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August 22, 2006

You people needs to listen gooder!

P8150004The other day I has discovered a delicious new food.

Sausage gravy and biscuits! It were all creamy and smelled like grease! Some very nice person left it for me on the ground.
This was a very nice person who is probably very nice to they dogs.
I was smelling this delicious treat and just about to take a big bite when - WHOOSH - I is picked up! ME! A big girl like me just picked up!
By David of course.
He says, �Shelby! You can't eat that! You is on a diet!�
At first I just says, �A DIET!?!� but then I calms down. See, being a doctor I learns stuff like this: When you is talking to a crazy person you has to be really really calm.
So I says, �Um, David? Why does you think I is on a diet?�
�Because Doctor Karen says you weigh too much!�
You notice David did not say I was fat. That am because he knows how mad I can get. When I gets mad it is a terrible terrible thing. You would be very scared if you ever saw me gets mad!
Saying I is fat am a very good way to get me mad!
Then I says, �David? Think very carefully. Is that really what Doctor Karen said?�
He right away says yes!
Now I knows I has got him!

P8150002�David. Isn't what she said more like �David, you has to give beautiful Shelby more exercise?' Isn't that what she really said?�

He has to tell the truth to his dog so he says, �Yes. She said that.�
�She didn't say nothing about no diet now did she?� I says this very sweetly!
�No. But she said you had to lose weight!� he admitted.
�She said you has to give me more exercise. And that means playing with me more. Right? So if I is a little overweight then it am all your fault and you all should stop picking on me!!�
Then I hits him with good logic, �And how can I be on a diet when I is already ALWAYS hungry?�
While he was thinking about that I runs over to the gravy and biscuits but somebody had picked them up off the ground! They is probably going going to give thems to some poor starving dog. I has to tell them I is very poor and I is always starving!

I has been coaching football. I is a something like a genius at football. It is very hard work for some people. I don't know why. All you has to do is tell them to runs faster and do that better and scores them touchdowns!
The hardest part about coaching is standing around and pretending to be interested in whatever it is they is doing. David holds a little clip board. I figure he is playing tic tac toe on it.
I always takes my football cause it is good and soft and you can squeaks it when you is scoring a touchdown! I always scores a touchdown cause I is so great!

Posted by Shelby at 10:46 AM

August 2, 2006

I has been given another medal!

P7260001 On Friday David says to me, �Shelby it is time for you to go see Doctor Karen. You needs a check up!�
Now I likes Doctor Karen and Nurse Daniella and Nurse Christie but they has been known to pokes a dog in its butt!
IT is so true!
And they has been known to sneaks a dog into the bath!
You is thinking, �Shelby! If they is that sneaky why do you likes them?!?�
I just has a kind and forgiving nature! I is just likes that; kind, forgiving beautiful.
P7270003 You really is so lucky you is my friend.
So we goes to the veterinarian and everybody is so happy to see me. Of course they is. They gets to see good dogs all day long but they is only one Shelby! Sometimes they even has to look at cats!
I feels so sorry for them when they has to see mean old cats.
After everybody says hi they tries to pet me. I has to tell them, �Not now. David is here and he gets jealous!�
So we go into this room to wait for Doctor Karen. That is a picture of me waiting.
You can see how brave I is. I isn't even scared of getting my butt poked!
I is thinking about it but I isn't scared of it let me tell you!
When Doctor Karen comes in she says, �Hello Doctor Shelby! You're so beautiful!�
I is very professional and says, �Good afternoon Doctor. How are you today?� just like I really cared! �Are you carrying any butt poking tools with you. You might want to throw them out cause they is unsanitary!�
I was thinking I could fool her!
She weighed me and says, �Doctor Shelby. You weighs 68 pounds! You will have to get more exercise!�
Right away I says, �That am David's fault. He got me fired from my job! You had better try them unsanitary butt poking tools on him!�
Then She goes and listens to my heart. I is working real hard to make my heart tell her a pretty good joke!
P7270006 I tells her this one: �Why did the dog cross the room?�
Doctor Karen says, �Why did the dog cross the room, Doctor Shelby?�
�So someone who says they is you friend won't pokes them in the butt!�
You can see she didn't think that were very funny even if it is true.
Then she poked me in my butt!
I stood still for it but I told her, �I is very disappointed in you Doctor. You should just tell by looking that I is perfect!�
Then they poked me in my foot and stole some of my blood! David says this is to see if I gots worms and then they is going to keep a record of my blood! I think they will keep it in a museum so that people can come and go, �Oooo, isn't that great blood!�
Then, I couldn't believe it! Doctor Karen stuck me in my back with a needle!! She did!
P7270009 See, right there she does it! That is photographic proof in case I has to sue her! I is a lawyer you know and can do that if I gets really mad at somebody!
You know you can't sue cats!
You know why?
Cause they don't have nothing you'd want! That's why!
I got another shot and they squirted the medicine right up my nose!
I is a doctor so I figured out that they shot it up my nose so it would get to my brain faster! It were brain medicine to make me even smarter!
It is hard to believe that I could get even smarter but maybe I can.
I is already too beautiful so maybe I can gets too smart!
And then they gived me a medal. It is all gold. I can't see it to good my own self. Doctor Karen says I gets to wear it for THREE YEARS!
I understands people. It am my medal for being the greatest dog in the world. But you people always want to waits around and see if a even greater dog comes around!
It won't. I is always going to be the greatest!

Posted by Shelby at 12:48 AM