March 27, 2006
I has to ask you something and then I got a surprise for you
This is something that just makes no sense to me. And you know how smart I is so you must be thinking this is a really big problem I has.
You is right!
See, now I likes to play in water and in mud. It makes me smell so beautiful and it makes my fur so pretty.
But as soon as I gets the teensiest bit of water on my feet David gets all crazy!
He brings out the towel and just scrubs my poor little feets so hard I was thinking they was just going to fall off and that would sure teach him a lesson is what I think!
I figures that David has some sort of weird disease that makes him afraid of some good old fashioned healthy mud and he is silly enough to think that if any of that good mud gets on his floor he will get sick!
I know it sounds stupid but you has to know david and then you'd know he thinks stupid things like that all the time.
I is used to him.
But then! Every week he takes nasty smelling water and then just pours it on the floor and then he just plays and plays in it with a big old stick! And when I goes to plays in that floor water with him he tells me I is a bad girl! I know! I can't believe it either!
What I can't understand is why he thinks his stinky old soapy water is better than the good water that I find!
I don't know. It makes me crazy!
But there is one good thing. I has made a DVD! I has!
Its a real one that you have to put in a machine and then I is on television!
So I is not only a great movie star now I is a TV star too. Sometimes I amazes me.
Now I was figuring David is going to sell these DVDs for a kajillion dollars apiece or maybe even charges a whole Sarge Bone for them!
We is giving them away! Five of them!
I figures I will race all of you and the first 5 who beats me wins this fabulous prize! But I thinks there is no one out there who can beats me!
So I figure you writes a story about why I is so great but then you will all write, “You is so great cause you is Shelby!”
And that is true.
So I figures you writes why dirty smelly cats is so terrible. But we all know it am because they go to the bath room inside.
So now I figures just the first people who writes me something I likes will win! Like you could write how great Moo Toobes is!
AND I still has big news: My mom, Uncle Hank and Romeo are all going to the dog show to see who am the greatest dog in the world! I mean after me of course. I is excited for them. When they all wins I plans to say, “Ahem, you notice I didn't enter so it wasn't like you really won!”
March 19, 2006
This is one of the things I'm busy doing
This is my new neighbor. He is JoJo.
You can see he am just a little guy and he is very very stupid!
I has a lot to teach him.
I know, I know. I is so busy and you is saying, “Shelby. I know you is the greatest dog in the world but where you going to find time to teaches somebody else?!?”
But look at him! Has you ever seen anybody so dumb! Except for David I sure never has, and this is a dog!
I has to help him and teach him real good.
So far I has taught him to play and I has taught him that David always has very good cookies in his pocket.
He learned about the cookies real real good!
I has a hard time teaching him that he is not a cat! He thinks that it am okay to go to the bathroom in the house!
I has taught JoJo so good that David gots me a good reward. It am a bone called the Sarge!
It is very delicious. Look how happy I is eating it!
You would think that if David loved me as much as he says he does he would want to see his dog that happy all the time and give me them good Sarge bones all the time!
Other than that I has been doctoring real good.
I has taken David on some good long walks.
I has not caught me a dinosaur yet but I has gotten some good scents! It will be just a matter of time let me tell you.
I has been making a great movie. It would be done by now but David keeps trying to help and you know what happens when David tries to helps you.
But I is good girl. I is always happy.
And that's it!
March 8, 2006
Oh, I has been so terrible busy!
I started out to tell you some of my great adventures. Like how I got to make everybody clean up the litter and garbage on the road where I work and how I got the man who buys the cans to give me an extra FOUR CENTS!! I know. I had made One Dollars and seventy two cents from the cans. Somebody buys the garbage I picks up! So why do peoples throws them on the road?
And then I was going to tells you how I took all that money I made and used that money to buy food for the dogs who hasn't got no people to take care of!
And then I was going to tells you all about my doctoring peoples and my lawyering for people and how I is going to teaches them kids to play football near as good as me.
But something happened!
You is never going to guess!
You gives up. I know you do.
What happened was I got bit by a snake!
I was out doing my chasing spiders and lizards job when I seed this silly looking lizard. It were silly cause it had no legs!
So I says to it, “Why, is you a lizard? Why you got no legs?”
And it said, “Hissssssssss.”
So I said, very polite cause I is always polite especially when I is planning to chase you. “Excuse me? Is you a lizard? If you is I is go to chase you. It am my job!”
And it just said, “Hissssssss.”
Then suddenly David yells out real loud, “Shelby!”
Now you can hear how stupid that am. He don't yell something smart like, “Shelby, come here!” or even something half smart like, “Shelby, stop!”
No stupid old David just yells, “Shelby!”
So like any good dog would do I looked at him and goes, “What!!” And just like that that snake reaches out and bites me!
I said, “Ouch!” and before i even had the “..ch!” out of my mouth stupid old David very rudely reaches over me and catches that old snake up and he won't lets go!
Then David scoops me up and he starts running! And he is running carrying me!!
I says to him, “David, this is very undignified for a dog! I can runs much faster than you!”
While he is running with me that snake am in his other hand and it is even madder than me!
It keeps going, “Hissssssss Hisssssss.” David has a hold on it's head so it were really going like, “Hiitttthhh.” But it were longer than me and it is like all tail and it keep trying to wrap it's tail, which is most of it, around David to chokes him or something.
Then lo and behold - do you like that - lo and behold - I heard that on TV and I think it is a very grand thing to say - lo and behold, we is at Dr Karen's but its not Dr Karen's no more cause she has gone off and had her baby that she did not name Shelby.
So we runs into the vets and a lady there takes one look at David and she yells, “COTTONMOUTH!!” And she jumps up on a chair.
I tries to tell her that, “No, that is David. He is not so beautiful as me but he is not that ugly, lady.” But then nurse Daniella comes out and before I can says hi, she takes me away from David and then this other doctor comes out and he says, “That is no cottonmouth, that is just a water snake!”
I tells the doctor, “That Water snake has bit me and I wasn't in no water either!”
He washed out where that old snake bit me. David says he let the snake go in the woods but I think David probably ate him for dinner!
I tried to tell everybody that there was nothing wrong but, well, we all know how silly David is.
I had to go see my patients today and I told them all about how silly David is.
We all thought it was very funny that the snake was trying to choke him!
I don't know why it am funny but it is.
March 1, 2006
I does so many things and still has more to do!
Most peoples don't know this but when you is as great as me you never has enough time to do everything!
I has so many little things to do: I has holes to dig, moles to chase, jokes to invent, games to invent, doctoring, lawyering. It is a terrible long list, but I just gets out there and does them and hardly never complains about it either.
Sometimes I is so great I can't barely believes it.
There am two important things to tell you while I has a tiny little piece of time.
I has found a new food! I did!
That is one way you people knows you is lucky cause I is out here always looking for new foods. That way you don't has to be out there eating all kinds of stupid stuff for yourself.
The food I founds is steaks!
I had some and it is equally delicious as ice cream!! I couldn't believe it either. But it is.
I is going to tell you a secret.
Dinosaurs taste exactly like steak ice cream!
That is why I is trying so hard to catch one!
Stupid David says, “Shelby, dinosaurs do not taste like ice cream, steaks or steak ice cream!”
So I says, “How do you know? You ever taste one!?!”
He got nothing to say to that let me tell you.
My other big thing to tell you I has forgot!
I has a super giant brain but I has so much stuff in there it am pretty easy to put something in the wrong place. You just pretend you has learned something amazing and then you will think you remember what I has said.
One thing is my gramma had an operation. It is very much likes the operation I has had I think. They must be going to clone her too!
I think that is pretty smart of them. They is thinking if this lady has raised the greatest dog in the world then if we have a lot more of her then we will have even more great dogs!
I can understand them thinking that but there am only one greatest dog in the world and that am me!
While I was talking to my gramma I has heard something terrible!
Now I has a pretty good brother named Jimmy and a okay sister named Laya. You may notice I never talks about my other brother.
You is right in what you is thinking. It am because he am crazy!
I know, I know. I is crazy too but I is the right kind of crazy!
When I tells you what my brother, Ballou has did you will say, “Oh NO!! Shelby saying you is telling me a joke!”
Its not no joke.
Ballou is trying to beats up my Uncle Hank!!
That makes me so mad I stomped my foot. Just then I stomped my foot!
Now this is just for Ballou to read. Ballou sees that picture? Remember that ball. That was your favorite toy, wasn't it. You always wanted to play with that ball.
But, hmmm, who am that beautiful dog lying in front of? Why, it am me!! Stop looking at the beautiful puppy. This am about the ball!
Now there's Ballou's favorite toy, but I can't see Ballou anywhere. Where could he be?
I bets you remember, don't you Ballou?
You has been beaten up and I has takes the ball for me to keep!!
And if you don't think I can still beats you up? I can drives now you know, and Ohio am not too far for a driving dog like me!
I think you understands what I is saying here Mr Ballou!