Today I realized that the happiest I've been in recent years was wandering through the desert nights with my little dog, Ethel.
We had no money.
But I had enough dog food even if I didn't have any food.
Puppies and kids don't understand hunger, at least they shouldn't.
We got to walk around and my little dog showed me things. It was just the two of us and no one judged us, or if they did we didn't care.
Ethel died from heart worm. Her heart had been too damaged before she found me for me to fix it. I failed her, but I tried my best. That's the only consolation I had. When it comes to friends and loved ones dying and you keep right on living, it's the only consolation you have. A blanket in a blizzard, but all you've got.
They found the heart worm damage when I took my little dog in to be spayed.
Thursday I have to take my little puppy in to be spayed. I'm pretty solid but that bothers me. I have to keep reminding myself its for her health and benefit.
Today was a day of too many tired old wars.
I felt close to chucking it all in and becoming a bum. Walking the railroad tracks with my puppy and a backpack sounded pretty good.
None of them were my wars.
I keep wondering why I was being asked to fight them.
It was sad. I had to talk to an old friend.
I had another woman tell me too many details about her daughter and her going into treatment.
My boss came in and had a small meltdown. She told me about her son in prison for serious drug dealing, and how she felt going to prison saved his life.
Then a woman told me about her son killed in a racist attack.
I remembered my old friend in the military. We got along well. He understood me in some ways and didn't get me at all in others. We were terrors. He thought I was a modern Jack Kerouac. That statement still makes me smile.
He also thought I was like Josie Wales - a character from a Clint Eastwood movie.
I never think it's good to be compared to characters in movies or books. He just thought that no matter how much I wanted to just be left alone I kept finding people and dogs.
He thought it was voluntary, at least on my part. Maybe it was.
Today I got called a hypocrite. I guess becasue as much as I hate racism, I still live on it a world where it exists, and, yeah, I have stopped fighting it.
I dated a politician once. She was white but represented a primarily black district.
One night she went off on a rant about how blacks and Pakastanis had it so good where they were and they should stop wanting to be equal . . .
Yeah. I used to be a fighter.
It bothered me being called a name. Used to be it wouldn't. The only thing that mattered to me was how I saw myself. I knew what I was.
I guess I no longer do know what I am.
Then another woman came in and told me of her miscarriage.
I'm glad I have a dog.

And in the face of numerous bills for moving in, all which I dispute, the internet connection is down. Back to stealing bandwidth from the neighbors . . .

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