January 31, 2006
I just do so much and I still has so much to do!
Doctor Karen has not had her baby yet!
I says to her, "Karen", I says. When us doctors are together we calls each other by our first names. I says, "Karen, that baby don't want to come unless it has a great name like; oh, I don't know, maybe SHELBY!"
Karen she just laugh but she knows I is right.
On Friday one of my patients came to visit me, Scott. He came to my other job and I had to explain to him that this is not my doctoring hours, but I gave him a good check up. He throws the stick really good and he laughs just about right, so I told him he is perfectly healthy!
Then Scott has a great idea. he thinks I could use a pet! I told him I have been telling David the same thing. I wants a pig or a cheeseburger for a pet! Then Scott has a better idea. He thinks I should have a dinosaur!
Scott saw a show on TV where lizards when they lose they tails they grows another one right back! That means when I is hungry I could nibble on my dinosaur just a little and there will always be plenty of dinosaur to nibble on!
And a dinosaur is so big when i puts it in the bath tub to sleep I will never ever have to take another bath!
So on Saturday David takes me into the woods to go dinosaur hunting. I know you is saying, "Oh Shelby! You are Shelby and that is just a poor little dinosaur! It's not fair at all."
You are right but I really wants a dinosaur and it was all Scott's idea so you blame him!
So David took me to the forest!
Now to catch dinosaurs you have to remember. They is very very big but they is stupid! The best way to catch them is to run as fast as you can all the time!
See, what happens is the dinosaur hears you and he goes to look but you is so fast you is gone from where they is looking! Then them dinosaurs just shrugs and thinks they just imagines they has heard something.
Now when you gets real real close to the dinosaur you has to jump into the air and bites them right on they big noses! Then you has to say, "You had better come with me dinosaur so I can tames you and makes you my pet!"
You would think that for a chance to be my pet that those dino's would just turns around and follows me home. But I told you they is very stupid.
If they don't follow you then you has to runs all the way to they backs and then you grabs they tail and just drags them back home. Luckily I is very strong so that is no problem!
We didn't see any dinosaurs. I know they were out there. I smelled they tracks and I walked along a big ditch that was made from a lazy old dinosaur dragging his tail behind him!
We didn't see any dinosaurs cause David is just too slow! I know them guys would looks up and see David and say, "Hey, that's the guy who lives with that big fierce dog! We had better get out of here!"
See, dinosaurs is very stupid but they is very very good at hiding! When's the last time you saw one? See! That's how good they is.
But just you wait. One day I is going to get me that dinosaur!
January 22, 2006
Some good and some stupid questions
You people keeps writing to me. When you is asking me questions you is being very very smart. See, I is super smart and I knows that you can always get smarter. Asking me to teach you stuff shows you is not stupid even if some of your questions are.
Lucy in Chicago writes to me everyday. She is very smart but she asks a very stupid question;
Shelby why don't you write something everyday?
Cause I is busy!
Sides if you gets ice cream every single day you might be very very happy but then you would get fat! See?
By the way I now weighs 50 pounds. Since we know I is perfect that means that anyone who weighs more than 50 pounds is FAT!
Ben in Canada asks;
How do I get a Shelby award?
This is a very good question and it has a very easy answer. You has to be greater than me at something!
Since I is the greatest dog in the world that means it is very very hard to gets this award. I think that is good. The Shelby Award is solid gold and has a big picture of my beautiful face on it! It has diamonds or some shiny stones for my eyes and it opens up and is filled with treats!
You has to make them yourself cause I is a poor dog who has no money but now you knows how to make one if you should win one.
Charles in New York wants to know;
What is the best food in the world?
This is a very hard question cause it has so many answers!
Ice cream is always the best food. Sometimes you has been out running and playing good games I really thinks a cheesburger is the best for you. It has all the grease vitamins you need to go back and play harder!
So as I is thinking the best food is a cheeseburger rolled in ice cream!
You know David has told me that cheeseburgers is a food made from a lot of foods, but my brother Jimmy has sent me a delicious bone from a cheeseburger! What a smart dog like me has learned is don't listen to David!
Now I wants to have a pet pig and a pet cheeseburger. I tells David we can keep it in the bathtub which we should not use cause baths are very very bad for a dog.
Linda in Colorado asks me;
Shelby, how can I be as beautiful as you?
First you has to have a beautiful mom. My mom is almost as beautiful as me! Really, its true!
Then you has to do a lot of mud treatments. In this picture you can see how I has puts mud all over my face! Make sure stupid David doesn't find you and washes off your beauty treatment.
Walter in Maryland writes to ask;
Are there any other great dogs like you?
The problem with writing stuff is you can't see I is shaking my head slow and looking ups with my eyes.
They is only me. I is Shelby and I is the greatest dog in the world. Just ask me and I will tells you!
That is enough questions! Doctor Karen has not had her baby! It is not coming because it wants to be named Shelby!
I has cured most of my patients. I is a great doctor you know. They has give me more patients! I tells my old patients they has to laugh harder to spits all them germs out!
I has to take a nap and watch the football!
January 11, 2006
I was going to give out some awards
I was going to call them Shelby Awards. Then I got to thinking. My brain is so big that I is always thinking. What I was thinking is that I am the smartest, fastest, best singing, best movie starring, best gift getter, best doctor, best lawyer, best joke teller, most beautiful in the world! Look even in the rain I is so beautiful! So all the awards would have to go to me!
I know you would all be saying,"This is terrible. I know Shelby is the greatest in the world and deserves all the awards but it don't seem fair that she gets even more and more medals!"
I have seen that people can be selfish like that. I don't know why you're like that but I know you are!
So the only award I am giving is to Jimmy. Jimmy has given me a very good present. TWO PRESENTS! One is the bone from a cheeseburger! It is very delicious. The other is a dog that smells just like Jimmy. I beats it up all the time and I can tell you it tastes just like Jimmy too! I has bit Jimmy plenty of times so I know what he is tasting like!
Today I had to work at my doctoring job. I examined my patients very good and decided that the best medicine was to chase me around and laugh!
This is very good medicine. See what happens is that the germs is inside of you and when you is running around they gets all tired and mad because they just wants to lay around and do germ-y things. So when you laughs the germs say, "Let me out of here!" and they jumps out of you mouth onto the floor and while we is running around we steps on them and chases them away.
This is very very good medicine.
But you is saying, "Dr Shelby, what about them patients who is not feeling good enough to run around and laugh! You don't let them stay sick do you?" Of course I don't let them stay sick!
I has a different medicine for them. See, I makes them pet me and rub my ears. I is so beautiful and soft that when they pets me the patients feels all good and happy. They gets feeling real rested like after you feels when you has ice cream. See then when they is rested them germs is all tired and happy and they fall asleeps so that pills can go in and chase them away.
This is also good medicine. I invented it.
January 2, 2006
This is all too crazy!
And if anyone knows crazy it is me!
They is celebrating a new year. Now a year has 12 months. I looked it up!
I is 7 and one half months old. Now you tell me how can it be a new year for me when I is not a year old?!?
That is logic and I is a lawyer!
I has to tell you don't gets some good mud on you and then be around David! Before you know what is happening you will be in the bath and baths is very terrible things. They is very bad for a dog.
I was telling David I was going to grow Dredlocks but he didn't listen. He just puts boiling water on me and scrubs and scrubs. I think he was using nails!
Then when we is all done he tries to show me the dirty water. Like I would care, right. And he says, "Shelby after your bath you don't weigh 45 pounds you weigh 40 pounds!"
Hah hah. Now that hah hah don't mean I think his joke is funny it means I think his joke is stupid. See he is saying that his bath has took 5 pounds of dirt off of me. That is just stupid. I did not have 5 pounds of dirt on me.
Now you see why I tells all the jokes in this family.
And then he turns around and gives Good Ol' Dog a bath too! He is very crazy.
We has been watching football today and eating pig ears. I have been eating David's pig ears cause he don't seem to want them.
I don't care about football except when my Trojans am playing and they doesn't play today.
One thing I didn't know is that Ohio is playing today! Now I is a Trojan that is perfectly obvious. But I was borned a Buckeye.
I was! I was born in Ohio!
I is very glad USC is not playing Ohio, I wouldn't know what to do then!
So you have a happy New Year even if I hasn't been here 1 year yet.