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October 31, 2005

Happy Halloween!

Captive Wild Woman I feel tired. Too tired, but on the plus side of fatigue.
I find my self being short because I'm forgetting to separate people from the pain and lethargy.
I heard today, from one of my kids. He still thinks of me as a "great man". He just wanted to talk to me and tell me how much I'd meant to him and his life.
I was glad for him but really don't understand why he wanted to say this too me. What difference it made in his life to tell me this.
I'm only glad that he's alright and doing well.
He gave me some gossip and stories about some of the other kids. Nothing distressful in any major way, some small things but I accept that I build young men and women and part of that building means they learn to make their own decisions.
DigherupI'm only glad that their lives are such that decisions can be made and not thrust upon them.
It was busy at work.
What I liked was that so many people commented on my puppy. They all said they couldn't believe how big and beautiful she'd gotten.
I agree.
Still having problems shaping her personality. Part of that's my living situation. It's good but it's not just her and I. Things get in the way and mess with her little mind. Nothing bad happens to her spirit. If it did I'd have no choice but to move even if there were no place for us to go.
Bat2004 We had five trick or treaters at home. My puppy and I greeted them all.
She was fascinated and the children all dressed up and making spooky noises at us. It pleased me and saddened me for all the obvious reasons.
I really wish we'd gotten more kids. I should have put out a jack o'lantern. The kids brightened my heart and made my puppy smile.
We sat outside for a while trying to will more kids to show up!
Abbot & Costello Meet Frankenstein

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October 30, 2005

USC 55 Washington State 13
What did you do with your extra hour

Fumee Hw I was kind of sick.

Oddly enough even though my picks last week were better than the week's before I placed worst for the week and dropped for the season!
I placed 517th for the week. This pushed me down from 196th to 217th for the season. I have now written off getting the Season tickets prize . . .
I was up most of the night. These picks are still locked in. Home team listed first with my pick in

F(1931)-03-1 Arizona v Dallas - Denny Green is and has been the worst coach in the league. I think Parcells is the most over rated coach ever. This game is so who cares.

Detroit v Chicago The Bears Defense has the potential to be all time great. Jeff Garcia has never been a winner.

Houston v Cleveland Cruddy game of the week. I pick the Browns only because I can't pick a winless team.

Cincinnati v Green Bay The Packers have been relying on Favre for too many years. Palmer is the real deal.

St Louis v Jacksonville Rams in disarray, I think they might win.

Carolina v Minnesota The Vikings are terrible. Tice is grateful that Denny Green is around as he's another guy who knows little about coaching.

Tennessee v Oakland This might be the worst week of the NFL schedule. Oakland has enough talent, even with the early return of McNair.

New York Giants v Washington These guys actually liked Mara. The defense will play so far over it's head it is frightening.

San Diego v Kansas City My personal pick for game of the day, even though the return of Ted Bruschi is high drama. Tomlinson won't be shut out two weeks in a row. Holmes and Johnson are a force. It will be great.

New Orleans v Miami The brilliant job of Hasslett and the Saints standing firm in their resolve keeps this from being a cruddy game of the week winner.

Denver v Philadelphia McNabb is a great QB but no one can be great with a sports hernia, not week in and week out. I don't much like the Broncos but have to pick them.

San Francisco v Tampa Bay Another cruddy game contender. This one has the amusement of over rated QB Chris Simms playing in a creepy system.

New England v Buffalo I debate with myself whether Bruschi should be allowed to play. The only pro argument is I love watching him play. Buffalo got arrogant when they dumped Bledsoe for the unproven rookie.

New Wonder Woman I'm rather surprised at how big a deal Halloween is. I got invited to one party that I'm not attending. I'm hoping we get lots of little kids knocking on the door. I bought a bag of White Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups to pass out.
I hope the kids show up and I get pictures of them with my astonished puppy.
Before I got sick I went to the Pop Warner Championships. It was cute. So badly attended no one stopped me from watching with two dogs! The local team won the Championship. I'm considering coaching them next season but plan to look around to see if they're are kids not of Championship quality who could use a hand.

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October 27, 2005

Always on the path to Recovery

Fille Painter4 1024X768 I'm a bit under the weather. Feeling old and tired. Nothing serious but, yesterday. they took blood and it wears me out more than I care to admit.
I didn't miss work, slept a lot and woke up too early.
I'm terribly sorry that the World Series is over.
I thought it was a great series and it's regretful it will only be known as the one where the Astro's got swept.
They played to the best standards and to the best of their abilities. They got out managed and outplayed, but it was still exciting and dramatic in the best possible way.

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October 25, 2005


Rebooted Semisimple 1600
Click images for desktop size: "Rebooted: Semi-Simple" by J3Concepts
I thought about a story I written but never finished.
It's about a young cop looking to get famous by catching a notorious nasty serial killer. It starts in the more distant reaches of the Malibu Hills. The young cop is sitting on the ground, his gun in his hand. He is bleeding to death, his jugular has been ripped open. He does his best to staunch the blood but when he moves his hand it spurts in livid purple arcs against the clean blue morning sky.
Someway from him is the corpse of the serial killer.
The cop knows he is going to die. He's been held prisoner by the serial killer. No one knows where he is. He's going to die.
Cherry Hill High (1976)There'll be no one to hear his last words. No one to act foolish. No one to try and control their emotions. No one being tough and trying to be humorous.
He's going to die, slowly and all alone. He can't decide if this is the worst of deaths or the best of them.
It doesn't matter. Really. He's going to die.
The story continued with him remembering his life. the way he ended up here. I like cliché's. After a brief memory of his childhood and adolescence and his first love we get to an argument with his wife. An argument that describes virility as the amount of money in your paycheck.
It's that argument that causes him to meet an incredibly wealthy 127 year old woman. She grew up in the west. She was a whore, the best whore in New Orleans. She went through a series of wealthy men and used her money to at first, preserve her beauty, and then and now to try and keep her alive.
She gives the young cop the bounty to bring in the serial killer. Making a promise she can keep in both money and political favors.
From there the story just went out of control.

What made me remember the story was finding out that the little kitten my puppy found didn't make it through the night. The vet didn't charge me anything but I paid for a proper cremation. It felt only right.
The same way I knew I didn't want a little thing to die alone, frightened and cold I knew I didn't want it thrown into a ceremonial pile to be dust and scattered with strangers.
I don't like things dying.

Flying Fish
Click images for desktop size: "Flying Fish" by Thomas Roemfeld

The World Series is on. My puppy is sleeping on my bed. This pleases me. Roy Oswalt is a fascinating pitcher. I think he's brilliant. He struck out the first man he faced and it was a beautiful, masterful pitch that got the job done.
I don't have to work tomorrow but I have to go back to the clinic. I hate it but I have to go.
I'm hoping to be done in time to take my puppy to therapy dog class. She hates it there in direct proportion to how well she's doing. She hates being good.
I've decided that I get serious in my new job search right before Thanksgiving.

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October 24, 2005

Fear itself

California Redwoods It's been a memorable day.
The World Series has been a thing of magnificence. Thrilling and poetic in it's display of determination.

I couldn't sleep well last night. In and out of death like slumber. Pain was bad. Two more of my teeth seem lose. They hurt but the idea of losing two more teeth really horrifies me.
The doctors don't care about it much, but I do.
I went to the clinic today and got the word that this is just a normal part of the treatment. I gather I should feel like I did last night MOST of the time. That I don't indicates . . . nothing, I guess.
Pain makes loneliness acute.
Slapshot(1977)-01When we came back from the clinic my puppy started whining and leading me over to a corner of the lot where I work.
My puppy had found a 5 week old kitten. A gray tabby with a white rear leg, it appeared shocky and uncertain.
My puppy didn't touch it but danced around at it in a puppy welcome dance.
She was very concerned when I picked the little thing up and put it in a box. I shredded up some newspaper to get it warm, gave it some milk and some thinned out dog food.
Then I had to figure out what to do with it.
I took it to my puppy's vet. They're kind but they're a business. I'm dreading what I'll have to pay. What ever it is, I can't afford it, but it will be okay.
I couldn't let an animal die in the cold and alone. At least now it will know someone is trying to safe it. It will be warm on this storm rift night.
I'm getting fat, so there's plenty of things I want but don't need.
there's a terrible storm breaking here. It feels dark and wintry out there.
It makes me feel vulnerable, tired and old. It makes my puppy excited and playful. There might be a message there but I'm too sleepy to figure it out.

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October 23, 2005

There's nothing quite like the World Series

Click images for desktop size: "Women Athletes: Threat or Menace?"
Game one was everything I could have wanted. Strategy, big plays, gritty defense and a refusal to quit.
All on the biggest stage in the world.
I loved the guy giving props to Venezuela!

With the World Series on it always nearly makes the NFL seem trivial. Baseball can do that.

In the contest I'm in my picks last week were good for 8-5 which put me at 428 for the week! Which is better than the 945th place I snatched last week but . . . The score dropped me from 170th down to 196th for the season.
I don't think I'm going to win the SuperBowl tickets this way . . .

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers
With that caveat here are my picks for today. Oh, I had Kansas City as a winner already. I like Acts of God affecting sporting events. Home teams are listed first and my pick is Bold.

Cleveland vs Detroit The Lions receivers are to good, the defense playing over their heads. If Marruci sits Harrington down this is an easy win.

Minnesota vs Green Bay Favre is a man on a mission to not be embarrassed. That makes him twice as dangerous. Tice has ruined Culpepper (one of my fave QB's)

Houston vs Indianapolis This game almost seems cruel.

St Louis vs New Orleans Haslett is my pick for Coach Of The Year. That' he's kept this team competitive in the face of the Katrina disaster is incredible. Rams have no Martz and no Bulger. Personnel and destiny decide this one.

Cincinnati vs Pittsburgh My game of the week. I can't go against Palmer and Morton.

Philadelphia vs San Diego Tomlinson is rapidly proving himself to be one of the all time greats. But I have to take the Eagles. They're coming off a bye week, coming off angry after the Dallas fiasco. Chargers have the worst schedule in the league this year in terms of traveling and playing teams coming off the bye. Another interesting game.

Washington vs San Francisco Remember when these two teams were memorable? Washington needs a patsy after the past two weeks.

Lucio Parrillo Thehulk
Click images for desktop size: "The Hulk" by Lucio Parillo
Seattle vs Dallas No Jones for the Cowboys makes this a lock.

Chicago vs Baltimore Cruddy game of the week, unless you like defense. This game could end 2-0

Oakland vs Buffalo Cruddy game contender.

New York Giants vs Denver Close pick here, going with the home team. Denver could blow them out though.

Arizona vs Tennessee I love Steve McNair but Volek is starting today.

During the games I plan to take pictures of my puppy.

October 22, 2005

Its just licks off of records that I've learned
Martin Mull

Click images for desktop size: "Dimaggio-Smoothest Of Them All"
The World Series: It's the time when fact, fiction and legends all blend into one constant now. It's just the smallest beauty of baseball.
I would have loved to tell people that I took the Rocket downtown in Game 1 of the series.
This years series has all the potential to be wonderful. Great pitchers, sound fundamentals, power in reserve and smart managers trying to move their millionaire kids around the field.
I love that this series is so international.
I think it really always was.

Whateverhappenedtobabyjane(1960) Today was a day that revolved around music it seemed.
The kid, Pat, has been pestering me in the nicest way. He wants a song or two. He wants to see the magic. I keep stalling him off. I mean he doesn't know who Sam Cooke or Gene Vincent are! I think I've come up with a song for his band, something that will fit their talent and not embarrass me completely . . .
He wants me to come play with them at some college club next Saturday. That takes some serious thought, but I left it the way I feel - maybe.
After talking to him I spent the rest of the day and the bus ride home thinking about rhythm and lyrics and pounding beats. I thought about so many great songs I've heard and how even the bad ones, the stupid ones could sometimes come out of the car radio or the stereo or out the window of a house in your neighborhood and for a moment that song changed the world around you in ways that a 99 cent track shouldn't be able to. It does because that's the magic.

On the bus ride home, as I neared my house I saw something enchanting. About 60 teenaged girls, all in black short skirts with white velour trim and black and white pom poms. they stood in an impossible line and twisted and pranced as they rehearsed.
Then I saw the Stadium behind them was nearly full. It was a battle of the bands, all the high school marching bands in the area were there to strut their stuff and show off their routines!
Chargers Steelers Mnf
Click images for desktop size: "Chargers-Steelers" by CWC
I ran home and got the puppy and under cloudy skies we stood on our hill and tried to figure out if they were just marching around or if the bands were trying to make a picture or spell something.
The flag girls , the cheerleaders and the bands and my puppy who could have cared less all took me out of myself for a moment and for one of the few times I felt good and complete within myself.
You could hear the music in my back yard. They played until after dark!
We only stayed for a while as there is only so much pomp and circumstance and hundreds of drums even I can take.

The fellow came to fix the cable. I fought with the cable company and got a concession of over 60 bucks credit!
His repair work helped a bit but not completely. As soon as football season ends I intend to cancel the cable and just have the broadband internet.
I've also done something I hope I don't regret. I'm trying that Vonage broadband phone company. The price is right and I can call Europe for FREE! And Puerto Rico . . . I don't know anyone in Puerto Rico, but this is a reason to get to know someone in Puerto Rico!

October 21, 2005


Just-A-Little-Bit 1024
Click images for desktop size: "Just A Little Bit"
I found a walnut that had fallen from a tree.
When I peeled it open to inspect it the juice got on my hands. The juice is a dark brown stain that washing won't take away.

Up and down day today.
I keep remembering just 6 months ago when I was terrified of being homelss and of starving and worried about the health of my little dog.
It sounds stupid because it is stupid that as hellish as things were then I enjoyed life a bit more then. Everyt second seemed precious and worth clinging on to.
Now I have a place to live that I like but I'm not living alone. I have a puppy who cheers me with her every breath and her every bad joke. I have food.

October 20, 2005

Whatever the majority decides will usually turn out to be wrong.
Henrik Ibsen

Patriot Harley Today I fought with Windows.
I don't do my stuff on Windows. I find that OS to be crass foolish and ugly. Like most people I have to use it at work.
On Tuesday it got infected with malware. As the whole business runs off an internet based network running an app through a browser this was pretty serious.
As the malware came via a PowerPoint joke sent out by the execs I find it all pretty funny.
What isn't funny is the arrogance and stupidity of this system, Windows XP is horrific!
I ran the latest spyware bashers, between the 2 (AdAware and Seek and Destroy) they removed 1200 malignant files. Norton (why is a business running a mediocre consumer based app?) found NONE!
Unfortunately removing those 1200 files did not remove the corruption are stop the browser hijacking.
Screamblaculascream(1973)-01To my growing amusement I discovered the script and the app that created the problem.
Here is where Windows and everyone who uses it should be considered insane.
This script, from a third party with no passwords or administrative rights, not only wrote to the root of the system but turned off the worthless Windows Fire Wall. Turned off the asinine IE pop up blocker. Changed permissions on all the files it wanted and stashed itself and it's constantly rewritten dll files in the system32 folder . . .
In no other computer system in the world is such a thing possible except Windows.
I did spend a bit of time wondering who would have their system hijacked like this and then turn around and enjoy the ads or ever buy any of the products . . .
I tried to use the irresponsibly foolish system restore. The malware wouldn't allow it (system permissions - see?)
When I was finally able to track down the offending executables I couldn't delete them as they were running processes . . . WHAT? I couldn't stop them either with task manager or in DOS.
I had to reboot into safe mode command line and delete them that way, only to discover that the executable renamed itself at each reboot.
This is not a brilliant or even clever hack, this is the stupidity of the people who designed Windows and the sheep mentality of the people who use it.
I was able to track and delete the files.
See, you could never do this on Linux, or FreeBSD or, Mac or Zeos. Only Windows would sell something this foolishly contrived.
On any other OS this is impossible. It could never happen even if the user tried to make it happen. For a vb script hidden in a file to do this much damage is impossible . . . except on Windows.
Delamare Sleepingmermaids
Click images for desktop size: "Sleeping Mermaids" by Delamare
I think that Windows is the ugliest OS ever. Linux's various desktops aren't much prettier and some are even worse, but the way Linux works is elegant.
Linux gives you the source code so that if you don't like the way something works all you have to do is change it. You might have to learn a little bit of harmless stuff but you can make any application Linux runs yours . . . personal.
I've disliked Windows since 1.0, back on a 286. Now I've first hand experience at what a crass worthless OS it is.

My puppy is okay.
When we're together, just her and I we're happy and have nothing but too much fun.
When other people come around she begins to stress. She likes people but in small doses. She doesn't like them to talk to or stand too near me.
That's partially the breed, partially her little heart trying to grow up.

October 19, 2005

There's a flock of buzzards circling above me

Hopper Edward Adobes And Shed New Mexico
Click images for desktop size: "Adobe And Shed-New Mexico" by Edward Hooper
The buzzards are large ugly black birds.
They look so much unlike the proud hawks I saw yesterday.
Yesterday and today a full moon hung heavy in the bright blue southern sky.
It's things like this that tell me, when the only thing leading you is a disease and inertia, the only place you'll end up is in hell.
that's what my life and you might wonder why I fight to protect it, to keep it.

Once upon a time there was a cartoonist named Jules Feiffer. He was cool, beatnik cool, hippie cool, and important. His jokes were as popular as Peanuts back then, and he even appeared every month in Playboy.
He wrote a great line: “I knew I'd never get big enough to beat everybody in the world up, so my dream was to get rich enough to buy everything and then fire everybody.

2001M(2005)-02He drew a cartoon I remember. He had this multiple line scratchy style. He'd drawn a Diner counterman in the hat and apron. It was a rough looking guy. This Diner Man leaned against the counter and said to an unseen customer.
”I worked as a cowboy in Montant. Jacked logs and trees up in Oregon. Did a stint as a stunt double on some bad movie down in Mexico.“
”I was a roadie for the Stones in New York and PA. Then I drifted down to Miami where I worked on a tuna boat for a spell. Got busted for vagrancy in New Orleans and spent 90 days in the Parish lock up.“
”I told this all to some guy from New York. He gave me a ten thousand dollar advance to write a book.“
I used the money to make a down payement on this diner.”
Sometimes at night I know that they're out there looking for me.“

I get upset with myself for not keeping my commitment to myself and record every day.
The only promises you have to keep are the ones you make to yourself.
If you can't keep those you'll never keep any others.

October 16, 2005

USC 34 - Notre Dame 31
The crystal is cracked
There's blood splattered on the wall
Roger McGuinn

Anime Art Wall 080
Click images for desktop size: "Gundam"
The USC - Notre Dame game was good despite the hype, despite the supposition that SC would lose. Despite all of that it came down to young men playing for the honor of their schools, their own self image and for the sheer exuberant fun.
They all played with admirable skill, intensity and heart.

I still hate those green jerseys.

My high school played on Friday and won 13-10. It was also good for exactly the same reasons. It was a little better because I got to be there and got asked for advice on the sidelines. I'm not coaching yet , just getting to know the players and getting ready for spring ball.

Girls In Prison I also have a commitment to help out this kid with the band. He let me use his gear so I owe him at least that much. They just play that dinosaur “Classic” rock style that I have no feeling for.
I'll have to figure something out.

When I grow up I wanted to be Roger Clemens. I was in Boston the night Clemens threw 22 K's. He was incredible then and he remains incredible now.
I want an Astro's-White Sox World Series, then I won't care who wins. I just think that will be the most fun to watch.

And on to the NFL . . .
Last week I was 7-6 and finished 945th in the contest. This dropped me from 93rd for the season all the way down to 170th.
I don't even remember what the prizes are . . .
WIth that ringing endorsement here are my picks for this week. Home teams listed first and my picks in bold.

New Orleans - Atlanta Deuce's loss hurts the Saints more than the Loss of Vick hurts the Birds.

Detroit - Carolina The lion's receivers are too good. Carolina can pressure Herrington but they've looked poor since their win over the Pats. The game I want to see.

Tennessee - Cincinnati Carson will rule today. I expect BIG numbers from him. It's sad seeing the brilliant Steve McNair saddled with this team.

Baltimore - Cleveland The ravens looked devastated last week. They have too much pride to play that poorly 2 weeks in a row.

Pittsburgh - Jacksonville The game of the week. Maddox is a better than good back up. Leftowitz is not great yet. They could win but I expect the defense to step up with Big Ben on the side lines.

Bache Otto A Spaniel And A
Click images for desktop size: "A Spaniel And A Pug" by Otto Bache
Tampa Bay - Miami Ricky Williams returns. I expect little from him today. I knew Ditka was out of it when he gave away the Saints future to get him. This promises to be a not very entertaining match.

Chicago - Minnesota Cruddy game of the week contender, except the Bears defense is showing signs of beauty.

Dallas - Giants Manning can come of age, Bledsoe will come crashing to earth.

Kansas City - Washington Redskins defense will make this interesting.

Denver - New England Patriot pride and the greatness of Tom Brady make me pick them.

Buffalo - Jets I don't think that pro athletes can keep that beautiful emotion flowing two weeks in a row.

Oakland - San Diego Tomlinson keeps up his attack on the Hall of Fame. Brees makes Philip Rivers trade bait.

Seattle - Houston The other cruddy game of the week contender.

October 12, 2005

"Good natured brawls were a necessity"
Hercules and the Captive Women

Arizona Landscape
Click images for desktop size: "Arizona Landscape"
I went for coffee and looking through the window of the cafe the grass outside was stripped in different shades of green with an occasional swatch of red and dull purple.
I lifted my dark glasses and saw it was just a trick of the polarized lenses and the glass coating. I was disappointed. I prefer my vision to reality, I guess.

Way back in the hey day of punk  my gal pal in New York used to mail me this odd little xerox weekly newsletter.
This guy, Mike Wheldon, was bored at his job so he would go through the TV Guide and find what he called “Psychotronic” movies on TV. He's then write up his “Psychotronic TV Guide” with some simple enthusiastic reviews, xerox them on the company dime and pass them out around Times Square.
My gal pal worked at Strand Books and got two copies every week.
Goldfinger(1964)-02(Door-Panels)Wheldon lost his job.
I like “psychotronic” films. It surprises some people. I don't know why. The same people who are surprised that I think Cliff Gallup might well be the greatest guitarist who ever lived.
This week I picked up a copy of “50 Science Fiction Classics”.
It's a 12 DVD set with 4 to 6 movies per disc. Some of the films look like dupes from old VHS tapes.
No right thinking man would ever consider any of these films classic . . . klassik maybe. I think the sets great.
When I was a kid, my mother got divorced. She worked at a drive in up in Speulveda and I sometimes got baby sat by sitting at the patio snack bar and watching cool AIP double features. And the odd Chip 'n Dale cartoon, who I was fond of at the time.
When she got remarried I would get dumped at movie theaters by myself. The Star Lite in Westchester was a favorite.
They had the ceiling decorated so that when you looked up it twinkled at you like the night sky.
On Saturdays they showed a kids matinee - 25cents admission to see 10 cartoon, 3-3 Stooges flics and some cheapo Sci-Fi monster film.
I can't remember many of the names or the plots but I remember all the monsters and some of the scenes.
This pack is like a huge step into that past. Somehow they classify a half dozen Hercules and SOn Of Hercules films as Sci-Fi. They also load Gamera into that mix. It's all cool by me.
They even had the incredibly rare “Teenagers From Outer Space and Robot Monster.” Two incredibly bad movies that made an indelible impression on me when I was a kid.
Cartoons016 I guess it was the first time I ever heard themes of self sacrifice and commitment so in-eloquently put.
These films, cheesy and cheap and badly made are still precious to me. I adore seeing them again. Even when the films drag I find myself thinking about the passion of the 20 year olds who were trying to put these things together, whomade these ludicrous films.
The energy they expended for a vision.
Maybe the box office returns and the end products show they really didn't merit the support they didn't get, but I stills ee them as clear eyed and loaded with enthusiasm, getting their girl friends and buds from school and the local hang outs to put on silly costumes and utter ludicrous lines in the world's most “indicating” style.
They lack gravitas, maybe, but they had a dream.
I applaud dreams, especially when a dream is all you have.

I still love my dog.
My health is still up and down.
I had the day off and want more of them.
I'm very worried about USC-Notre Dame this Saturday.

October 10, 2005

It's another day older

Click images for desktop size: "Double Life" by Jace Kyerka
After the NFL games my picks proved to be 7-6.
Five hundred is the epitome of mediocrity. Funny thing is that even the games I lost I enjoyed. They were beautiful.
This is the spotlight time in the NFL. The teams have settled in. They've learned to trust each other, to respond to each other.
There was so much beauty this Sunday it was heartbreaking.
Tom Brady willing his Patriots to a victory.
Carson Palmer trying to lead his Bengals.
I was wrong about Testeverde and the Jets. Who could have imagined that the Jet defense would rise up and play with a brilliant intensity. It was remarkable. As was the way Vinnie led the offense. He played horribly but he stood as an unflinching symbol who came to be a part of a team.
Will it continue. If it does it would be miraculous and beautiful.
Chrome And Hot Leather (1971)And in baseball, watching Roger Clemens, a legend, and the only man currently in baseball with nothing to prove, coming out on two days rest to win the marathon game of games.

And some people will look at me and say, “I'm not into sports. I'm intelligent,” or permutations of that.
They don't comprehend the glory of opera and music is merely an adjunct to the spectacle of sports.
Me, I love them all and I'm glad for them all.

I'm still feeling - - - “unwell” - - - which is survivable.
My puppy has been growing more and more beautiful and more and more patient. Today, at work, a couple who had a terurvian and a german shepherd came in. They were amazed at how calm my puppy was, calm and protective.
I'm glad that she's also a nut.

I want a holiday. I want to just lounge with my puppy for a full weekend.
I want a lot of things but i have most of what I need.

October 9, 2005

My NFL Picks

Anotherside Ofthebabe
Click images for desktop size: "Another Side Of The Babe"
Last week my picks were so mediocre that, in the contest I'm in, I finished 46th for the week but somehow raised myself up from 224th for the season to 93rd . . . I have no concept of how that happened, or what it means.
Except I still don't get a prize . . .

Home teams listed first. My pick BOLD.

Detroit v Baltimore -  I like the Lions receiver corps but Harrington is unreliable, even with his “bad call game winning touchdown” denied last week, his numbers are pure choke. The Lions are tough at home but the Raven D will come in angry.

Cleveland v Chicago - The cruddy game of the week.

Buffalo v Miami - The Bills bringing in Holcomb gives this game a bit more interest. He can shred the Dolphin's secondary.

Atlanta v New England - Two wounded teams. Vick is a huge loss for Atlanta, Pat's are going to miss Seymour. It's a game of reserves. Great running game from Falcons can be shut down without the Vick threat.

Green Bay v New Orleans - I can't believe this pick. GO SAINTS.

St Louis v Seattle - Going with Seattle for the revenge factor. Runner up cruddy game of the week saved by either teams ability to implode or explode at will.

New York Jets v Tampa Bay - Vinnie is back and Tampa Bay is laughing.

Houston v Tennessee -  I like Carr but, so far this season, he looks shell shocked.

San Francisco v Indianapolis - This is a college game spread. A number one thrown into face a juggernaut.

Arizona v Carolina - Denny Green is a terrible coach.

Dallas v Philadelphia - Parcell is so 20th century.

Denver v Washington - Gibb's mirrors get broken at Mile High.

Jacksonville v Cincinnati - The game of the week! And it's on ESPN! Only problem is switching between this game and the Yankees-Angels game!.

October 8, 2005

USC 42 Arizona 21

Magnifique Copy
Click images for desktop size: "Magnifique"
At the start of the year it looked like Southern Cal had a pretty easy path, now over half of our opponents are nationally ranked.
I like that. It makes for tense games but Victory means nothing unless it's against the best that they have to offer.
It's a long season. It's the test for excellence.
The Men Of Troy should be proud whatever happens.

I haven't been posting.
It's because all I feel is negative rage and unfair criticism.
Who needs to hear that.

Picking on people is the easiest nastiest thing to do.
Analyzing them  . . . it's foolish.
study the most beautiful woman in the world with a microscope and all you'll see are skin mites and craggy pores.
I resent it when people do that to me and use the knowledge that they do that in my attitude towards them.
That I'm doing it annoys me.

My body is falling apart.
It would be superhuman if that weren't affecting my attitude.
Two days ago I sat quietly at work, I sighed and two of my back teeth just fell out.
It's a side effect of the oral chemo they tell me.
It depresses me more than I care to admit. I don't have the space to be depressed. I don't feel the need to waste time staying depressed.
The weather hasn't been helpful to that end. Solid rain for nearly 3 days.
Saving grace has been a friend and my black puppy.
they make me realize the world doesn't revolve around me. They give me responsibilities. They make me see potential.
Then, of course, yesterday the high school team I'm going to assistant coach next spring lost to a team that had never beaten them. Lost handily 34-10.
I worry about the kids who lost but losing may not build character, it does force perspective.

It's funny 6 months ago I was eating a box of 29 cent macaroni and cheese a day. grieving the loss of my little dog and desperately searching for work.
All I wanted was enough to eke out survival.
I have that now and it makes me want more.
I am just an American after all.
I got a DivX video player. It pleases me. I love movies. Almost all movies. Now I can watch those obscure gooney films I adore, the ones you can never find but can swap and download for on the internet. That's coolness to me.
I swapped Kwaidan for The Sadist. That pleased me and took me out of myself for a good 30 or 40 minutes.
The movie took me out even longer.
Click images for desktop size: "Sarita's Jeans" by Duane Cohen
So that's all there is right now.
Just a man staring at his own mortality and hating the world for making him realize he's just a mortal man after all.
Not pretty.
I wish it weren't real. But it is.
As real as puppy breath, and soiled floors.
As real as love and ugliness.
“Why was I not made of stone like thee?”

October 2, 2005

We're all looking for a life worth living
~Uncle Tupelo

Hopper Edward Hotel By A Railroad-1
Click images for desktop size: "Hotel By A Railroad" by Edward Hopper
My NFL picks turned out to be incredibly dreary, although the games were not. I still like the way football has evolved.
It's adjusted to societal pressures and mores and become a faster more intricate more creative game.
But my picks were astonishingly ordinary.
I found myself thinking clearly about Michael Mann's debut flic, "Thief".
When it came out it looked like here was a serious talent, one who might pick up where Karl Reiz and Jimmy Toback had failed.
Instead Mann gave us "Miami Vice."
It doesn't change how impressive "Thief" was. It starred Jimmy Caan, back before he became a parody of himself, as a middle aged high tech, high powered thief.
He pulls down major scores and gets so rich he has to start business, bars, car lots, the gamut.
He is a superb thief. But he's human and he has human cravings with out the human needs.
He constructs a life for himself. he picks Tuesday Weld to be his mate. They adopt a child. They buy a luxury house.
Sflv(2005)-08Unfortunately he's done this and brought himself to the attention of the mobs and the cops. They threaten to take control of his life from him.
It's his mode of remaining what he is, his determination to keep his self image that makes the film powerful and have meaning.
He gives Tuesday Weld the baby and a million in cash and throws her out. He then blows up the house.
He proceeds to burn down his businesses and to blow up all the cars on his car lot.
Then he goes and coldly and without rage or anger and he kills all those people he has had contact with, people who threatened to transform his perception of self.
The movie ends with him walking away. Bashed up, empty, with nothing but himself.
That's enough.

I go into depth about the little film because I realized that is the way I feel.
I've been told to ignore it. It's the psychological side effect to the treatment. The warning I find so amusing.
I've felt this way before. Without drugs.
Always when I'm around people who want to remake me, who don't accept me for who I am. Who want me to be their image of me.
That never works.
I've been warned to not make any serious decisions until my blood has stopped burbuling or whatever it is it's doing.

I took my puppy to the Blessing of the Animals today.
It was sweet.
I felt to wretched to even shower today, so I wore a cap which always makes me look like a serial killer - but a serial killer with a painfully cute puppy.
Click images for desktop size: "Work"
It was a touching ceremony. I'm always so stupidly proud when my puppy behaves in a good and positive way.
She reinforces the parts of me that I recognize. She makes it clear she'd be happy if the world were just me, her and maybe a few puppy playmates, but only a few.

Groucho Marx was born today.
I always like to acknowledge the positive effects Groucho, Chico, Harpo, Moe, Larry and Curly have had on my life and the world.

My NFL Picks for today

09-27 Golden Bomb If you gamble and you agree with too many of these . . .
My Picks in BOLD. Home team listed first.

New Orleans - Buffalo

Jacksonville - Denver
This is a real pick 'em. Most interesting game of the day, I think.

Tampa Bay - Detroit
Lions still have the Road Show blues

Cincinnati - Houston
Palmer is a winner. Winning is a hard habit to break. Carr looks shell shocked.

Tennessee - Indianapolis

New England - San Diego
The game with the hype. Will be entertaining. Tomlinson is beautiful.

Washington - Seattle A rough call actually.

New York Giants - St Louis
Has Eli matured?

Baltimore - New York Jets
The return of Vinnie?

Oakland - Dallas
Raiders are due. Parcells is not a genius.

Atlanta - Minnesota
Forget personal feelings on this one. Uzedee out for the Vikings.

Kansas City - Philadelphia
Should win doesn't mean they will. Two banged up QB's.

Arizona - San Francisco
First game not played in the USA and it's a total dog. Who cares who wins?


October 1, 2005

USC 38 ASU 28
No man need be ashamed of being beaten by Shane

Lotus Wallpaper 1152 Today I realized that the happiest I've been in recent years was wandering through the desert nights with my little dog, Ethel.
We had no money.
But I had enough dog food even if I didn't have any food.
Puppies and kids don't understand hunger, at least they shouldn't.
We got to walk around and my little dog showed me things. It was just the two of us and no one judged us, or if they did we didn't care.
Ethel died from heart worm. Her heart had been too damaged before she found me for me to fix it. I failed her, but I tried my best. That's the only consolation I had. When it comes to friends and loved ones dying and you keep right on living, it's the only consolation you have. A blanket in a blizzard, but all you've got.
They found the heart worm damage when I took my little dog in to be spayed.
Thursday I have to take my little puppy in to be spayed. I'm pretty solid but that bothers me. I have to keep reminding myself its for her health and benefit.
Dr.Black Mr.Hyde Today was a day of too many tired old wars.
I felt close to chucking it all in and becoming a bum. Walking the railroad tracks with my puppy and a backpack sounded pretty good.
None of them were my wars.
I keep wondering why I was being asked to fight them.
It was sad. I had to talk to an old friend.
I had another woman tell me too many details about her daughter and her going into treatment.
My boss came in and had a small meltdown. She told me about her son in prison for serious drug dealing, and how she felt going to prison saved his life.
Then a woman told me about her son killed in a racist attack.
I remembered my old friend in the military. We got along well. He understood me in some ways and didn't get me at all in others. We were terrors. He thought I was a modern Jack Kerouac. That statement still makes me smile.
He also thought I was like Josie Wales - a character from a Clint Eastwood movie.
I never think it's good to be compared to characters in movies or books. He just thought that no matter how much I wanted to just be left alone I kept finding people and dogs.
He thought it was voluntary, at least on my part. Maybe it was.
Today I got called a hypocrite. I guess becasue as much as I hate racism, I still live on it a world where it exists, and, yeah, I have stopped fighting it.
I dated a politician once. She was white but represented a primarily black district.
One night she went off on a rant about how blacks and Pakastanis had it so good where they were and they should stop wanting to be equal . . .
Yeah. I used to be a fighter.
It bothered me being called a name. Used to be it wouldn't. The only thing that mattered to me was how I saw myself. I knew what I was.
I guess I no longer do know what I am.
Then another woman came in and told me of her miscarriage.
I'm glad I have a dog.
051001190524 4-1
And in the face of numerous bills for moving in, all which I dispute, the internet connection is down. Back to stealing bandwidth from the neighbors . . .