Click images for desktop size: "Warchild: In Between Dreams" by Economy Arts
I can't sleep. I had to admit to myself it's because I'm scared. . . Doctor tomorrow. Some of it's the carry over from the 3 chemo's, some of it's carry over from my little dog being in the hospital, and some of it is from the luxurious weight of a terrible life.
I'll go, I'm a fool like that. But I don't want to.
I'd rather lie back and remember and relive the past, not all of it but a lot of it. Those times when a miracle happened only because we needed it and when pain was something we couldn't remember and love was always inevitable. Even just the times when little dogs danced around you and insisted it was best for you that they follow you home.
I know how my body is feeling. I suspect what's going to happen.
Darn.
I'm happy and nearly me again . . . nearly.
It was really a superb day today which makes my morbidity all the more annoying.
My house mate got the financial detail of her gig. It was pretty extraordinary. I mean like top one half percentile extraordinary.
If she has any doubts about worth left in her head, well if dollars and perks can build self esteem she should be feeling like a goddess.
We celebrated by being goofy and laughing at everything even if we couldn't think of a reason why it might be funny. We ate bean burritos and chinese noodles and laughed at them too.
Next Thursday we're going en masse, 8 of us I think, to an over priced restaurant just to see money flow away and to not care.
My job interview was pleasant enough. I don't want this job but I'll take it. It is not a wonderful job but I'll survive in it. It allows me enough time to coach the kids. I want to coach again but I want it to be children, the lost kids. While looking through my junk for letters of reference I found one from one of the European kids who went to the Olympics and went on to coach at a College in the South.
It wasn't eloquent or even simple and beautiful. It was blunt and hard edged. He was like that. He wrote the way he spoke and thought. I do that too so it made me smile.
I remembered it at the job interview. She was a feisty woman. I towered over her and she never backed down. I liked that. We spoke for about 15 minutes about the job and nearly an hour about her son and her life.
I thought that was all rather pleasant.
I'm to call her tomorrow, after the Doctor, to get the formal job offer.
I installed Tiger this evening and found some of the old art work people had done of me when I was younger and beautiful to see, at least when I moved - all power, speed and grace.
Tiger was interesting. I thought I'd killed my computer a few times. Now that's it's running I like it. It has prettiness. I remembered that yesterday a little girl came crashing through the yard. She was about 8 and she was walking her dog, Robin. She wanted me to know that Robin was not really her shelty, her shelty was Robin's brother, Korey.

Click images for desktop size: "Bette Davis In 'Dark Victory'" She prattled at me for a bit and I never wanted it to end. I adore kids who are certain in their outlandish perceptions. I liked the vivid points where Korey was so clearly superior to Robin. I liked that she was able to prattle and be a kid.
I remember thinking about how sick it was that anyone could harm a child. They're not better than us but the point is they could be. They have enough to contend with with loving parents who don't comprehend them and inflict innocent cruelties upon them. That's enough for any child to contend with. That their are vultures out there who can imagine harming them, or see them as sexual or as sex objects no longer gets me enraged, it only makes me depressed, but not so depressed that I can't enjoy a lecture about dogs from a seven year old.
I have to leave for the Doc's in about 3 hours.
I'm going to try and take a nap.
My sleeplessness my have had one effect. The cats must have had a scheme in place to kill me tonight. They keep jumping up and staring at me, willing me to go up the stairs where they have, no doubt, a nefarious trap laid out. Well, not tonight feline demons!