I Am The Greatest Dog In The World!

November 14, 2008

I HAS LOST!

I has not wonned the election!!
I know. You am thinking, "No, Shelby, it is not you who lost the election, it is us, the people who have lost the election!"
You am part right. You did lose. BUT I LOSTED MORE!
I wanted to blow things up and boss everybody and plays all the time and have my own car to drive.
There am a lot of reasons I has losted.
First, they cheated!
Second the newspapers made up all sorts of terrible lies about me. THEY DID! Like they said, "If you don't vote for Shelby she will bite you on your butt!" That am a lie! What I said were, "Votes for me or you will get your butt bit!"
Then they printed up a dirty picture of me! BUT IT WERE NOT ME!!
If you is gentle and sweet like me don't you look at this picture! That am a warning. I has to show it to you so you can see how terrible my opponents them guys were!
<== See? What a terrible picture!
I is offended!
And that am not me! This am a dirty trick! I knows that cats am for chasing and that cats am not for loving!
I has gotted the cat in that picture to testify!
"I am Nikki and the wonderrrful, handsome dog in my picturrre is my good frrriend Jimmy.
See it am not me. NOT ME! Did you notice how funny cats be talking?
A lot of you is writing to me and saying, "Shelby, are you going to run again?"
That am dumb! Of course I is going to run! I is the world's fastest dog! I runs everyplace!
Robin will be my running mate again.
He is a very good running mate, the world's second greatest bark fighter and he am paying me a nickel and I get a mouthful of his food at every meal!
That am what we needs more of in government. People paying me and giving me food!
All I can say is that the guys who won am at least smarts enough to be getting them some good dogs! That am the smartest thing they could do. Them dogs will not be so great as me but at least they will be a lot smarter than people.
Us dogs knows us how to boss things so it will be okay.

You knows my brother Jimmy? Of course you do! If you don't that means you am not paying good attention!
Look at this. You see that other real beautiful dog there. That am my sister Layla. She am not so beautiful as me. And she am so little!
She am younger than me and not so beautiful as me but she am my sister so she am just beautiful enough!
Jimmy has finally sended me his pictures of him at Halloween. He went trick or treating with his friend Lucky. Lucky am a girl dog so you know she am very very smart.
Now then you has to wait and not look so you will be surprised!
There am Jimmy's secret costume and there am lucky in her costume!
If you am smart like me when you first looked at it you said, Jimmy is Romeo and Lucky is dressed in a pretty gown like Juliet! They are Romeo and Juliet!"
We all knows Romeo and Juliet am this movie about two kids who goes out on dates and stuff and has good sword fights!
But if you looks more careful you will notice something! You am getting hungry!

Now I is always hungry so at first I is thinking David has forgotted to give me my dinner again! And then I remembered I had just ated right before I gots my emails. Then I looked real real careful at Jimmy's picture!
He am not Romeo or a knight! See, he don't got him no sword for sword fighting!
He am disguised him as a hot dog!!
And Lucky, she am a beautiful ballerina!
Them am good disguises. But am they the right disguises for trick or treating?
When you am trick or treating the main thing is to gets you lots of loot! So you wants to scare people pretty good so they will give you good candy so a mean scary monster won't come back and play no tricks on them!
See, when Lucky goes to the door people says, "Oh look! A beautiful dancer dog. I will have to give her lots of candy so she will like me!"
But when Jimmy comes to the door people says, "Jimmy! You are a hot dog! Hot dogs don't eat. Hot dogs are supposed to be eaten!"
Then Jimmy has to run because he is so delicious looking!
Being delicious looking am not the best way to get candy and treats!
Jimmy were going to go him as a cowboy! That am a bit smarter because everybody knows cowboys has to work real hard and that they am always hungry and stuff so they will give him lots of food so he will keep his cows off their front yards!

Pretty soon it will be HAPPY ALL YOU CAN EAT DAY! I loves that day because I never gets enough to eat. But then it is starting the time you can't be nothing but good because the next big day am CHRISTMAS!!
I still hates being good but you have to. You has no choice.
Even big old Blue has to be good and he hates being good!
He says he likes being bad and stealing food and yelling at cats and digging holes and stuff.
It IS a lot of fun.
But you can't or Santa Paws won't bring you nothing good!
Even Robin hates being good. I don't know why. Robin is always good anyway.
Boys are too hard to figure out sometimes.

Posted by Shelby at 3:03 PM | Comments (4)

November 1, 2008

Happy Give ME Candy Day!

Hi. This is me.
I now have a very important job. I am the head of security but don't tell anybody. It is a secret!
It is my job to make sure nobody hurts Shelby or Robin while they are out campaigning and trick or treating!
It is a very hard job and it is a good thing I am so scary and big. Because we went out today and we were surrounded with little MONSTERS!!
There were skeletons and vampires! Skeletons are like bones you can eat but they are walking around!! And vampires are dressed all fancy but they just want to bite you!
I stood right behind Shelby and Robin and told them monsters you better not mess with us!
Here are a few words from your candidate.
My friends. I knows you am my friends cause none of you am dumb enough to get you butts bit! My friends It were Halloween last night! This am a very important day because it means this am the last day you can be bad and play tricks on people!
That's right. Now you has to start practicing being real good because Happy Christmas day am coming very soon. In just a month you can't be bad at all or Santa Paws will not comes to your house and then he will have all them extra presents to give to somebody who should be ME!
It am a very good day. We went tricks or treating and got us some PIZZA and some FRENCH FRIES! Those are very good and healthy foods to gives to dog.
If you gives a dog Pizza and french fries won't nobody be playing no tricks on you let me tell you!
As you can see I wents on Halloween as a beautiful candidate. I is so beautiful that everybody knewed it were me. You just can't hide when you is as beautiful as I is.
Here am my friend Roxy/ She am wearing a very good costume. I knew her right off. She am dressed up as Bob Marley who am a famous reggae singer. See, she got dreadlocks and everything!
Roxy said she's not Bob Marley she says she am a lion!
I just shakes my head. I has been hunting lions. I knows what a lion he am looking like. And that am not quite it.
See, here am a good lion costume on a dog. If I weren't a super genius I might has thought it were a real lion! So I tells Roxy to feel people and tells them she am Bob Marley!
Now here am a scary costume! You would think that dog it were all hurted but it am just a very good trick! That dog am not it hurted at all but I bet you was sure scared!
That dog were saying, "BOO! I am a poor hurt dog who can only feel better if you give me lots of candy and ice cream!"
I told him to say that and I bet it worked real good for him and he owes me some of that ice cream he got!
You has heared old Blue telling you about vampires. Well, here am a Count Dracula dog!! He is a kajillion times scarier than a people vampire because dogs already has them some great biting teeths. People just don't gets it, how to bites people. Dogs sure do but only if you am a bad guy or a robber. We don't bites good guys and people who gives us candy!
I bet this guy got his tons of good candy and stuff!
Now here am a good trick costume.
See that dog he am pretending to be a horse!! But here am the good part. See that guy who am riding that there dog who pretends to be a horse? There's nobody there! It am a trick! This is a good trick because when this guy goes to a house and says "Trick or treat!" people will gives this guy a cookie and then he can say, "HEY! What about a cookie for the guy who is riding me!"
Since there's really no guy riding him that dog gets him a FREE COOKIE!!!
Next year I am going to do that same trick only I is going to have two guys who are not there riding me! Then I will get THREE cookies!
That am why I is a super-genius!
This am Robin. He has got him no costume. He says as he am my running mate it would not be dignified!
HA HA on him! He would still get him some Pizza and some french fries! And he am not even a beautiful girl like me!
One thing is I has not gotted me no picture of Jimmy! That am my brother is case you doesn't pay attention. Jimmy him usually does him so pretty good costumes! Last year he was him Superman!! That am pretty good. I don't know what he was him this year.
He won't tell me.
I figures it were probably pretty good and he am just wanting me to write all about only him!
Boys!
They has such big egos!
That means they am not all gorgeous and modest like I is!
Boys am just them so silly.
Remember to votes for me! I will passes us a law that we doesn't has to be quite so good on Christmas so we can has us lots more fun.
I is still trying to use my big brain to figures out why it am so much more fun being bad then it is fun to be good.
This am a deep and serious question that I will solve for everybody when I is elected.

Posted by Shelby at 11:05 AM | Comments (5)

October 27, 2008

Vote For Shelby or I'll Bite Your Butt!

This am my first press conference. You can ask me any question you want so long as it am one I has writted down for you.

Ms Shelby, your opponent has claimed that you want to share the wealth. Do you?

I is a very poor dog. And if anybody has gotted them some extra money they should be sharing it with me. I would say thank you ever so nice.

What do you intend to do about taxes?

I has never been to Texas and I will not go there unless they plays the Trojans or the Buckeyes in a good football game!

They are saying that this is the most negative campaign ever run. You have said that your opponent pals around with cats!

I knows my opponent good. We used to be buddies! I has a history of reaching across the kennel to try and accomplish something for the greater good like stealing cookies or having a good fight. My opponent he am him a boy! There am nothing more negative than that! But did you know that he has been seed with cats! We needs to know what he am thinking! Why he am not chasing them cats or even trying to bites them just a little bit on they tails!
All I is saying is that we has a right to know more about him and where he stands on the cat problem!
It am the first question I is asked, they says, "Shelby, does your opponent like him some cats!" We deserves to know!

Ms Candidate, their was a press release that said you have spent over $150 dollars on toys! Is this true?

That am not true! I hardly ever plays with them! And if I did get all them toys I would be giving them to other poor dogs to play with when I is finished with them!
This am what am wrong with you reporter guys. You am talking about toys when they is great problems facing us, like when do I get fed and how many treats does I get today! And whether my opponent hangs him out with cats! Them is what concerns us not how many toys I has or has not got!

Someone in your campaign has said that your running mate Robin has gone "rogue" and is not doing what you've told him to do. That he's running his own campaign!

Blue has been telling you stuff! Robin am a good running mate and when he does something stupid, which he am going to do because he am a boy, I has no problem in setting him right. He am the best running mate I could has that I could find in my back yard.

Its been said that you don't have enough experience to run a country. Would you comment on that?

I has had to take care of David for his entire life! Almost all of my life! No country can be as stupid as David am! I has lived in a house with FOUR BOYS! I is the best bossy dog in the world. And I still tells the best jokes in the whole world! See there am me telling the joke about why does cats cross the road!

Why do cats cross the road?

To hold they pants up! No, I mean to gets away from me cause I is chasing them like a good dog should!

Ms Shelby, if elected have you given any thoughts to who would be in the cabinet?

I would not lock nobody up in no cabinet excepting maybe bad cats. Locking dogs up am bad!

No. Who would your advisors be, your secretary of defense, secretary of the treasury and the Surgeon General?

You should learn to says what you means like I does.
I don't need no advice!
I is already the greatest fighting dog in the world so who could be better than me for Secretary of Defense. I is the greatest doctor dog in the world so I would be the Surgeon General especially if I gets to wear a new medal. I loves me them medals. Since I has them jobs I should get them paychecks too! Now David has more money than anybody I knows and he am very stingy with it so he can be Secretary of the Money but he don't get no pay!

Thank you Ms Candidate. Is there anything you'd like to say in closing?

Yes. I is giving you all a GREAT PRESENT! And I is not even charging you nothing for it! NOTHING. FREE!
You can send people great postcards. Pictures of me! And them other guys. You know them other guys. Robin, Blue and a special Halloween card! Halloween am a great holiday cause you gets CANDY!
Just click these words here and you can go sends a great postcard! It am free and you only needs email addresses. We don't saves them so you just sends them postcards and people will be so happy to get a picture of me!
You has to write you own words. I can't do everything for you.
See, now who am you going to vote for? A beautiful girl who gives you great free stuff or a boy who loves him some cats!
Vote!
I is Shelby and I has approved this message and I is taking a nap!!

Posted by Shelby at 8:39 PM | Comments (5)

October 10, 2008

I is now a politician!

I has gotted me an email from my old buddy Jack.
I likes hearing from old friends as much as I like hearing from new friends.
You know what?
You will never guesses no matter how many times you guess.
Jack am him running for PRESIDENT!
That's right! I couldn't make up no jokes like that!
I know what you am thinking. There am their picture.
Now, what am wrong with this picture? You is probably thinking that.
I will tell you in case you am a boy. IT AM TWO BOYS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT!!
BOYS! Who would be stupid enough to let boys be in charge of anything!?!
I is sure that you has noticed that whenever anything am really really messed up it am a boy who has done the messing and it am always a girl who has to come in and cleans up the messes!
It am true. All you has to do am thinks bout it for a minute and you will know it am so!
This am very worrisome. If Jack am in charge I just knows he will messes stuff up. Even though I has taught Jack pretty good I only teached him stuff for a few months. It takes you years and years to teaches a boy anything and even then boys will usually forgets the smart stuff you has teached them. It am so true.
Just look at David and you will know how true it am. I has teached him for 3 years and he still hardly knows anything. I has to watches him very careful.
So I has put my super genius brain to work on this problem because I knows that if a boy he am running things it will be just a terrible terrible mess. And I is not going to cleans it up!
I has figured out that the only way to stop Jack from messing things up is to take a job where I can bosses him and everybody else.
If Jack am going to be him a president I will has to be the Queen!
Queen Shelby. You has to admit that do sound just so right. Don't it?
To keep the boys happy. You has to keep boys happy. They am just so many of them and when they is unhappy they do so many dumb things trying to be happy that you just don't want to knows about it!
I has decided to let Robin be my Vice-Queen! Boys will say, "We have to obey Queen Shelby. She can beat us up! And Robin is a boy just like us so he will make sure Shelby doesn't make any rules that might make us be smarter or cleaner or other stuff us boys don't like to be!"
Boys! Only a boy could think Robin could bosses me even a little bit! But they will think that. Then they will votes for me! I is such a super genius!
I has picked Robin instead of Blue because Robin am very calm. He always says, "Shelby, I know you can beat up anyone in the world but sometimes you just shouldn't!" And Robin am always biting David and that makes me laugh.
Blue always is saying, "Shelby, can you beat up this guy for me?"
When I is the Queen me beating everybody up might start wars or something stupid.
Robin were him so excited to find out that he were going to be my Vice Queen he runned right out and got hisself a hair cut! Don't he look dumb!
I was laughing and laughing and Robin him said, "My mom thinks I look beautiful with my hair cut. She said I was gorgeous. That's the word she used: Gorgeous! That means really beautiful, almost as beautiful as Shelby!"
Of course I just laughed at him even harder. He will be a great Vice Queen.
First thing I has to do is gets people to votes for me. Blue wanted to help. I said okay so he am my campaign manager. First thing he done was to take him a nap. That am a lot smarter than most boys usually is.
I said, "What we needs am a big parade!"
Robin said, "That's a great idea, Shelby!" That am why he will makes a good Vice Queen! He knows when to agrees with me.
Of course old Blue wants him to be in the parade.
Then my big brain starts thinking. We can't just have us no parade for nothing! I knows that people gets a thrill getting to see me but if I has to go out and walks around I thinks I should get paid for it!
So I has me even another super genius idea! I will have a parade so that people can looks at me AND they has to give us money to save all them poor dogs who don't has them no good forever home!
You is saying to yourself now, "That Shelby is so smart! She'll be a great Queen! I wish I could vote for her a thousand times!"
There am a picture of us starting out on our campaign trail. Blue am in front and I is in the middle! Blue's job am to yell, "Vote For Shelby!"
Blue am very good at yelling even if he do forget what he am supposed to be yelling sometimes!
People got so terrible excited when they learns they can votes for me! This guy comed running up to look at me and then he runned all over the place yelling, "Vote for Shelby! Vote for Shelby!"
And this little guy runned so fast you could hardly see him! He comed up to me and says, "Are you THE Shelby!" and before I could say, "Yes, I is!" he was off running around shouting, "I have seen Shelby! I talked to Shelby!"
Blue and Robin was working hard for boys. You see that there brown dog? See how his jaw nearly hit the floor when he saw that it were really me walking behind this parade?!
He said, "I don't know how to vote but I sure as heck am going to learn so I can vote for you Shelby! Can you make them give me more treats?"
I told him. "More treats is what I is going to see to first when I is bossing people!"
He runned off yelling, "Vote for Shelby! Vote for more treats and ice cream!"
This spotted dog walks up to me and says, "If I vote for you Shelby will you make them take this stupid thing off my face?"
I told him, "First thing I is going to do is make dumb people wears them silly leashes and let smart dogs walk around and goes into restaurants and stores that sells good stuff for dogs!"
He said, "I'm voting for you Shelby and I'll beat up anybody who says they won't vote for you too!"
This guy walked up to me and said, "Shelby, there is a very mean cat who lives in my house and you know what?"
I said, "I bet that mean old stinky cat goes to the bathroom in the house and it swats you on your nose when you wasn't doing nothing wrong but smelling it to see if that terrible smell were coming from it!"
He said, That's right! Shelby, you are so smart."
"Of course I is!" I said, "First thing is is going to do when I is Queen is make all them cats get them rubber teeths and rubber claws so that if they swat a good dog it won't even sting. Then I will make them all goes to the bathroom outside! "Really! I'm voting for you Shelby!" And he runned away yelling, "Vote for Shelby! She'll put all them cats where they belong! OUTSIDE!"
Oh we walked up and down that campaign trail for a terrible long time. We kept getting everybody to vote for us, just everybody.
It went just like I expected.
I was surprised by one thing. Robin really did his job! That am amazing for a boy. He kept on spreading our message of "Vote for Shelby!" everywhere he went.
And BLUE! Him were so proud to be doing something important! He were really really trying. He even tried to talk to people! That did not go so good.
Blue got this lady to ask me, "Shelby, before I vote for you I need to know what you will do about the economy."
So I used my big brain and said, "Lady, the economy am it a very important subject and what I is going to do is have Blue looks it up and then I will gives you a answer later on!"
She said, "Why that's brilliant Shelby! I am certainly planning to vote for you!"
They was just so many questions. Its not everyday people gets to look on a beautiful dog like me and then when they finds out I will lets them talk to me it were just crazy crazy.
I is used to being popular so I has figured out how to handle it and the right way to answer all them dumb questions they has.
Like I told this guy, "First thing I is going to do is make a law that says no stupid scarves on dogs necks!"
And I told this guy "First thing I is going to do is tell them 'all big dogs has to be treated extra nice so that they never gets sad from being picked on!'"
I was so popular. Of course.
Soon all them dogs were running all over the place yelling, "Votes for Shelby, Vote for Shelby!"
Oh it were so beautiful hearing all them dogs yelling my beautiful name.
And you knows the very best part of my day on the campaign trail. We got a terrible terrible amount of money to save them dogs. It were a terrible amount of money. But it weren't enough money to save all of them.
The really very first thing I is going to do when I elected your Queen is make it be a law that people can't be mean to no dogs and to other kids.
It should be that way already but I don't think it is.
I has seed an awful lot people being mean. No dog should ever be scared or alone and no kids should be either, not even boy kids.
Everybody should has them enough to eat and a good place to sleep and not be scared of being hit by someobody bigger than them.
I is Shelby and I has approved this message.
Now I needs me a nap!

Posted by Shelby at 7:25 PM | Comments (2)