The little black puppy I took to the shelter was put down.

She was my friend and she trusted me. It took a lot for her to get to trust me and I feel like I let her down.
I'm angry that my stupid job kept me from checking up on her like I should have.

It looked like she had a home but a trip to the vet showed she had a lot of little treatable diseases and one that probably wasn't: heart worm.

They put her to sleep.

I'm mad at the shelter because they could have called me. I'd have taken the little dog home, treatable or untreatable she'd have known she had a friend who'd stand by here and friends to play with. She'd have known she was loved.

I'm mad at myself because I'm old and sick. I know that I should have just gone over and punched my neighbor in the face, taken the dog and just stayed stubborn.

I've done it in the past and that trouble I got myself into was not near as bad as feeling like this. But I'm old and sickly and cautious.

I guess this is what cowardice feels like: Sickly, old and cautious, telling yourself that your doing the right thing, telling yourself instead of just doing it; worrying about yourself instead of about others.

Well, I'm safe and a little 17 week old girl is dead.

Not much of a trade off there.

The little girl worked so hard to build up the courage to come to me, to let me pet her. It was hard for her because the only thing she knew was loneliness and pain and hunger.

She lived in my back yard for a couple of days, playing with my puppy and the foster dog. She was darling. She had fun and she laughed. She ate and was astonished that there were good foods that existed for a dog.

When I visited her in the shelter she was happy. She was glad to see me and made me pet her. I complained about her still being dirty and offered to come bathe her.

She didn't know what a bath is but she was sure she didn't want one. She just wanted me to play tug of war with her rope.

Its too late to do that little girl any good but I can make myself the promise that I won't let anyone else down like that again.

Getting knocked down and kicked is a lot better than the savage disappointment of trusting others to do what is my work.

So, I've already told the Pee Wee team I'll be a special consultant coach. I was asked to help coach some kids in a volley ball program. I'll do that.

I've got an ego, but I don't think I'm an egomaniac. I don't think I'm the only one in the world who can do these mundane tasks but sometimes I seem to be the only one willing to try. I know there are plenty who can do it better but for some reason I never see them standing out there where I am.

I'm sorry I let the little dog down. I'm sorry I've let people down. I guess if you're out there trying you're always going to fail some times. But better to crash and burn then to fade away.

I think Neil young said that. He's Canadian. Go figure.

My friend thought I bawled like a baby. I didn't, not this time anyway.

I have some mourning to do, but there's more work to do than crying.

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