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June 25, 2006

Everybody keeps asking me stuff!

P623000A1Everybody is always saying, “Oh Shelby, how can I get a dog as great as you?!”

You can't!
I is Shelby and there is only one me!
But I can tell you people who is smart enough, and you is already pretty smart cause you is listening to what I has to say! See, scientifical logic that is!
You be really really smart and listen to me.
The first thing to having a great dog is training! Lots and lots of training. You has to learn to do EVERYTHING your dog says! When you has learned to do all that your dog teaches you that is step one!
Now the next most important thing is really the most important thing.
It am treats.
You has to give your dog plenty and plenty of treats. Here am why.
Treats make a dog feel gooder and when a dog is feeling gooder he knows more and more stuff cause he doesn't have to think about how much she is needing a treat! When she is not thinking about needing a treat she is going to think about great important things! Not as great as what I think about but pretty great.
P6230002 You should give your dog a treat first thing when she wakes up. See, this is because you is happy you has a dog to spend your day with.
Then you has to take your dog outside to go to the bathroom. You has to give her a treat then so that she can remembers she is not a cat!
When you comes inside you has to give your dog a treat to say thank you for coming in with you instead of going off and playing!
Then after you gives them breakfast they really deserves a treat for cleaning up their bowls so good! If they don't cleans up their bowls real good you must give them 2 treats in a row to make up for giving them a terrible breakfast!
If they is a working dog like me you has to give them a treat when they is driving your car. It is a lot of work driving, we has to think really really hard. So then you just keeps giving her treats cause she is working so hard at driving.
Is you starting to get the picture?
Every time she is not bad you has to give your dog a treat!
Like if a stranger walks by and they bites him, they gets a treat for protecting you AND if they don't bites him they gets a treat for not being mean!
It is your important job to notice every time your dog is not being bad girls!
In the day a dog deserves 16 or a kajillion treats! That may seems like a lot but does you want to be cheap like stingy David or do you wants a great dog!
Of course you wants a great dog like me!
Now for treats here is a good list!

Vanilla Ice Cream
Cheeseburgers
Strawberry Ice Cream
Liver Treats
Sirloin Tips
Frosty Paws
Cookies
Frozen Yogurt
Grilled Cheese Sandwiches
PIZZA!!

These am all good treats. You should start with the first one and then keeps going through the list and when you gets to the end starts all over again at the beginning!
Your dog will be so happy and isn't that's what's important? And when they is happy they will be nearly as great as me.
They may even tell you a good joke!
See how serious I looks. I'm not joking now let me tell you!
P623000A2

Posted by Shelby at 6:39 PM | Comments (1)

June 18, 2006

Boys is so stupid!

P6150002-1 And I is never having me another bath. This bath was so mean and scrubbed me right down to my skin so I is telling you I is clean enough to last FOREVER!
And look at me. I know I is always so beautiful but does this bath make me more beautiful? How can it!
When you is already the most beautiful thing in the world you can't gets even MORE beautiful.
There is not enough beauty sticks to measure how beautiful I is already so I can't be more beautiful!
That am logic. And since I is a famous scientist I uses logic and that am a quid quo pro e plurubus unum!
See that am scientist talk that means, I has said this and I is smarter than you so that am all there is too say!“

Yesterday I went with David and Patrick. They was going to play guitars and I was going to teach them to sing beautiful like me.
There was another dog there. His name was Jed.
I beats Jed up real good so that we could be friends. I chased him but when it was his turn to chase me he just lay down like a big old clump! I went and stood on him and teased him real good but he wouldn't chase me!
He is a boy dog!
Boys is so stupid! Qua quo pro unum plurbus. That means ALL BOYS!
I is 13 months old now so you know I knows what I is talking about!

Posted by Shelby at 10:36 PM | Comments (1)

June 11, 2006

I is so great., so nice and so humble. I is Shelby!

P6040004 I is here to tell you how busy I has been.
Oh I has been terrible terrible busy. See, I is a doctor, a working dog, a scientist and now I is something else!
I think I should tell you I is sometimes a mad scientist! You people can get me awful mad sometimes! Most of the time though I is just a great scientist.
P6040001 Sometimes I has to be a lawyer dog, especially when I explaining stuff to David. I is a lawyer but I only works pro bono. Pro bono am lawyer talk and it means I works for dog cookies!
Last time I went to be a doctor my friend Patrick come with me. I has heard that music is a very good medicine so I figured I would have Patrick and David play their guitars.
They is very good guitar players and my patients thought that they were very good too, but then they started to sing!
IT WERE AWFUL! I got up and looked right into David's mouth cause I thinks some terrible monster has sneaked in there and was making all that terrible noise!
P5020008So I had to save the day again!
I just liften my head up and I made the most beautiful noise! Everybody just stopped and looked at me cause I was singing so beautiful. I don't know what song David and Patrick was playing but I was singing, “I wishes I had a pork chop cause I is always so hungry”. It is a very beautiful song. I has wrote it just then!
Now I has another stupid job!
AND I is writ my new movie! It am called “How To Beat Ups A Dinosaur!” It is very educational!
Since I is talking about Dinosaurs I has to tell you about Wilbur. Wilbur says I has not caught a real dinosaur.
I know. I know.
See I is now a scientist and I looks at things a little different. I uses scientifical science to explain things to people instead of just biting they butts.
P5240012Now doubting Wilbur say THIS am not a dinosaur!!
We has to look at this like we is all scientists.
Hmm, it do not look like a stupid cat, do it? No.
It do not look like a handsome dog, do it? No.
It sure don't look like Wilbur I can tell you that!
P4150003I guess that pretty much proves scientifical that it looks like a dinosaur.
I has gone to consult with my fellow scientist Honey. That am honey. She is giving some good advice to Nurse Christy.
I has asked Honey, “Honey, do you thinks that I has discovered a dinosaur?”
Honey says, “Shelby, anything that big can only be a dinosaur!”
And Nurse Christy she agrees!
So that makes THREE experts who think it must be a dinosaur! So it looks like a dinosaur and three experts say it must be a dinosaur.
I don't think they is any more to say about it!

Posted by Shelby at 8:56 PM | Comments (2)