March 25, 2007
I is going to be a great psychiatrist!
On Sunday Noelle went to her first party by herself!
She was going to meet people who might take her to her forever home!
This was very important for Noelle. Very important. So I gived her some advice.
I said whatever you do don't let them see you like you really are! You has to lie to them people so they don't know what you is really like!
I know what you is saying! You is saying, “Shelby! How could you! You shouldn't tell Noelle to lie! She has to be herself! She shouldn't try and trick people!”
I is studying psychology. Noelle still has a lot of cat in her. You know how cats is. They never does anything you tells them! Oh, they is ornery things. They growls when they is happy and laughs and hisses when they is mad!
As I psychiatrist I has invented what I call cat psychology!
When you wants a cat to do something you tells them to do the exact opposite of what you wants them to do! Then they ends up doing just what they should be doing.
It is a very difficult idea and you is probably not smart enough to understand it. I was telling Noelle to be honest and to be herself! In a way the cat part of her brain would understand!
I is a genius.
Hi! This is your reporter her royal majesty the Princess Noelle!
I am going to tell you stuff. It is very important stuff too. Very very important.
I went to a party. It were a party for me. There were other dogs there but it were a party for me. I know it!
See I got to wear a special royal collar and all the other dogs saw it and they all wanted to wear one too!
Of course they did. They all wanted to look as beautiful as me!
See the collar there. It had magic spells on it. It said: “Please Adopt Me”. I am not sure what that means but isn't that the way it is with all magic spells?
See that little guy there? He was wearing one of my collars so I said to him, I said “If you wants to wear one of my magic collars you has to let me smell your butt!”
Of course he let me!
Then this guy over here says, “Are you really Princess Noelle?”
I said, “Of course I am!”
To prove it I told him a joke! It is dirty joke about a cat who falls into a mud puddle!
Oh, we laughed and laughed!
See that dog behind he was all jealous cause he wanted to be my boyfriend too and have me tell him jokes and stuff!
This guy here was very stuck up!
He said to me, “If you want to look at me you have to give me money! I am the Donation Dog! That is why I get to wear the special Donation Dog Coat!”
I said, “I don't have any money but I am still going to look at you!”
He thought about it some then said, “That is okay but don't tell anybody! I have to make a lot of money so I can feed them poor dogs who is not as lucky as us!”
I used to be a poor dog so I said it was a deal.
Now I know why Shelby says boys are crazy!
This little boy kept attacking me!
Three times he attacked me! Just like you see him doing here. Two times I just beat him up real good.
You know Shelby and I watch wrestling. The Rock is our hero. We likes wrestling cause they have good ways of beating you up. We like all the yelling they do too.
The last time this boy attacked me I shouted real loud, “Do you smell what Noelle is cooking!?!” Then I just beat him up real good!
He was my friend after that.
I spent the rest of the day making sure everybody petted me.
If I don't get a forever house real quick I will go to another party.
I had fun!
March 16, 2007
Everyday is a party when I'm around!
I had a big party on Sunday.
Oh. Everybody was there. If you wasn't it am all your fault cause you was invited!
It am so much work doing a party. It were terrible. But I is a dog and I is a girl dog. Parties is something we just does greater than anybody!
That is just a tiny part of being great. Having a great parties.
It were a lot of work though!
First you has to invite everybody! It am more fun thinking about who not to invite! I had me a lot of fun telling Noelle that maybe there wouldn't be enough room for a dog who thinks it am a cat!
That straightened her up right away! David is always trying to teach Noelle stuff. He just doesn't understand that we don't pay no attention to him unless we wants a cookie or our tummies rubbed! But just like that I taught Noelle that she is a dog and not a cat.
Noelle was so afraid of not going to the party she went to the bathroom just like a dog: OUTSIDE!
Every time she did her business she'd come running up to me and say, “See Shelby, I is a dog! So I gets to go to the party! Right?”
I had to invite my friend Freckles.
That am her up there. I made a fancy picture of her cause she is very good at laughing at my jokes! She had to come.
And I had to invites my old friend Jasmine!
That am her. -->
And you see who that am standing right next to Jasmine?
It am JACK!
You remember I told you how hard it was for me to teach Jack?
It were terrible. He is a boy, after all.
Jack now has him a forever home! Just like I told him.
As his teacher it am my job to make sure he has not gone back to being stupid!
Us girls know how easy it am for boys to be stupid!
I had to make sure Jack am taking good care of his people and that he is having them gives him good treats and stuff!
Jack says he is starting to love them very much.
I could see that. When he weren't off being a stupid boy he was always hangings around them and making sure they gived him good cookies.
I know some of it was because I was watching him but some of it was because he loves them and his new forever home.
The rest of the party was so hard.
I had to ask David to brings the treats and you know how lazy and stingy he is!
I says, “David, we has o have very good treats at this party. Everybody knows that good food makes the best party gooder!”
“Sure Shelby, I know what to bring?” he said.
“ICE CREAM AND PIZZA!!!” I was so excited because everybody knows ice cream and pizza is the best party food you can have!
“No Shelby. I can't bring ice cream to the dog park!”
I was stunned. I just stood there with my mouth open. A little drop of water rolled off my tongue and hit the floor.
“No ice cream?” I said real soft and scared.
“No. Its too hard and too expensive. The ice cream would melt!” the stingy lazy thing said!
“Pizza?” I said real soft. “I'll just bring plenty of our good treats from Jimmy!”
So now I has to worry about my party being a bust because I has no ice cream! All good dogs loves they ice cream. You should remember that so that if you ever has a party you remembers to pass out lots of ice cream.
So I was real real worried. Us dogs like to talk a lot and when somebody has a bad party we'll talk about it for days!
I sure didn't want them dogs talking about me!
Then when we gets there they is so many good dogs but then I sees they is all kinds of people I HAS NEVER SEED BEFORE! All I could think was that them peoples could be bad peoples and they will hit David upside his head and steal that bag of treats! Then my party would be really really ruined!
I went up to every single person there and I smiled at them real nice and said, “Don't you even thinks of stealing my treats! They is for the dog party!”
But most of them people don't even knows how to talk dog at all! Can you believe it! They is at a dog party but they don't know how to talks dog!
I had to be worried the whole time. I had to keep checking David and being a hostess, making sure everybody mingled and has a good time. Very important stuff.
Noelle kept running up to me and saying, “Looks! I has a new boy friend!” And she did. I has taught her my beauty secrets so of course all the boys wanted to get friendly!
Jack helped a lot. He kept making up good party games.
He made up some pretty good chasing games and some pretty goods beating up games.
I was pretty proud of him. He remembered a lot more than I thought a stupid boy could.
I probably is a great teacher!
Everybody had them a pretty good time.
Even me but I were exhausted!
Next time I has a party I is sure not inviting David!!
He was terrible bad behaved and nearly ruined everything.
All the dogs can come. They behaved perfect. Even Noelle!
March 6, 2007
THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I HAS EVER SEED!
<-- Look at that. Isn't that beautiful?
I couldn't believe it. It am the most beautiful thing.
I is not the greatest artist in the world. If you takes into account my beautiful singing I is probably only the 2nd or third greatest artist, but I knows great art when I sees it.
That belongs in a museum!
Of course dumb David is drinking COFFEE outs of it!!
They would calls him a Philistine! I heard that on TV. I am pretty sure that is fancy talk for poopis head!
Great art like this and he drinks coffee outs of it. I is shaking my head in case you can't tell. You should be shaking your head too and saying, “David. You do not drink coffee out of great art!”
I has been studying this. It is important to study things like this so you can figure out why it am so great. I know this cause people is always looking at me.
I think it has a nice shape. It is very very round. Round is good.
It is hard so it won't wears out real fast. That is good.
Now those are good things. Good is good but good is not great.
Then I figures it out.
It is so great becasue it has pictures of me all over it!!
Oh there are pictures of Jimmy on it too but the other pictures of me are so great that it is okay to put his old boy face on it too!
I has explained to David that great art is very valuable.
It is really!
If we ever gets so broke we can't buy me anymore kibbles we could sell this. I bet we could get a kajillion nickels for it!
I don't think we should sell it though.
It is even better than a helicopter!
You knows how bad I needs a helicopter so now you know how valuable great art is!
<-- That there am a picture of me keeping an eye on my old students!
That's right: JACK!!
That am Jack in his forever home.
He is very smug isn't he?
He is very happy becasue he now has people to protects and good food and look at his beautiful bed!
I wish I had me a beautiful bed like that. I has to share my bed with David and he steals all the covers!
I did a very good job teaching Jack stuff. Very good.
Sunday we has a play date! I will teaches him again how to get beats up good.
I bet he hasn't been beats up good in AGES!
I is s still trying to teach Noelle stuff.
I don't know. I don't know.
It is a good thing I is a genius or I'd just gives up! She does not know how to behave at all!
You know I will teach her.
She is so crazy that when I is just beating her up and beating her up she says she has won!
What I can't believe is that David gives her treats!
David says, “SIT!”
Noelle just kind of looks around and then MAYBE she sits down and maybe not.
I sits down right away but do I gets a treat?
No, but Noelle does!!
I even says, “David. You has made a mistake, I think. You notice I is sitting. Shouldn't I get the treat?”
And David says, “STAY!” and I stops what I is doing and just stays. I stays so perfect you would probably cry seeing me stay so perfect. Noelle kind of wanders around, looks at the birds and kind of maybe sits. AND THEN SHE GETS A TREAT AND I DON'T!
David is crazy!