destruction will fall into mist before the onslaught of my dog . . .
My dog . . . I hope she tells me her name. I don't like making up names for animals. It's much cleaner and easier when you meet them and they say, "Hi, I'm Ethel, wanna play?"
Of course it doesn't always go right. One of my dogs insisted that her name was "CRASH BAM BOOM!!!!!" She included all the exclamation points too.
When I told her that was not a good name even if it did describe her very well she wanted to be called "Chevrolet" because she insisted she had driven a Chevrolet once and she was much bigger and much faster than that.
Dogs are incredibly stupid, even if they think they're not.

June 25, 2005

If I don't start crying it's because I've got no eyes

Leon
Click images for desktop size: "Leon"
Long tiresome day where illness clung to me like death so I tried to dance around it.
I got a lengthy email about the puppies. I can have one of the females.
This pleases me in a way I hadn't expected.
The breeder gave quite expert descriptions of their personalities, which is most important to me.
Miss Yellow, my first choice, is the pick of the litter and the male dog's owner (or the daddy's owner in tech speak) has claimed her. . .
Miss Green is quite independent but intrigued by people. My favorite dogs have always been independent. Sometimes this makes them harder to train but pays off.
Miss Orange is going to be too large to be a show dog (dog shows hold no interest for me) but has perfect confirmation thus far. She is playful and loves people. She runs to them.
Mr Blue is being kept by the breeder as they are very much in love with each other.
Mr Red likes his toys and has the look of a champion. (I've seen their pedigrees. Grand Champions abound)
Deliverance For me the choice is between the two girls. They are 6 weeks now!
Soon I will have to make an intelligent choice.
I got an email from my old baseball team. They are very excited. If they win next week against the last place team they will win their first ever championship. I've been voted MVP which I thought was stupid.
I only played 8 games and they've gone 8 and two without me. Clearly I was not essential. That's what I wrote back to him.
His reply was touching. He said the Ethel, my little dog, and I had taught them how to win and how to be champions.
Ethel was a champ, for sure. She watched us play and she watched us very hard.
If they want to put her name on a plaque or some such I'd never object. I'd approve.
As for my baseball future . . . (these are the jokes, see) The league has just started signing players here for a 12 game mid-August season.
My right elbow sprain is not healing. It still hurts almost constantly but the doctors are too worried about other nonsense to fret over this; an ex-jock having his little flings.
I probably need an MRI. As it is, I can still throw with dead accuracy. I can hit a 4 inch wide tree trunk at 30 yards. I can still hit it at 40 yards but on the bounce.
I've lost speed on the ball too. Tomorrow I'm going to find a batting cage and whack a few hundred balls, then I'm going to throw a baseball at a chain link fence for an hour or so.
Willy Mays-Elproducto
Click images for desktop size: "Willy Mays: El Producto"
I will either get myself into battle shape or rip my body apart enough to know there's no chance . . . at least no chance for this year.Actually where I work has a chain link fence. I can spray paint a "batter's box" on it and spend my lunch hour throwing at it.
My housemate bought her car today. It's a Volvo S80.
I still prefer performance cars and I still like to punch it. This car suits her though and her new hot pop job.
At least it's black, a black they call "Magic Blue".
There's a lot you can make of a car called "Magic Blue."

--------

I was just sitting there thinking

2-1 Yesterday was the anniversary of my friend Tom's death.
Tom and I were best friends from when we were six years old.
We terrorized the Pop Warner Football fields, the Little League diamonds and we carved the California waves on golden days and silver nights. We did the same thing through High School, college, marriages and through the "nights of rage and pain".
He was a giant man. 6' 8" 275 pounds and ran a 4.6 forty. He could bench 400 pounds.
With his size and strength he could crank the most viscious bottom turns and lip smack ever. He could have stayed in Hawaii. On the waves and in life he never had a trace of fear. He wasn't courageous, he was enraged and his rage didn't allow fear a soft place to sit.
He was a bastard. Nearly as good looking as me but he hated everyone except me and my family.
His father invented/created the "Drive Thru Church". So Tommy saw everything around him as proof of the universes hypocrasy and lack of worth. He was time bomb that could be set off by a gesture or a sound.
When we were 15 we beat up a gang who had a member who insulted Tom's girlfriend of the moment. The Cowboys or something.
He didn't much like the girl but it was an excuse to fight.
All state linebacker, 5 dan Karate, he loved to hit.
But he never hit me and protected my family as best as he could.
I miss him.

June 23, 2005

Catch a wave

Custer'slaststand
Click images for desktop size: "Custer's Last Stand" Unknown Native American Artist
Dr Basketball is now officially Doctor J. She called me today and we settled on this.
Dr J said that everyone at the hospital was now calling her Dr Basketball. . . and it was my fault.
We talked about the original Dr J (Julius Ervin - does anyone remember him?) and how he and the ABA reshaped the game of basketball.
It was the ABA, to our minds, that set the game free - they allowed dunking, encouraged playground style basketball, and drove salaries up.
We talked about athletes salaries. I think they're high but it's fair. People complain about them because sports heros still have much in common with us. They sit as exemplars as well as idols.
No one complains that one year Michael Jackson earned 65 million from record sales and concert tickets, or that a year earlier Bruce Springsteen earned almost that much. For some reason pop stars excesses are allowed while sport stars, who work hard on their skills and crafts are expected to earn less.
It was a nice conversation. I like my Dr J.
She's concerned about but not worried. I think that's a fair assessment.
20 Million Miles To Earth1X Today started oddly. I went outside fresh out of bed, as is my habit, barefoot, hare uncombed, dressed but sloppily.
I saw a turtle in the middle of the street. I was worried about a car hitting it so I padded out there and, after inspecting him pretty fully and debating whether I should keep it as a pet, I finally decided to just move him to safety.
I moved him to the grass of a yard and because he wouldn't poke out of his shell (and box turtles close up like a bunker, I decided to wave my arms and loudly proclaim, "Be free little turtle!"
And then I realized a cute jogger and her dog watched the whole little theater. She had a big smile and said, "Good morning!!"
Being the type of idiot who never gets too embarrassed by his own eccentricities or unshaved face and uncombed hair I said good morning right back and only slightly hoped she wouldn't think I was the mad prophet of reptiles.
Work was tremendously dull, which is probably a good thing.
I felt fine until just a while ago.
My housemate made a surprise appearance. I was so glad to see her I couldn't be bothered greatly that her return had negative connotations. I still figure her problems "up there" are easily resolvable.
I took Good Ol' Dog to the dog park. We stared at our Heron friend. Some lady noticed that the big bird comes awfully close to us. I noticed that her coming close to us made the big bird fly away.
At the dog park I clamped on the iPod to shut out the noise from the yuppies and Good Ol' Dog and I had a pretty good time.
Tinkers To Evers To Chance-Oddmanout
Click images for desktop size: "Tinkers to Evers To Chance"
I threw the ball about 150 times. If I stretched my arm before each throw the discomfort was bearable. I still have no speed on the ball but I was getting about 40 to 45 yards a toss.
I'm still planning to play ball this summer. The league starts in August and I think I'll be in shape by then. I'm going to look for a batting cage this weekend. And my Dr J said it was ok for me to play so leave me alone about it!
Walking back from the dog park was proving to be dull and warm when we heard a little girl cry. She was about 4 and fell of her bike. We picked her up and carried her and the bike home. She told me the bike was a bad machine. I agreed and delivered them both to her mom.
Our next door neighbors have a rescue dog, a cute 8 month old lab mix. I call her Mr Sox but they gave her a modern name I can't pronounce.
She was out tearing up some garbage. I yelled at her and she stopped.
I think today I did feel like a hero in a small way. But then, it's a small world too.

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June 22, 2005

If you think the dance is all in the hips then do the twist
~Jack White

Lawnelf Alabaster
Click images for desktop size: "Alabaster" by Lawn Elf
On my new meds there is a warning: Call Doctor immediately if you feel faint, sweaty and/or confused.
I didn't say anything but those are usually the symptoms of me having a good time . . .
The doctor visit nearly got ugly. The nurses and residents did the pre-req tests, BP blood count, ya knows the drill.
As usual the tests came back looking pretty grim. My blood count was just under 4. For most people it's around 10. Eight is considered kind of healthy. Under 5 you're supposed to be in hospital and kind of comatose or something.
They wanted to check me into hospital which I'm not keen on. I have no intention of dying in a hospital. Two people I loved did and it sucks.
So even if I'm comatose I was going to fight my way out. Luckily Dr Basketball called - she's the oncologist who put herself through school playing basketball. I like her.
I Passed For White (1960)Dr Basketball called off the orderlies and told them just to fill the scripts. She talked to me and explained the things I've been telling you here.
Basically I'm an (ex) athlete and my body has been "scourged" by chemo and leukemia, but it doesn't mean that my body is going to react the same way that a "normal" person's body will, or that pain is the same thing to me that it might be to you.
I don't like being isolated like that. I guess it's true to a point if, if they're honest about it, that 3.8 counts mean I should be feeling much worse than I do.
I looked around the area of the clinic - looking for a new place to stay. I looked at two anyway, and they were ok, not great but ok. I'll keep on looking.
It just means some things in my life have to change.
For most people the Morality Plague comes out of oblivion every seven years or so and, like the locusts, builds it white houses in public cemeteries, and propagates, with evil simplicity, "truth" and "honesty" as virtues.
This has the popular appeal of chocolate, the distorting capacity of gin.
Since when has truth been a virtue? Can you name one truth that is everywhere welcome?
Certainly not in the play for or defense of political power. Power is based in a deep comprehension and perverse love of deception, especially self deception and any one who seeks power through truth is either a fool or a loser.
StudebakerNo one has ever pledged to reveal all his own self inflation, all those covetous, envious, lascivious, venal, and violent motives that drive every move he makes.
No man invented the perverse forces that drive human beings. I can't explain any of them. They are a mystery of nature.
A morally pure society with men unblemished by sin and vice might possibly exist somewhere, though I've never seen or heard of one, and I can't really imagine what one would be like. But I'll keep looking.


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June 21, 2005

It's the longest day of the year
So I decided to spend it thinking of you

Brigittebardot Felt iller today than I have in a long while.
Teeth floating in and out of my mouth, I keep touching them to make sure they're still in my gums and not magically about half an inch to the side. That's how they feel. I know that can't be true but I can't keep myself from checking, just to be sure.
I've got that old electric current running through my bones - pain with every movement, no matter how slow or how fast I move.
I didn't let it slow me down much. Pain is something to roll with. You can fight one on one with pain and it's a fight I've always won.

1930 Hell's Angels JpegOne exciting thing: At work today I saw a musk rat! It was very large and very slow. It seemed more arrogant than indolent. I liked watching it inspecting things as if he were considering whether this branch was good enough for his world.
I saw the male heron today. He lets me and Good Ol' Dog get very close to him. He gives us the eye when were too close. If we respect his 3 foot limit we are allowed to watch him.
He ate a fish today!
I also saw a bright yellow bird and it's slightly less bright mate. They were the size of finches.
Fire red cardinals I now take for granted. The sight of them is merely my due for walking this earth. I like it best when they yell at us.
A Blue Jay yelled at us from a branch just a foot from my face! I hoped he would attack us but he was content merely to shout at me.
Sometimes reality gets splintered on me. Pain acts like a prism taking in colors and spewing out globs of blackness. I like enjoying the things I see. I like enjoying the people I meet. I like that I don't want to be too fond of anyone . . . except maybe a dog.
One thing I think is that my fondness is sometimes bigger than a lot of people's "special loves". I think that's arrogant to feel but I still think it's true.
Baseball-Encyclopedia Tenth-Edition-1 Sometimes today I wished they sold death in a bottle, but then I'd see something that would chase that inanity from my head.
I finished my day at work with no problems other than boredom.
This morning I was pleased to note that I walked nearly 7 miles yesterday. I felt no pain then or in the morning, no pain from walking in my legs or feet anyway.
I'm going to work tomorrow and then I'm going to the doctor after.
I know what the doc will say but maybe I'm wrong.
I've been so wrong about so many things before.


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June 20, 2005

Free that brown eyed handsome man

1-1 1280
Click images for desktop size: "1" by DMG
The greatest compliment I've ever received was, "You've done nothing to diminish the legend."
I only wish I was certain of it meant.
But I like the sound of it and the words in there.
Charles Dodgson: "Take care of the sounds and the sense will take care of itself."
I like the sound of diminish and legend and having both words in one sentence.
This weekend I got a notice that I nearly ate up all 3 gig of my allotted bandwidth bandwidth. That surprised me.
When I wrote to the sysop he told me not to worry about it as they were resetting the bandwidth when they moved to the new server. It's done now but everything reflects a back up date so I have to correct some things. So, pay no attention to those 404 errors or the lack of proper pictures.
Dragstrip Girl (1957) I know that most people come here for the pictures. You should. I like that.
As to other things life flows with a monotony I find more bewildering than anything else.
Odd to realize it's hard for me to survive in calm. I don't like drama but I like life.
Went with my housemate to look at cars this weekend. The cars bewildered me. Her concern was one of those state-of-the-art navigation systems in a, to me, clunky, luxury car. For the 40k plus I'd buy a wrecked Maserati of Lamborghini and devote the rest of my life to restoring it. I have no way of grasping or understanding wanting a big non-responsive "luxury" car.
I don't think it's wrong I just don't understand it.
I think she's irked with me because she wants me to understand, approve and be happy with her decision. But I could be completely wrong. I usually am.
Today I got the documents on the puppies. Two sets of photos of beautiful dogs, the parents. Simply stunning beasts who were smiling in most of the shots. The mom, when she wasn't grinning, was looking thoughtful and sweet.
Their pedigrees were stunning and far more impressive than mine. All their medical stuff pulls up perfectly two. These puppies are kind of perfect.
I just have to figure and be ready for the change that will have to happen when I share my life with a dog who demands to be a part of the family, even if the family is just her and I.
I have to consider but don't have to decide for certain until next week when the vet gives the puppies their first shots and the full look-over.
Try-Walking-In-My-Shoes 555Design
Click images for desktop size: "Try Walking In My Shoes" by 555
Work is fitfully dull. It promises to remain so.
I am surprised at how many people, almost always women, will come up to me and ask for directions.
I know I look alien here. I can't help looking like the California kid. I dress differently, I'm wearing dark glasses and generally I'm half-dancing to the music in the headphones, but they still walk past people who obviously know the area to ask me how to get places I've never heard of.
I just tell them I'm new here and ask another passerby who can generally be helpful.
Tomorrow I'm getting a haircut. How's that for excitement.
I hated my last haircut . . . I hated it a lot and hate the way it grew out even more. So this one had better be good . . .

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June 17, 2005

The Importance of Knowledge

Desk 20 I remember a time where every day was a step forward to discovering the niggling key to some mystery. I just can't remember when it was.
Today was a terrible day filled with tiny disappointments and no grace or beauty. A day like too many of us endure to the point where some of us think that ah, so this is life!
It isn't.
Life is the soft paw pads of puppies. The gracious smile from an attractive stranger. Love that can barely exist except for this moment.
In the midst of my complaining and whinging I got a picture. A beautiful moving picture of my little dog ethel. A watercolor and the picture is not something I'd ever share. It touched me because the artist got her expression and mood, the face she had when she patiently explained that "cats are very bad things cause they hit good dogs in they noses for no good reason at all!" At her feet there's an empty container of "Frosty Paws." I know it's empty because Ethel would never leave a full one lying around.
Hot Money Girls (1959)I don't care what anyone else might think of the painting of my dog. It's important to me and the reasons it's important are private like a piece of porn or a lock of hair from the girl you loved when you were 15. The meaning comes from inside and what the outside world feels is even less important than usual.
It reminded me that I am different in some ways. I'm too dumb to be judgmental. I too interested in seeing and meeting people to think I can suss them in an hour or a day or a year. I'm too excited by the difference in life to think I can see a future laid out in front of me.
I'm an idiot, I know.
I met a soldier today. He's going to be shipped off to Iraq in a month. It saddened me. He was too young to be so frightened.
I thought for a while what he would learn, if he survived his tour. I didn't like it. Warriors are born not made.
What beasts conceive of war should be doomed to fight them. Trite to you smart guys but I'm an idiot and just can't respect anyone who starts a fight and then sends in a proxy to do the fighting, the bleeding. I've settled down and picked the litter I'm interested in. They go to the vets on the 28th for their big physical. That will be the final tell.
Three girls to choose from. I hope they all pass and stay healthy.


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June 16, 2005

We go about tomorrows like they're todays

Dr Strangelove X01 Today was all about the staring and the looking. Dreaming of of future that neglects the past and ignores the present.
Mainly I daydreamed about new puppies and about the worries that a new puppy would bring into my stupidly unstable lifestyle. Then I thought about the pleasure of a puppy. There's not much to imagine.
Puppies are better than surfing. Puppies are their own kind of requited love. A puppy carries in it the smaller possibilities of happiness easy to attain.
If puppies did not exist we would have to create them.
Work is horrifyingly slow. I can deal with that. Watching hours pass by into nothing but a paycheck isn't good but it's not so bad either.
I had a call from someone else I sent a resume to. I sent them out shot gun style with little regard as to whether I wanted the job or not. I returned their call and left a message. I figure I owed myself that much at least.
I'm not that keen on trading one sort of boredom for another. All I need now is enough money for puppy food and vet bills and a little something occasionally for myself. When you have a puppy and an iPod you don't need much else, at least not in my little world.
I went out to lunch today with the "work girls" women. They eat too much. I had a bowl of soup and a small salad. As a sot to me they had these enormous salads with creamy dressing followed with banana nut bread and ice cream filled whip creamed covered crepes!
Then they talked about how they were gaining too much weight! I felt sorry for them. They're nice people who've never had control of their own lives and now seem cursed at surviving alone.
Mask Of Fu Manchu[Lc]1 Took Good Ol' Dog to the dog park. It was a beautiful day so the dog park was semi-ruined for us by the yuppies with poorly bred pure breds that they couldn't control.
There were a lot of dog fights where the owners did everything pretty much wrong. One guy stood his dog up on it's hind legs and yelled at it . . .
Walking back we ran into Pink Girl. I tried to avoid her and lolly gagged thinking she might miss us. Instead, when we got there were a group of kids taunting her and her boy friend so I felt I just couldn't skirt by.
I made this boyfriend nervous but not as nervous as the 6 or 7 kids. They were just kids to me. I said howzit to them and they sort of shuffled off.
Titanic Meets Godzilla There was no magic between Pink Girl and I today, which was a relief. She seemed embarrassed. I'm not sure if it was because her boyfriend saw me or it was me seeing the boyfriend. He was worried about the kids "keying" his car. That was odd to me. I guess guys in their early 20's worry about different things. I walked them home because the taunting kids were hanging around.
He seemed like a nice enough kid but he was scared. I thought he should have been worried for Pink Girl and keeping her safe, but that's none of my business and could just be a reflection of my age and chauvinism.
When I got them safe I went back and talked to the kids. Three of them had the guts to stand steady. I don't know why they needed courage. I asked them if they wanted to be on a track team. They declined.


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June 15, 2005

Tell 'em I'm Surfing

Pooch Cafe 2005-06-15

I think Poncho is the funniest cartoon since Calvin and Hobbes.

Day The Earth Stood Still, The This was a day that should have felt better than it did. I felt sort of sick and locked into "warrior" mode. The heat and humidity aggravated things. I just screwed around at work, doing trivial keep busy stuff. Had some fun doing dangerous things. Today was my "half day" so after work I went and got a library card. I am always amazed that they will give a library card to almost anyone. Getting rejected for one would be a tremendous blow to my ego. On the other hand I always wonder why they would give someone like me a card. I read books and there are a lot of books I want to read but think are stupidly expensive. Fleshisweak-Blondeinbondage (1957) And know I have some of them. Now I am potentially dangerous.After the less than dramatic library incident I went to a meeting that went on too long.I spoke to the City people about starting a track club for kids in the city. I hit some stupid road blocks. Like it always is in a world at war there's a need for money for killing so there's none to enable kids to grow up to be strong warriors. Especially kids from the wrong class and the wrong color skin. I've been through this nonsense before. It doesn't even upset me anymore. It's the way the world is and I can only change my little corner of it. We talked and laid out some plans. One stupid roadblock did upset me. I counted on school buses for transportation. I want the kids to compete in the "Hershey National Youth Track and Field" competition. It's national and statewide. It seems like what I want to do is work with the city but the school buses are owned by the county. They originally said yes but then the county lawyer said NO. That the increase in liability was too great and that the county couldn't take the chance . . . All lawyers have the potential to be huge assholes. No thought to the expense of watching kids without self esteem or a chance to be something good to themselves. No accounting for the potential expense of prison. No accounting for the expense and pain that directionless kids might create. If I run into this lawyer I plan to trip and spill a cup of hot coffee in his lap . . . It makes things more difficult but lawyers stymie me but they're not strong enough to stop even a weakened sickly man. I told them that I had a dark suit and I've been through it enough to know how to hammerlock corporations and make them give us money. I don't like it but I can do it. Tyrannosaurusrex-Frankfrazetta The city guys were impressed with my credentials but they were more impressed with why I refused to consider compensation. At least I intimidated them enough that they didn't actually ask me. If they had I'd have said that it was a personal thing. If they'd pressed it I'd have said it was none of their business. If they pressed it further I'd have given them my New Republican answer; "It's between me and god." They tried to get me interested in coaching basketball but I don't know how to teach that game. Oddly they have plenty of baseball coaches. I forgot that in the US everybody thinks they know enough about baseball to teach the game.

June 14, 2005

There's a heart calling for you out there
An angel seeks a friend

Schooldancers1024
Click images for desktop size: "School Dancers"
Work was what it was. For a second day I impressed hell out of them which says little for the standard type of employee they must get. It's the kind of job that you learn in two hours and then do every day, day in and day out until you finally find yourself at the end and realize you've got a gun in your hand and no plans for tomorrow.This sort of job suits me fine. Mainly because I plan to get a dog.
Dogs are things that are safe to live for. They'll live for you.
They always have a sense of humor about life. They're grateful that you're a part of their life.
Dogs are ok.
Girls Under 21 (1940) I ran into Pink Girl today. She was enchanting in that way that only a woman can pull off.
I'd say something and then she was off and running, finishing my thought correctly and adding the assurance that she agreed with it.
We walked and talked about her future which ran the gamut from being a vet, to a fashion designer to being a tattoo artist.
Good Ol' Dog kept pulling us along as Pink Girl talked about dreams, the fascinating things she wanted to do. She shredded my heart like a red paper valentine when she prefaced all her sayings with, "I've researched it. I research everything that's important to me."
Then she talked about her grandiose plans to save the world with money, power and the internet. it was innocent and beautiful. She looked beautiful to me as she talked about her plans and her fears.
We walked and we talked for over an hour, about music and what we loved about it and the different kinds we loved. Good Ol' Dog was grateful as we didn't interfere with her rhythm. We let Good Ol' Dog set the pace and direction of our walk.
We finally ended up at Pink Girl's house. She said she wanted to show me something. I didn't want to come inside. This wasn't because of her. The problem was inside me and the fondness I was feeling for her.
She made me promise to wait. I debated but because I'm slow witted and she was fast she came back out. She had something with my picture on it, a picture from long ago. She asked if that was me.
I had a lot of confused feelings but I nodded and then she asked me if I would sign it for her. She had a sharpie. I was pleased she was smart enough to know I'd never refuse.
Themoodysplinter
Click images for desktop size: "Ted Williams:The Mighty Splinter"
I remembered to ask her name. I wrote it and signed my own.
I asked her where she'd found it and she said, "I researched you! It doesn't make you mad? I wasn't spying was I?"
I told her she wasn't spying.
She thanked me and tried to take my hand.
Forgive me, but a part of me hoped I would never see her again.

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June 13, 2005

Another Suspect

Reina&Yellow3WksPups3Wks4

A new possibility in my quest for dog unconditional affection. These pix were taken yesterday. The pups are 4 weeks old. One look at the mother, who used to be beautiful but is now a shell shocked and harried picture of martyrdom gives all the info you need about the attitude and bellicose nature of these demons. The one with the yellow yarn around it's neck is the female I'm interested in. She looks like a lost and lonely teddy bear. Don't be fooled. Those looks are only to deceive. Natural selection. If puppies looked as evil as they actually were none would survive. What she is is trouble. Time Stands Still 1024
Click images for desktop size: "Time Stands Still"
I started the new job today. It was a non-event and only required about 4 hours of my time. I walked most of the 6 miles home which was the most interesting part of the day. It was hot and humid so I poured sweat. I don't mind being slimy and wet. The people I'll be working with are . . . interesting. It looks like when I'm finished being indoctrinated I'll have no one to deal with but myself. The manager is an attractive older woman. It's obvious she used to be spectacular looking. She's pretty nice in a polite way. Some things she said to me that struck me as either off kilter or intensely human. She told me that her birthday was Sunday and that her fiancee had died 3 years ago. She even showed me a picture of the two of them she kept too handy. Fritz The CatShe looked spectacular in it. He just looked like a guy and meant something to me only in that he was important to her. I left her with the idea in my head that I should have been nicer to her. I heard from my Housemate. Her first day at her new job was easier than mine. They forgot about her starting . . . but she's still on the payroll so she made nearly a grand arranging her apartment today . . . The animals here have not taken well to the new arrangements. The cats were actually nervous about me not being rapidly available. They met me at the door. My guess is that until they're certain of who's going to feed them my life will be safe for a while . . . Last night I had an odd dream. I don't dream often but this is one of my movie dreams except I was actually in this one. I recognized myself but I was older and more gaunt than I actually am. I was at a premiere for some "cult" film. People were dressed in costumes I didn't recognize but that I assumed were characters from previous films made by this guy. A new puppy was with me and was excited by the hub bub, as puppies normally are - in fact deprived of hub bub they will usually generate their own. I saw an old girl friend there, one I parted with on mutual bad terms. (My bad terms was that she had lied to me and deceived me for no real purpose, she was upset with me because I didn't understand and accept that she had to lie to me.) Ps 15 Daruma! Taomc Scott Mc Daniel Daredevil-Fall From GraceMy ex-girlfriend was bisexual and was in attendance tonight with a woman about my age. They were in odd costumes - their faces were heavily pancaked so that they seemed like masks, small features were painted on like the imaginations of a chinese doll. She also had a dog with her, that I guessed belonged to her partner. It was a yappy small dog. My new puppy wanted to go say hello to the yappy dog but I held her back. The commotion caught my ex's eye and she stared at me for a long moment. A lot of emotions rolled over her face and she opted for the cheap one and gave me the finger. I was disappointed in her lack of originality. I was more disappointed in the film which was a pastiche of German expressionism filtered through an 80's punk sensibility and set to music. I hate it when I dream mediocre movies.

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June 12, 2005

Nobody here, boss

High School Confidential (1958) Our housemate has packed up and moved into the new place about 100 miles from here.
I don't care much for people leaving but I can deal with it, especially in view of how good the move will be for her.
We went to a small Auf Weidershen brunch today and it was nice to listen to her worry about how she's going to invest her money.
Much nicer to hear that then my usual fretting about where will money come from.
Too much cash: Bad in others but cool in your friends.
And you never have to worry about rich friends borrowing money from you!
Aside from missing her the only other downside is that I am now responsible for the care and feeding of the two homicidal cats. They know it and are already conniving on scams to knock me down the stairs and steal the can opener.
Gambling With Souls (1936) With the move I kind of neglected the fact that I start a crappy job on Monday. It's a "pay the bills" kind of thing. The actual grief will come from trying to stay awake during training. It will be dull and over explained. The net result is that somewhere in there I'll no doubt miss some vital information - vital info always seems to get dispensed right in the middle of the somnambulant inducing stuff.
It will be fine. While I'm being trained I can day dream about dogs running over fields and smiling while they ask me serious questions like, "How do you use a can opener?" and "Why did God make cats so ugly?"

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June 10, 2005

Wanted: Presumed Guilty and Dangerous

Xoum4 This is the dog I am considering letting be a part of my life . . . She came to me with a small amount of money and a big pack of troubles. I could see how potentially dangerous she is, the meanness in her face and sheer deceit in her eyes is woefully apparent.
This is a dangerous beast.
It is a sign of the rapid deterioration of my mental state that I would even consider letting something this cruel into my life as well as my home.
But a small amount of money and a big heap of trouble is what I live for.
Her rap sheet and resume is a study in remorse. Her list of aliases is topped with one word: Trouble. I know it would be better to turn around and pretend I'd never seen that face, seen those eyes.
Funny how we do that. You look at a dame and you know what's coming but you keep right on walking into it.
If you've reached the age where razor blades are more important than acne creams you don't even kid yourself that this one could be different. You know what's coming and for some reason you keep right on walking smack into that pit.
Xoum3 Somebody has a saying about it: "There's no trap more dangerous than the one we lay for ourselves.
I'm not stupid. At least I didn't used to think I was stupid. When this dish with the ears and the eyes looked me up I did all the right things.
But even while I was doing them I knew what the answers would be and I knew, sure as hell, that whatever the answers were I was going to ignore them.
This bitch had gotten under my skin. She'd touched a nerve and there wasn't anything I could do about it.
That's why I'm here now telling you this instead of being rushed to a hospital. Even if I make it through the night there's no chance I'll ever get my old life back. When I remember her blue eyes there's no way I could ever go back to that life.
She was deported from Belgium in the huge Interpol Scandal, she has been hiding in the USA while seeking to "turn over a new leaf."
No one takes these pleadings for clemency as anything more than a bid to find a "soft touch" or, in street parlance, a "rube" or a "sucker". I read dozens of cases like this. Her rap sheet was filled with shoe chewings, vase breakings, the wholoe list of crimes that rich folk can afford to find cute. But for us guys who have to work for a living all they mean is a months pay and dodging the landlord.
Xoum8 Shown here in one of her more nefarious schemes that the European boys like to call "The Case Of The Missing Cat Toy", European cops always looking for romance when dealing with the lower depths, the callous disregard by this "puppy" for others personal property is apparent.
This is a creature that is nothing but trouble. That's okay, trouble is my business . . .
Yeah.
She's not part of my life yet, maybe she never will be. Maybe that's the way a dame like this is supposed to be: something you dream of but never really get to touch, something you want to own but you know she's not meant for a guy like me, she's for the carriage trade, the yuppies and the devils who can laugh off having their hearts broken.
She's all dog and she knows it.

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June 9, 2005

Sensing DNA on barbed wire fences ~Alkaline Trio

Tank
Click images for desktop size: "Genom 4: Tank" by H. Kawane
I seldom dream.
I know that they say that everyone does. They say dreams are the way that our minds sort through the stuff we couldn't digest or believe or acknowledge during our day to day life.
They say that, but I seldom dream. Another by product of a simple mind, I guess.
When i do dream they are always of 3 types:
The screaming you can't fall back to sleep nightmare - always about people I've loved who died.
The film dreams, where I dream complicated plots. I'm never in the dreams. Sometimes my dream-director stops the dream and goes back for re-shoots and for rewrites. These are often very enjoyable and have great dream acting casts. And they're well lit and well scored! When I was a little kid I remember having dreams like this only they were usually cartoons.
And, of course the raw naked sex dreams.
For the past two nights I've had, for the first time I can recall, a different type of dream.
I dreamt I got a new dog. A purebred.
Flaming Youth (1923)The first night, in my dream, I was lying in bed. I thought one of the murderous cats had come into my room because I heard something, then I felt a weight on my chest. The cats like to sit on my chest and try to steal my breath so I will suffocate and die and then they will have their feline joy. Evil animals.
When I reached up to pet the cat it felt different so i opened my eyes and I saw a very goofy 4 week old puppy. It was laughing and staring at me, then laughing some more. It touched my nose with it's little glove leather soft paws then slipped and fell.
It thought that was pretty funny too.
The rest of the dream was of trying to figure out what to do with the dog if I should die, house training it. The puppy kept close to me always and kept bugging me to look at what it was doing. As 4 week old puppies shouldn't be away from their mother yet and as they look like clumsy live teddy bears I was caught in between serious concern and stupid laughter.
Last night I dreamt that I came home and saw a disaster. the now 7 week old puppy told me a preposterous tale: "Some really big cats came in a started eating your shoe and I told them you had better stop that! And they said no that they was going to beat me up so I said just you try and we was fighting very hard and that's how your lamp got broke . . ."
Even in my sleep I knew that I'd have to get a dog of my own soon.
Ty Cobb-Tris Speaker-Eddie Collins-Threeforthehall
Click images for desktop size: "Ty Cobb-Tris Speaker-Eddie Collins: 3 For the Hall"
The rest of the time has been taken up in getting our housemate ready to take her top hot pop job. She has to take it. The package is unbelievable. But she's resisting a lot of it, with pretty good cause.
Even people who hate their lives don't really want it to change.
At least not this drastically. Moving from a beautiful house that's been hers for 10 years, to a new city where she knows no one, and well. . .
And today I did a test run on the bus to the place where I start work on Monday. It was kind of depressing but not terrible.
More doctors tomorrow and then another job interview.

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June 7, 2005

Good evening, you know I love you. I do.

High School Hellcats (1958) Today was an odd but then decidedly a good day.
The mysterious illness seems to have fled. I called the Doctor and told him about it and complained bitterly too I suppose. Sometimes you have to complain loudly to doctors or else they tend not to hear you. There might be good logical reasons for this but when you're ill and feeling threatened you don't have time for good logical reasons. (Although always talking to people who feel ill and threatened might be one reason for Doctoral Deafness Syndrome. I guess it would be hard to tell the serious cry from the weak but harder for the patient to know which is which too.)
This doc is cool though and he did have another doc, an oncologist, call me and lay down the law.
One thing I wish they'd stop noticing: They all look at my history and keep being amazed that I'm still walking around, that I'm not a debilitated dried up husk. This oncology doc made me feel like I needed to apologize for it.
"Geez, doc, I'm sorry I survived. I'll try and collapse more in the future. Can't have a weird geezer screwing up the FDA averages. Sorry I tried to stay healthy and all that."
WallaceandgromitthecurseofthewererabbitBut my freaky illness, as he reminded me, was something I had long ago. I don't have enough red blood cells, pernicious stuff. I like to call it, "Bad bad blood. Bad to the bone." And yeah, when he reminded me I did remember, but it was a memory that makes you glad you have a butterfly memory like mine.
So all in all it was just a jolt of warning.
Still it felt good having some answers.
Better than that was getting to talk to my next door neighbor. My femme housemate has been having a bit of a war with them. She thinks they're rude. I can see why but I'm a bull and don't care much about hurt feelings. I tend to be confrontational and, besides, with next door neighbors you have to at least be friendly enough so that if they see your house burning down they'll call the fire department and not just gloat or waste time having a battle of consciousness.
So I talked to the next door neighbor lady for nearly a half hour. The main excuse for talking to her was that she's a runner. She's a good strong runner but has a lot of ineptness to her style: bad arm motion, splayed feet, bad strike angle etc.
I found a woman who wanted to be friendly but had terrible social skills brought on by incredible shyness and, probably, low self esteem.
She told me she'd run a marathon once in San Francisco and that she'd raised $7,000 for leukemia research by finishing it. Her sister had died from leukemia, the same kind I have.
That answered a lot of questions. We talked about running and about kids. I think I terrified her but she didn't run away.
That counts for a lot with me. Wanting to run and then not.
After out chat I checked the mail and I got a check. Not huge but enough for me to make a tiny dent in my debt and enough to get an iPod shuffle for myself as a waste of money treat!
I like the iPod shuffle. I don't think I can break it. It's cute and the sound is . . . a bit thin but adequate.
Turtle-Power 1024 Then my housemate and I chatted. She's worried about my health. I tried to tell her not to worry but I know you can't tell people what to think or feel and I've got no reassurances. None.
What we could talk about is her top hot pop job is becoming incredible. We're both starting jobs in a week. My job sucks her is unreal . . . but we both have to deal with the fact that life is no longer just for living.
That kind of sucks even if the rest of it is all good. I like working and so does she.
So all kinds of animals today but none of them remarkable.
Good Ol' Dog still thinks I throw the ball with incredible stupidity and has taken to hiding them from me to prevent her embarrassment.

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June 5, 2005

Give it to me straight Doc!

Macrodeath
Click images for desktop size: "MacroDeath" by MacroDeath
Very strange. I've been sick in a different way then I'm used to.
Last night about 11 I got violent chills. Really earthquake style tremors. I put on my gortex lined hoodie and climbed into bed fully clothed and felt like I was freezing to death. The temperature was about 72 Fahrenheit. I pulled the covers over my head and fell asleep.
I kept waking up but couldn't move. At 4:30 I moved enough to take off the hoodie. I was slick with sweat. At 8:30 I got up and thought I'd have a cup of coffee. The idea of coffee made me nauseous and I couldn't keep my eyes open. I went back to bed.
The next time I got up at 2:00 p.m.. I moved around and again thought of having a cup of coffee with the same results - deep nausea. My housemate came back from her little trip and while she was talking I fell asleep. Woke up and went back to bed until 5:30 p.m.. About 18 hours of sleep!
That's ridiculous.
I'm used to sleeping like this when I'm sick. My body demands that it rests to heal. It knows that I'll drive myself so it short circuits so I have to stop.
Girls On The Loose (1958)Nothing feels wrong with me.
No fever. No headache. No nothing except the nausea when I think about eating or drinking.
I've spent the last 3 hours fighting to not go to sleep.
I had a cup of coffee. It was slow going but I got it down. I had a small sandwich. It was no good. I got about half it down and the idea of another bite terrified me, so I gave it to Good Ol' Dog. She was very appreciative.
Needless to say, with my sleeping 18 hours, there's not a whole lot to tell about my day.
It did occur to me that this "mock" illness could be another devious attack by the cats that Good Ol' Dog and I have to share our space with.
They spent a lot of time lounging on me. It's not a far cry to think that they were revelling in their new found victory and that they MAY have finally succeeded in murdering me.
Other than that I just sort of wonder about stupid things: Why don't any hawks come and use the bird bath? If dinosaurs are related to birds we need to be more careful of them. That sort of nonsense.

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June 4, 2005

Picked her from all the old klunkers

Figure B Design Kindom.Com
Click images for desktop size: "Figure B" by DesignKingdom.com
So, yesterday I'm coming out of the clinic and I find my housemate waiting for me. Normally I'd be stoked as it means a ride and not the bus, but today I needed more time to absorb and cope with the 2 hour meeting.
It's not good, but it's not the worst news possible.
I've been through this stage before. I wonder if it's that I'm so dumb I have to do everything in my life twice. Like my wife dies and then my fiance dies.
I know what's ahead of me. It doesn't make me happy but knowing what's going to happen worst case is something. I just didn't get to that conclusion right away.
I was sort of rattled and looking more for just a chance to escape everything.
It didn't help that I spotted a huge black vulture on the roadside devouring some road kill. This vulture was different than the vultures in the southwest. The SW vultures look pretty much like they do in those Loony Tunes cartoons. This creature had the features but its neck and head were jet black, which made it look not just carnivorous but fiendish.
My housemate is still totally stoked about the job. She got the details of the contract and it even has a mid 5 figure SIGNING bonus! Rah! I immediately asked to borrow 20 bucks! She can afford it.
Hard Fast & Beautiful X01She was so jazzed she wanted to take me and our other housemate away to a luxury resort for a week. She was trying to find kennels for the dog and for the cats.
With everything else going on that panicked me. I don't want the animals in a strange place. I want them happy. Even if the cats are plotting my death I figure it's better to have them where I can see what they bring into the house (knives, guns, poisons etc) Out at a kennel they could smuggle almost anything in.
I didn't want to go. Like I don't want to go to a hospice and I don't want the animals locked up in a "Pet Spa". It all relaxed quickly. We get along okay.
I spent last night just getting my thoughts in order and figuring out what is going on and what's going to happen. I start a job on the 13th. I've got a week to mess around.
I finished installing Tiger on my computer. I have to say it's not worth the price. (I got it free, a gift.) The only new things are 3 cool apps. The spotlight search function works nearly as well as the search in BeOS. Dashboard and Automator are like nifty shareware apps. The other changes are not so much or that cool.
It's a nice upgrade but it's not a new OS.
I got a slew of Pooch Cafe strips from a friend. I laughed out loud at least 5 times. Poncho is a cool dog. He wears a wristwatch and frets over a world that contains squirrels and cats.
Then today my housemate and I went to work on his house. It was fun just tearing out interior walls. I like bashing things so this was totally cool therapy.
My server here has finally gotten the problem sorted out with Perl modules so my Movable Type installation is working.
I like WordPress and now I have to decide to keep this one or go back to the old Movable Type one.
Pluses and minuses both ways.
Good Ol' Dog and I found a box turtle! He was very big and yellow and green. When I picked him up he went into his shell so I put him by some shade. I figure the Chinese probably have a saying about a man who finds a box turtle but I'd rather not know it.

June 3, 2005

I've got a book of matches
~Alkaline Trio

Warchild-In-Between-Dreams
Click images for desktop size: "Warchild: In Between Dreams" by Economy Arts

I can't sleep. I had to admit to myself it's because I'm scared. . . Doctor tomorrow. Some of it's the carry over from the 3 chemo's, some of it's carry over from my little dog being in the hospital, and some of it is from the luxurious weight of a terrible life.
I'll go, I'm a fool like that. But I don't want to.
I'd rather lie back and remember and relive the past, not all of it but a lot of it. Those times when a miracle happened only because we needed it and when pain was something we couldn't remember and love was always inevitable. Even just the times when little dogs danced around you and insisted it was best for you that they follow you home.
I know how my body is feeling. I suspect what's going to happen.
Darn.
I'm happy and nearly me again . . . nearly.
Graduate, The X02 It was really a superb day today which makes my morbidity all the more annoying.
My house mate got the financial detail of her gig. It was pretty extraordinary. I mean like top one half percentile extraordinary.
If she has any doubts about worth left in her head, well if dollars and perks can build self esteem she should be feeling like a goddess.
We celebrated by being goofy and laughing at everything even if we couldn't think of a reason why it might be funny. We ate bean burritos and chinese noodles and laughed at them too.
Next Thursday we're going en masse, 8 of us I think, to an over priced restaurant just to see money flow away and to not care.
My job interview was pleasant enough. I don't want this job but I'll take it. It is not a wonderful job but I'll survive in it. It allows me enough time to coach the kids. I want to coach again but I want it to be children, the lost kids. While looking through my junk for letters of reference I found one from one of the European kids who went to the Olympics and went on to coach at a College in the South.
It wasn't eloquent or even simple and beautiful. It was blunt and hard edged. He was like that. He wrote the way he spoke and thought. I do that too so it made me smile.
I remembered it at the job interview. She was a feisty woman. I towered over her and she never backed down. I liked that. We spoke for about 15 minutes about the job and nearly an hour about her son and her life.
I thought that was all rather pleasant.
I'm to call her tomorrow, after the Doctor, to get the formal job offer.
I installed Tiger this evening and found some of the old art work people had done of me when I was younger and beautiful to see, at least when I moved - all power, speed and grace.
Tiger was interesting. I thought I'd killed my computer a few times. Now that's it's running I like it. It has prettiness. I remembered that yesterday a little girl came crashing through the yard. She was about 8 and she was walking her dog, Robin. She wanted me to know that Robin was not really her shelty, her shelty was Robin's brother, Korey.
Betty Davis - Dark Victory
Click images for desktop size: "Bette Davis In 'Dark Victory'"
She prattled at me for a bit and I never wanted it to end. I adore kids who are certain in their outlandish perceptions. I liked the vivid points where Korey was so clearly superior to Robin. I liked that she was able to prattle and be a kid.
I remember thinking about how sick it was that anyone could harm a child. They're not better than us but the point is they could be. They have enough to contend with with loving parents who don't comprehend them and inflict innocent cruelties upon them. That's enough for any child to contend with. That their are vultures out there who can imagine harming them, or see them as sexual or as sex objects no longer gets me enraged, it only makes me depressed, but not so depressed that I can't enjoy a lecture about dogs from a seven year old.
I have to leave for the Doc's in about 3 hours.
I'm going to try and take a nap.
My sleeplessness my have had one effect. The cats must have had a scheme in place to kill me tonight. They keep jumping up and staring at me, willing me to go up the stairs where they have, no doubt, a nefarious trap laid out. Well, not tonight feline demons!

June 2, 2005

All the little birdies on Jaybird Street
Bobby Day

Elfin
Click images for desktop size: "Elfin" by Pixel Girl
Everyday has it's adventures. I prefer the sort that involve other people . . . and an nice animal helps.
My housemate got a job offer today for the hot top pop position. It breaks up what was becoming my new familia but for the serious bread on the table you can only be happy. She seems to need validation from outside of herself so it's good in that way too.
There's still the formal offers, negotiations etc in front of her but it's just the final little twitches.
I want it to work out for her.
Needless to say momentous news like this created quite a stir and featured much running about.
In the midst of this I took Good Ol' Dog for a walk around the lake. What better way to celebrate anything than with a walk with a dog.
When we got to the lake/pond we saw a couple of people watching a Great Blue Heron. This was a different Heron then we saw before. I'm guessing this was a male and the previous one female. His colors were darker and more vibrant. He was yet again, even larger! I thought he was magnificent.
Honeymoon Killers, The Good Ol' Dog and I went to join the crowd. The Heron had a fish impaled on his beak! I was thinking how easy it would be to confuse an animal like this with something mythical and then I was wondering why the only myths and fables about them I could recall were about cranes being greedy or something.
When we got closer to the small crowd I could see what I thought was a fish was actually a fish that was entangled in one of those plastic ring can holder things.
The Heron keep trying to fling the fish away but it had gotten it's beak entangled in the plastic rings and no matter how hard it flung the fish away from it the rings wouldn't release, in fact they seemed to be tightening.
The bird was about a yard from shore so it was easy to examine. I asked a woman there how long the bird had been struggling like that and she said she'd been watching it for about 10 minutes . . .
I asked if anyone had called someone, like animal control or? No one answered.
This close it was pretty obvious the Heron was stressed. His colors were impressive. I don't know if birds can sweat but his head and neck looked mad, like a marathoner who is watching them stretch the finish line further and further away.
I thought about it and looked at my "companions".
I asked the woman if she'd mind holding Good Ol' Dog for a minute and then waded in. I had a flick knife someone I can't remember gave me in Paris. The bird looked at me but I think it was too tired from it's efforts to fly away. It let me grab the fish. My knife wasn't very sharp and I had to, like, saw through the plastic strands around his beak. He let me.
So there I was holding the dead still tied up fish when the Heron sort of attacked me. I dropped and lost my knife and I dropped the fish.
It was the fish he was after. He grabbed it and flew away. It looked cool but I was kind of irked about losing my knife. . . and when I walked back on to shore and got Good Ol' Dog I realized my shoes were kind of squelching . . . I think it would have been a better idea if I'd taken them off before going into the water.
1945 Dead Of Night We continued our walk with me making that creepy squishing noise. I did think it felt funny making noise and leaving a wet trail. We ran into an English Bulldog who called himself Chester.
I figure the two of them were talking about the big idjit with the noisy feet. They seemed to be laughing.
One of my housemates is home from the Ivy League for the summer. Tonight we watched a student TV show he starred in . . . It was awful in some ways but I liked it plenty. It had a line I want to add to my vocabulary: "You're like this cassette; nondescript and I have to push a button to play you!"
Tomorrow is a busy day. I have a promising job interview and more adventures to seek out.
I want to start getting serious in my workouts but my right elbow is still tricking out on me.
I was wondering if Heron's were one of those birds that stole shiny things and had a vague fantasy about him bringing me a shiny bauble of thanks for getting my shoes wet. But I don't think it will happen.

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