July 31, 2005
I has got a new toy
I got a new toy today. When David throws it it flies just like a beautifly! then you has to catch it.
I not catch it yet but I will. I is a little dog now but I be big and then I catches it good.
Now I has to chase it and I catch it when it lands. It am very funny when it rolls and it is much fun to catch then.
I takes it back to David so he can throws it two times.
then I no take sit back. I goes over and beats it up and I tells it, "You don't fly so high so a little dogs can catches you!"
It were a very good day.
David makes me do his stupid game: "Stay Shelby" I tries to play it but I get bored but finally he leaves me alone with it.
But was really gooder about today is I no had to go to work!
I did nothing all day except sleep and play.
It is a very good thing for a dog to do nothing but sleeps and play.
I has too much fun with my new toy to invents nay new games for you but I will tell you a joke I wrote.
Okay, see, I says:
Why did the dog cross the road?
Then you has to say:
I don't know Shelby why did the dog cross the road?
Then I says:
To bites you on you butt!
You stop laughing now cause I has to tell you something important!
You know I is the greatest dog in the world.
Now I has a secret identifty.
You no can tell nobody cause I is going to go around biting bad people and rescuing people.
When you do that you has to have a hero name. I don't know why but I is smart enough to know you do.
My secret identity will be Moonlite's Be Bop Deluxe
That is a lot harder to say than "Shelby to the rescue!"
You got to say it right: Looks on the ground. Is it a mound or a hill? NO! It am Moonlite's Be Bop Deluxe! And you have to say Moonlite's Be Bop Deluxe in a real big voice.
It is okay if you tells people you knows me. It is good that you know a real importants dog like me.
That am a picture of me with a real good sticks I found. Now that I has a secret identity David is not silly enough to takes away my good sticks.
He won't let me bring it in the house!
I loves him but he is still stupid.
And he is a cheater! Everytime I is just about to beat him up he rubs my belly! Then I forgets all about beating him up.
July 30, 2005
I is so mad at David
He don't gives me a treat every time I wants one. He don't play alligator all the time. He makes me work!
He should pet me, play with me and feed me all at the same time! That would make him very happy cause it would make me happy!
And at works I found very very big stick. It was very good stick and he throwed it in the garbage! He DID!
And I found a very good rock and I bought it inside to play with and he throws it outside!
He is making me crazy!
Then he takes me outside and instead of playing good games with me like he should he wanted to play his games.
HIS GAMES AM STUPID!!
It am "Sit Shelby". "Stay Shelby."
And if I goes to look at something interesting cause he am so boring he say "No Shelby" and puts me right back where I started!
I tells him, "If I wanted to bes here I wouldn't have moved!"
I don't wants to sit. I don't wants to stay!
I was going to runded away from home! I was going to drive away but he wouldn't open up the car for me! He is so mean to a dog!
If I runs away he's going to be very sad. He be going "Poor me. I had the greatest dog in the world and I was so means to her."
And I be watching him going, "Yes, you was very stupid not to takes gooder care of me."
Then I thinks if I runs away who going to rubs my tummy? He does have very good treats when he am not being stingy with them.
I am going to stay but I is mad about it.
I has written a songs to sings about it. It am a very very sad song.
I is Shelby who am the greatest dog in the world
I might as well be as bad a dog as I can be
Cause David is so mean to me
Mean to me, mean to me
David am so mean to a girl
He say good girl
He say bad girl
I don'ts know what he is talking about
So I bites him
But not real hard cause I loves him
I is Shelby
And no one will tell me
How I is the greatest dog in the world
I may as well be just bad
Cause david is so means to me
Means to me, means to me
You is probably crying now. I sings very good. You could send me a nice treat if you likes my song.
That would be very smarts of you.
I is not mad at David no more cause he has given me a Frosty Paws cause I did so good at stay.
I don't know what he is talking about! But I loves me that Frosty Paws. It is the perfect food for the Greatest Dog In The World.
And then he let me play alligator!
I love David but he should be nicer to his dog!
July 29, 2005
Today I ate a bug
It were delicious.
You are lucky cause you has the greatest dog in the world inventing very good games for you. It am Alligator In The Swamp!
Today I wokes David up to takes me out. There was lots of good rain and lots of good mud puddles.
What you has to do is find real big pudle and then you rolls in it real good so you is all muddy and looks just like an alligator.
This is the hardest part. You has to runs inside really fast or David will catch you and rubs you with a towel.
It feels real good to get rubbed with a towel by David but this game is even gooder than that.
You runs up the stairs realyreally fast and then you crawls under the bed. Under the bed is your swamp.
Now David runs in and says "where is that Shelby?"
You has to stay very quiet like an alligator. Then when you see his feets walk by you has to crawl out real fast and grabs him and tries to pull him into the swamp!
I has a little alligator and if I bites it it makes a alligator noise. When you sqeeks that David staop and go, "Oh oh, there is an alligator in my room!" Then when you grabs him he be really really scared!
If David is really stupid you can go woof at him but then he is not so scared becasue he knows it am you just pretending to be an alligator. But it is still good joke!
Before I went to sleep I tells you that I don't like places I hasn't already been to. You writes to me and say, "Oh Shelby, if you hasn't seen them how you know you won't likes them there is many blah blah arf arf woof woof." That am stupid!
How could a place be any good if I hasn't been there?
That am logic!
One thing that am really good is when you is asleep and you wakes up and David is rubbing your tummy! It is very good.
But he is making me crazy!
If I goes to the bathroom in the grass he is all,"Good girl Shelby. Good girl!" and I gets a treat!
But if I goes to the bathroom on the rug he is all, "You is a bad girl Shelby!" I says, "I is not a bad girl! Where is my treat?!" and I gets no treat.
And if I goes to the bathroom on the paper he is "Good girl Shelby, good girl!" and I gets a treat!
He is very crazy.
July 28, 2005
Somes of you people has been sending me letters. This am stupid.
Don't send me letters sends me food!
Sending foods to a dog is very smart and it is healthy too . . . healthy for me cause I is a starving dog and healthy for you cause when you sends me food I won'ts come looking to bite you on you butt!
You is probably wondering what kind of food to send to the greatest dog in the world.
I will tell you.
1) Frosty paws livers kibbles chickens bananas beefs porks turkies cats squireels lizards and snakes
2) all the other foods!
Today at work I couldn't believe it, them lizards all come back! I tell them they better not be there tomorrow but I don't think they was listening.
We went for a long walks on our lunch hour. I don't know why we go places when we is just coming right back.
A lot of people tried to pet me but I said I is too little to be touched by big fat you!
It were still very hot today and David keeps going outside. I stands at the door and tells him it is very cool by the air conditioner. You get in here right now!
But he is too stupid to listen to his dog.
Then I drives us home and then we goes to the dog park.
Good ol' Dog lives in my house and she goes to. She drives when she is in the car.
I did not like the dog park.
A big Doberman runned me over! I is very little now. David he scoops me up and I is glad.
We goes to the puppy dog park, but I no likes that either. All these people keep saying, O what a beautiful puppy. They can say that but then they try and pet me!
I don't knows them!
I talks to the little dogs there and they were very boring. They has no good games and they is very slow running dogs.
I tells David I am drving us home so we goes out and comes home and I gets to eat!
It were an interesting day.
I don't like going places I hasn't been before!
July 27, 2005
A doctor stuck me in my butt!
I keeps telling him that I don't have to leave my yard just to comes back to my yard! But he makes me go.
I drives David to work today. It am a very easy drive. We stops at the bank and the very smart lady there gives me a cookie. She gives me a cookie everyday and David don't gives me nothing!
You'd think that when he sees a nice lady gives me a cookie he say to hisself, "Shelby is a very good dog for turning in money so I should give her a good treat!" He never does!
It is very hot today so I goes into the air conditioning and guards the floor real good.
I is very tired. Last night I could hardly gets sleep. I goes to the bathroom on paper so I don't have to sleep in the crate all night. I don't understands that at all!
So since I was out I had to move all my toys and put them in the right spots. I had to play with them too so I knows that they are happy in they new spots.
I keep trying to share my toys with David but he is so stupid he just sleeps. I put my elephant in his face and he just sleeps.
I don't think there is any hope for someone who am so stupid.
So I was just sleeping away at work. Nobody stole that floor today I tell you, and we has to go.
It were very hot but we went to a nice store and got me lots of chew toys. Then we went to a Doctor.
You wouldn't believe how hot it was! A thermometer said it was 108! I told David it were too hot for us out there and we should go back to the air conditioning! But we walked about 1 million kajillion miles. David had water leaking out of him!
When we got to the doctor a nice nurse gived me a very cold drink of water. It had ice cubes in it! That was delicious.
I was trying to invent a new game with david when the nice nurse comes back and gives me a cookie. It was because she had never seed a dog so pretty like me I guess.
It were a good cookie but then she tried to pet me! I yelled at her, don't you pet me! I is David's dog!
After I said that she left me alone and I worked on my new game. It is a very good game but i still has to figure out how you people who am no so smart as me can plays it.
Then we goes into a special room. The floor was very nice and cool.
This lady comes in and she seems nice. David puts me on a nice table that feels very good on my tummy. It was very cold and I liked that.
The Dr lady talk very nice and examined me very good. David kept petting me and I likes it when David pets me. He really knows how to rubs your belly!
That Doctor seemed nice but then she stuck me in my butt! And David was right there and didn't do nothing about it!
I couldn't believe it!
We went home and I made David play with me for not protecting me from butt sticking doctors! He plays very good.
July 26, 2005
I am very good at my job
It were very busy this morning. First I had to wake stupid David up so he could take me outside. Then I had to eat and then I had to play!
I have invented a brand new game. It is a very good game cause I has made it up.
First you takes Good Ol' Dog's water dish. You be very stupid to use your own water dish.
You drinks up a little bit of water. You might be thirsty but mainly you do this cause if stupid David is watching you he will think, "Oh Shelby is just thirsty." He sometimes don't like this game.
Then you takes the water dish and lifts it up and flips it over your head! It is very hard to flip it right on your head so you has to practice it a lot.
When you get it on your head it feels very good and you want to do it again and again!
I took David for a walk around the woods this morning. I would show him the way to go then I would wait to see if he figures it our hisself. He am not smart like me.
I has to show him over and over again the right way to go and the right things to smell. He is lucky I is his dog or I think he'd get lost!
I had to drive David to work again. We stopped by the bank and the bank lady give me a biscuit. That is good cause David don't give me nothing!
When I gets to my job I couldn't beleive it. The lizards were back! I chased them real good.
I looked for them chipmunks. I wanted to talk to them and ask one of them to jump into my mouth, but they was gone. It was very very hot today so they was probably in the air conditioning.
Then stupid David goes out and leaves me in the air conditioning. I like air conditioning. He should not go places without a dog. He could get hurted.
When he come back I tells him how stupid he is. I tells him I is not mad at him then I goes "Yes I is mad at you!" i make sure he not do something that stupid again. I made him rubs my belly till I goes asleep.
Finally our work is over. I drives us home and it is still very hot. I find out that if I put my head out the window and David holds my chest I can drive very very good.
When we get home they is trouble. A means old cat is not letting me eats its food!
Then I has an accident on the rug cause I is pretty excited. David makes me go outside and I tells him I is going to beat him up if he don't let me back in the air conditioning! He don't pays no attention so I is thinking I waits till he's asleep!
Then we goes out for another walk. I saw tiny little people and they was talking real loud! I couldn't figures it out. They looks like people only they is little!
Then a dog is behind a fence and he says "I is biting you on your butt if you not run away!"
You can bets I run, but not real fast . . . cause David is too slow! I was saying you is going to get your butt bit! But he just walking real slow.
You just can't helps some people.
July 25, 2005
I knowed I am a slave
It was a very nice night. I had to go to the bathroom about 3:30 and then David played with me till we had to go to work.
He has put a collar on me. I has a slave name. My slave name is Reward. I tells him my name is not Reward, it is Shelby.
I has to drive the truck. It were harder than I thought but I gots him to the bank. I gives the lady the money and she gave me a biscuit. This is a good thing because stupid David didn't give me nothing.
Then I drives the truck to work.
I don't know what I is supposed to do there but I soon figured it out cause I am very smart.
I has to chase the lizards away! They are very fast them lizards and they is all stripey but I chased them very good.
I also seed a chipmonk! It were very funny and I wanted to hold it in my mouth. That would be good.
Then when I has made sure all them lizards and chipmunks knew who was boss I guarded the floor.
You bet nobody stole that floor while I was guarding it!
Then for lunch we went to a very wonderful store. When we walked there I had to cry. It were so hot my feetsus was burning! David had to carry me until we would find grass and then I would show him the way to go.
This store was beautiful and had many good toys for a dog. There were stupid cat toys too. I don't know why they sells them.
So I finished work. Comes home and plays because a working dog like me has to play or we get too tired.
I will tell you the good game I has invented.
It is called Shelby To The Rescue.
What you have to do is go to the top of the stairs and then you yells real loud, "Shelby to the rescue."
It is important you yell real loud cause when people need rescuing they might be scared but when they hear you shout they will go, "Oh, it is okay. Shelby is coming. We don't have to be afraid no more."
You shouldn't yell "Shelby" though because I is Shelby! You could pretend to be me cause I is the greatest dog in the world but I think it is better to pretend to be yourself.
Then after you has yelled you run downs the stairs as fast as you can and then you jumps so you is flying then you slides your butt across the floor!
It is a very good game cause I invented it.
July 24, 2005
It were a terrible night
He had good treats but he don't understand that I don't belongs here. His yard is very nice but it is not my yard.
Then I hears it. MY MOM! She has come to save me!
We get into the car and we go to a very nice field where they had a dog swimming pool! I am a great swimming dog. I keeps all the bad swimming dogs out of the water and since I is the best that means all the rest is terrible swimming dogs. I tells them it am for they own good.
I then talks to my mom and she say, "I am your mom Shelby but not any more. That man belongs to you and you have to protect him."
I tell her, "He is a stupid man and very mean!"
She say, "He's not stupid, he's nice and has good treats. He will not hurt you Shelby."
I say, "I don't care. I am going to stay with you!"
Then my mom got real mad and said, "NO! You has to stay with the man who belongs to you. If you stay I will bite you on your butt!"
I goes to my uncle Hank. He is very big and very strong. I tell him, "David is very mean to me! You has to bite him really hard!"
Uncle Hank says, "I don't think a man would have so many good treats if he were mean. You have to take care of him Shelby."
I couldn't believe that none of my family would save me from this stupid David.
So we comes back to stupid David's house and I says goodbye to my Mom and the lady that fed me. We say good bye forever.
It were very sad.
Then stupid David gives me some very good food and I tries to teach him how to plays with the rope. I beats up an elephant so he can see how tough I am, then I goes and chews on my bone and tries to sleep.
I keeps hearing those mean old cats. They says terrible things to me and they say they will hit me on my nose!
It am so terrible here, but I will do what my mom says I have to do and try and take care of the stupid man.
I did invent a very good game. It is called Shelby and the secret treasure! See you has to have a very big cave and you goes into the cave and beats up all the spiders and terrible things that lives there. It is a scary game but when you are tough like me spiders don't really scare you.
If you are scared you can beat up spider webs. They are very easy to beat up and they stick to your face so you will look very beautiful.
If you is even afraid of spider webs you can pretend with a squeeky toy. Remember them squeeky toys can be very tough so don't get hurt. And if you do I has warned you good!
Then when you has beaten up all the spiders you go to stupid David and he gives you some delicious crumbly liver! That am the treasure!
The secret is that stupid David doesn't know he has to give you a good treat, but he does it! He am stupid. Everytime I goes to the bathroom he gives me a treat! Like he has never seed a dog go to the bathroom before!
July 23, 2005
I is here now
Today started out like a very good day.
My mom and Laci and Hank all got to go in the car. My mom drove. She is a very good driver. You has to bark once to go that way and twice to go that way and you has to growl some to go really really fast.
When I gets a car I will drive it real good too. We drove for a very long time. I urinated all over the place. This is a very good thing.
Then we droves and droves and my mom got sleepy. Then we was there.
A strange man comes up to me and helps me and my mom out of the car. He smelled very funny and he has big big green eyes but he had treats.
They was very good treats. When you takes it is is all dried and crumbly but when you eats it it turns into liver!
At first I tried to bites him but I played with him some and he rubs my belly very nice.
He gots no swimming pool. That is very stupid. So I swims in the water dish. It was not as good as a pool but it felt very good.
He asks me my name and I tells him, "You is very stupid cause everybody knows I is Shelby!"
So we plays some more and I is getting sleepy.
Then the lady who feeds us gets up and David gives her some money.
Everybody are leaving and then I realizes: "I has been sold! I is a slave!!" This is terrible!
I tries to run and catches up to my mom but she drives the car away. And I is left there all alone.
You is probably crying now. It am very sad.
I tell you something else. You won't believe it but this man - He has cats!
I know. It is so terrible. Cats are very ugly things. They smell funny. I tell you a secret: they poop in the house. THEY DO!
I then talks to this man some and he is terrible but he has good treats and rubs a girl's tummy very good. I is thinking I will sleep here tonight and then tomorrow I will escape and go back to my mom. I is nearly 10 weeks old and I is very fast and very strong.