May 30, 2007
Another reason I is a super genius!
I knows you doesn't need very much more proof but you is going to get it anyway!
I is a genius!
All week long I has been going crazy! I is so popular and everybody wants to come visits me!
There was this little guy. He was visiting across the street from my house. Oh he was yapping and yapping. He wanted me to be his friend!
I was looking at him and I was thinking he sure is cheese colored! I mean he looks like a big piece of cheese!
He is little for a dog but he is just about the right size for a piece of cheese!
Then I was watching Freckles beating up J-Dog in MY back yard! I was noticing that J-Dog is awfully cheese colored her ownself!
All this thinking about cheese was getting me mighty hungry!
Cheese am my favorite food! Except for ice cream cheese am my very favorite food.
So I was thinking and watching and thinking about how hungry I was.
One thing I thought was, “Wouldn't it be great if there was a crunchy crispy cheese! That would be so delicious!”
And then I had my genius thinkings!
I said, “David. We is going to cook something!”
David could see I was very serious so he didn't give me any of his usual stupid lazy stuff. He just got hisself into that kitchen!
I needed David cause I had to turn on the stove. I is not big enough to turn on the stove myself. So if you makes my recipe you makes sure that you has an adult there. I know how stupid most adults are but they is very smart when it comes to fires and stoves! It is one of the things they is actually good for!
First thing I done was to get two pieces of bread. I was thinking just one piece but then I figures it would be twice as crispy with two and then, well you'll see!
Then i tells david to put 16 pieces of cheese on one pice of that bread! He said, “Shelby, you can only use two.” This is so great that it were delicious even with David messing up my recipe!
Then I puts the one piece of bread on top of the cheese, so you has two pieces of bread with a whole lot of cheese in the middle!
I bet your mouth is all drooly all ready! Then you heats up a frying pan. This is when you need David.
When the pan is hot you puts the whole thing in the pan on one of the bread sides!
I is excited just thinking about it. See, then I tells David to take a big presser downer thing and mash that sandwich down real hard.
Know why? Because when cheese is in my mouth it gets all gooey! I has figured out that cheese will get all gooey in between the bread when it is on fire! When you squishes it real hard then all that gooey good cheese spreads out even more!!
And it should make the bread skinnier so it will be crunchier!
Then you use the press downer thing to turn the sandwich over and does it all over again!
Then you puts it on a plate and you has this!
Isn't that beautiful! Then you gives it to me!!
And I eats it. If I isn't there I guess you could eats it. It is very delicious.
I calls it Burned Bread and Gooey Cheese ala Shelby!
You could make this yourself but if you steals my recipe to make this delicious food you owes me a nickel!
Thats what it costs to use my recipe!
If you doesn't see me and you is saving me up a whole big bag of nickels you could take them nickels and buys food for them poor dogs.
It is worth it! This sandwich is worth a lot more than a nickel let me tell you!
I is just such a genius.
My brother Jimmy am coming Sunday.
I am going to beat him up!
May 26, 2007
You is probably wondering why I has taked so long to tell you this
See when David said we was going on the dog walk on Saturday I naturally thinks that means I is going to give a speech and then walks around shakes hands with all the dogs!
I even wroted me a great speech. “Hello girl dogs, ladies and the rest of you who are all poopis heads cause you is not girls or ladies. I is Shelby, but you probably already knows that. We is here today to helps out them poor dogs who don't gots good homes and enough good foods to eat.”
You can tell that were going to be a great speech.
That is me up there practicing.
I figures all them dogs would be sitting up there and they'd be cheering for me like it were a football game!
That's not what it were at all!
It were a race!!
We all know that people, especially old people and especially boy people am not as smart as you and especially me!
People thinks a dog walk is something silly.
What they think is that you goes out and walks your dog and then people gives you money for doing it!
I know. O os shaking my head.
Now Stephanie, who is Jack's mom, who is a girl and who tooks some of these pictures, the gooder pictures cause she AM A GIRL photo getter, she went out and started a racing team. And guess what?
She got people to give her $250!!!!
Can you believes that!
I can see her talking to people: “I am going to walk a dog so give me money!”
“No! I am a mean old guy and I don't care about dogs with no places to live and with no good foods!”
The Stephanie would say, “You have to give me money. Jack is walking with me!”
“Oh, if Jack is coming I will give you a little money.”
Then Stephanie would say, “And Shelby is part of my racing team!”
“Shelby! The Shelby!! Why then I will give you all my money!”
I'll bet that's how she did it! Two hundred and fifty dollars! I still can't believe it!
They said that the whole race got $86,000! I don't know how much that is but I bet that is not as much as $250! There can't be that much money in the whole world!
See them dogs up there. I think they were a gang and trying to get some of that money for theyselves!
I could be wrong but what if I'm not!
Look, even J-dog was pretty excited about all that money.
When I thinks about it J-Dog is always pretty excited about just about anything!
There was thousands of peoples there and even more dogs.
All them people was thinking they was going to has a nice little dog walks but us dogs all knows this were a terrible important race. See these big dogs, they was giving each other big pep talks. I knowed they was all planning on how to beat me. Everybody knows I is a great racing dog.
And dumb old David was just walking around talking to EVERYBODY!
He is so stupid! All these dogs is saying, “David, we is going to bite your butt!” He just kept walking and smiling all stupid.
I had to stay close to him cause I had to protect him.
Them dogs knows that they can't beat me up so they was all trying to get David into a fight. They knows that if David isn't there I could lose the race on a technicality! I know its not fair but it were people who figured all this stuff out! Sides, do you know how hard it is to race when you is dragging a butt bit David along!!
Even this little guy was smart enough to figure that out! See how he is keeping his butt protected! But not old David!
Then when the race starts David says we has to take J-Dog too!
Then to makes it even worse he makes us start dead last!
AT THE VERY BACK!
They was even dogs practicing running but David makes us start at the back!
I knew I was going to haves me a lot of work dragging David AND J-Dog but I also knowed there was no way I was losing this race! Just look at me racing. You can see I is going to win!
See all them people in front of me. Just you wait a couple minutes and then you'll see something!
All thems people that was in front am now behind me!!
Some of them dogs was yelling, “GO SHELBY! GO!”
They knows they couldn't win so they wanted me to win.
They is very smart!
Then you know what.
I got there's the very firstest and all them dogs had to look at my butt as I was winning almost all the time!
Look at poor Jack! He wanted to win so bad!
I got stuff for winning!
I got a tennis ball! And a tee shirt and a new food bowl that am way too small for a big dog like me. And cookies and ICE CREAM!
All Jack got was his neckerchief. That am a pretty good prize though. I is thinking I should have got me one of them too but you know, I was with David.
And just look at me. I is so tired from racing but I is still just so beautiful!
Now I is going to show you something wonderful!
It could have been great but they took the picture while I was busy winning!
It am a picture of “The Canine Crew”! That is my racing team.
I wanted to call us “Fangs Of Black Death” but they said somebody already had that name, or something.
Anyway here am a picture of all the dogs who was racing with me.
There am Fenna and Jack and that am Teddy trying to get seen behind Jack who am a real picture stealing dog! And then they is two dogs who I was going so fast I never got to meet proper! They is people in the pictures too. I think they probably has names.
I only know Jack's mom and dad real good. If you is guessing they is the ones who looks real happy to have a good dog like Jack you is right!
So you can see that last week was very busy for a dog.
I had a birthday and I was a champion racing dog and I still had to go doctor my patients and teach J-Dog not to be so crazy!
And now I has to take care of even more dogs this weekend!
I is always so busy!
It am a good thing I is so great or I'd never get anything done!
May 17, 2007
Oh what a beautiful birthday I has had!
Of course since it were my birthday you know it had to be beautiful!
It were so great I hardly even noticed that cheap old David didn't get me nothing!
The best thing I got was my birthday cake!
I made it myself!
I bet you is looking at that picture and you has big drools coming out of your mouth!
I call it Pizza ala Shelby. That am fancy talk for “THAT IS MY PIZZA”.
It were so very delicious. It has a secret ingredient.
That way it am hot and then it am cold. And it is so delicious!
David turned on the oven and I stood there being a genius and says, “David, it will need some extra cheese!”
You notice i didn't says, “I think it needs extra cheese.” See, I comes out and just says what I KNOWS it needs.
You can do that when you is a genius
That am me eating it!
You can't be jealous cause you couldn't have had any anyway. It am Pizza ala Shelby, that means it is all mine!
Then I went to the hospital to see my patients. I walked in and everybody yells “SURPRISE!”
How silly is that? How can I be surprised when I already knows it am my birthday!
But that wasn't the end of it.
You remember Jack? JACK IS MY FRIEND HE IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND! So stop asking me! He sent me a birthday card!
I know! I couldn't believe it!
It has to be all that good teaching I done!
He sent me a card and was talking about baths and stuff.
I NEVER WANT TO TALK ABOUT BATHS!
Here am the proof!
I does not know why Jack am wearing a dress.
I will be seeing Jack this Saturday. We is going to take a walk so that people will know to take care of all them poor dogs out there! There will be THOUSANDS of dogs there.
I will probably have to make a speech. I is practicing!
Jack will be there too, so I will beat him up a little but he is not my boyfriend!
And then the best present I got was from my brother Jimmy!
You see what it am?
IT AM A DRAGON!
You might has been fooled and been thinking it were a dinosaur.
I is an expert on dinosaurs. I has one for a pet remember.
So I can say without doubt that this is not a dinosaur. It am a dragon!
You has to be an expert to figure them things out. You is not an expert so you will just has to take my word for it.
That am a dragon!
You can tell cause it am littler than a dinosaur and it also has little wings! Some dinosaurs does has wings but when this kind does it makes it a dragon!
I know this am technical but pay attention. I is teaching you stuff here!
You would look pretty silly if a dragon come to your house and you was to go around yelling, “There's a dinosaur at the front door!”
People would look at you and say to themselves, “She should have listened to Shelby!”
You has to learn to tell the difference!
I has made a movie. One I has made so you can see J-Dog being silly!
This am that one.
Isn't J-Dog silly!!
I is still laughing!
You also hear the noise that dragon am making?
That am another way to be sure that am no dinosaur. Dinosaurs go "Haroooonk!" Dragons go "BLAAAAP!"
Now you is in for a real treat.
The best present I got was J-Dog saying she would play kong with me ALL DAY!
She kept her promise and boy was she ever sorry she did!
She tried her bestet but she was terrible!
Of course playing kong with me you is always going to look terrible.
I am the greatest dog in the world.
I is going to have another birthday real soon.
My birthdays is GREAT!
May 14, 2007
IT IS SHELBY DAY!
This am the greatest day of the year!
It is my birthday! You know what makes it so great. You has to be nice to me! And you has to give me presents and I don't have to give you nothing! That makes it even BETTER than Christmas!
David tried to take a picture of me having my birthday ice cream. If David thinks I is going to stop eating my ice cream just so he can takes my picture than he is - I better not say. I hasn't got all my presents yet if you knows what I mean!
You know what I is going to get?
It is very good pizza. It cost a dollar!
Does you know how many nickels they is in a dollar? Me either but I figure it is enough for a helicopter. I had to think real hard. “Does I want a helicopter or does I want pizza?”
Okay, I didn't have to think too hard. I loves pizza.
Not only is it the best pizza but then David and I we makes it all better by putting extra special stuff on it.
It is too bad it is not big enough to share. If you was to come by and brings me a present I could maybe gives you a little bite.
A good present to brings me would be ANOTHER PIZZA!
I has already got some good presents! Ben, Robin and Blue sent me a mobile phone! I didn't know what it was at first but then it rings JUST LIKE DAVID'S! It is a very good phone. I just talks and talks into it. I can't hear what anybody else is saying though. That is okay. I doesn't like to listen too good anyway. I just likes to talk at it!
Jack gived me a picture of him in his forever home sleeping real lazy with his pal!
Only a boy would sends a picture of hisself! I is pretty glad he is happy. I would be gladder if he was happy and he sent me some ice cream!
And my student Nori has sent me a present. She says I can try and bites her butt!!
Nori, I is teaching you so I will teaches you this. If I tries to bite your butt it am as good as bit!
That is your lesson on my birthday! You doesn't has to pay me either!
My brother Jimmy says he is coming to visit me!
He says he is trying to catch us a sheep for us to have on our birthday.
Now, Jimmy is my brother so he has some good points. But Jimmy is a boy.
All I is saying is I don't figure either him or me will be playing with no sheep on our birthday.
David says it am the thought that counts. This is true. I is thinking I sure would like me an ice cream sheeps for my birthday!
J-Dog says that she is a poor dog and has no money to gets me anything. She says she tried to catches me a rabbit that was playing in my back yard but it escaped.
She says she will play kong with me all day! Kong is my favorite game, she says.
I tells her that ice cream am my favorite game! And pizza am my second favorite!
But it am the thought that counts. So I was thinking J-Dog should have gots her a job and gots me some ice cream!
So now I is two years old. Two long years.
Not only has I gotten greater everyday I has gotten wiser! Yes, I has so much wisdom. Even David notices it. Almost every day he says, “Shelby, you sure are a wise guy.”
I has done a lot in the last year. I has helped four dogs find they forever homes! I has gived 500 pounds of food to poor dogs who got no homes. I paid for that food collecting cans and other garbage real bad people throws on my street! I takes them in and people gives me money!
I has seed my patients and taught them good games and lets them pet me. I has become a great doctor, a great lawyer, a great teacher, and I is almost ready to be a great psychologist dog!
I is just so great.
Tomorrow I goes to see my patients and I is going to have ANOTHER birthday party with them. That is like having TWO birthdays!
They better have ice cream.
I think I is forgetting something.
I still loves David.
He is still a lemon.
May 11, 2007
Everybody is so mean to me!
And I hasn't did anything to be mean to me for!
I is such a good girl who always does what she's told and I never begs for food or nothing really bad! Just cause I is always so nice to every body and hardly ever bites enough peoples in they butts everyone thinks they can be mean to me!
“Lets go be mean to Shelby! She is a good girl and won't bite out butts if we are mean to her!” I know you is all saying that. Everybody is just so mean.
It all started when this lady showed up.
She sure fooled me. I thought she was nice!
She comed right up to my house and you know what she had?
She came to my house with her house! She did!
She had this house that were on wheels and she dragged it along behind her car!
I was talking to her about this. I thought this was very smart. I thought it was so smart I couldn't believes that I didn't invents it first!
I told her, “You is pretty smart lady. You can go places and no matter where you goes you is already at home!”
I likes that. I thought I has to talk David into putting my house on wheels and then he can takes me where ever I wants to go. Of course he has to put my yards on the house to. I'm not going no place without my yard!
I pretty much liked this lady, at first. She spoke pretty good doggish and she told me her name was Kim.
I said, “Hello Kim. I is Shelby. You has probably heard of me. I is very famous!”
Then old snoopy J-Dog come snooping around going, “What you doing? What you doing? You getting cookies?”
Then Kim says, “Oh, you're J-Dog? I'll start with you. You're such a cute little thing!”
I thought that were pretty funny! J-Dog - CUTE!!
Then Kim played a pretty good joke. She gived J-Dog a bath. She did. Kim took J-Dog into her house and she just plopped her into the water and she started scrubbing!
I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe!
Kim just scrubbed and scrubbed and J-Dog kept saying, “I is clean! I rolled in some stuff today! You is taking all my good smells away!”
It were so funny!
And J-Dog looked so sad. I couldn't help but laugh. I yelled at her, “J-Dog you smells like a flower!” and, “Kim, Kim you missed a spot on her butt!”
I was having a real good time let me tell you!
And then she tied J-Dog to a giant vacuum cleaner and just started brushing her and brushing her!
It were the funniest thing I ever seed and I has seen some pretty funny things.
Then J-Dog runs into my house yelling, “I smells terrible! Help me! I don't want to smell like no flower!”
I just kept laughing and laughing.
Then Kim says, “Okay Shelby, your next!”
I just stopped and said, “Huh?!?”
Then the next thing I know Kim and David, you remember David who is supposed to me my friend? Well, he and Kim put me into this big tub and Kim gived me a bath!
Oh it was terrible. It is a good thing I is so brave. She poured boiling water all over me! And acid!
Look at that picture of me. I bet you is crying real hard thinking, “Poor Shelby! You is so good to everybody and this is the thanks you get!”
See I is being tortured but I is always just so brave.
See there. I is even trying to smile. Has you ever seed anything braver in your whole life. I mean anything as brave as me!
What a great dog I is. What a girl!
Then she went to tie me up in front of this big noisy oven! She was trying to cook me! She was!
And I yelled, “David! Help! She is trying to cooks your dog!”
And David comes running into the little house and I is thinking I is rescued!
You can see how tortured I was. I was thinking David was going to rescue me!
I says, “David! She is trying to cook me and she is trying to make my tough hard muscles all soft by cutting them up with razors!”
So you know what David did?
You is thinking, “If that were me Shelby I would have swooped in on my secret agent rope and scooped you up. Thrown down a smoke bomb and then we could have escaped!”
See, now that is a good plan!
Since that is such a good plan you know what. David did exactly not that.
You know what David did?
He took my picture.
That is what David the hero did.
He took my picture.
So I had my bath.
I went inside and I was so mad.
Then David says, “Hey, the house sure smells better now that you guys are all clean!”
I thought this: “Well, yes it is certainly worth torturing your dog and blinding her with acid so that your little nose that can't smell nothing noways can be happy!”
That's what I thought let me tells you!
Then Kim came in.
I walked right up to her! See, when people is mean to you you can never let them see if you is afraid.
Kim petted me on my head and said, “You were very good big girl!”
I just stared at her. And now I is plotting my revenge!
May 9, 2007
J-Dog did not bite me in my butt!
Them is angry eyes!
I can't believes you think that J-Dog could bite ME in the butt!
You is all watching that movie all wrong! David made a bad movie is what I is thinking!
What you saw was me strategizing! I just let J-Dog think she could bit me in my butt and then I turned around and laid the smack down on her!
I did so!
I is so mad. I is going to figure out how to get even with all you guys. And maybe takes me a nap.
While I is doing that I will let J-Dog tells her adventures to you.
I was the donation dog!
Even Shelby has to admit I look pretty darn good in my uniform!
This was a big special event for National Shelter Pet Week and they said to themselves, “We need the best darn Donation Dog we can find!”
This is a very important job. So very important they decided that only I could do it.
I had to collect money so that they could help poor dogs like I used to be.
Here's how I did it!
I walked right up to the people and said, “You better give me money or I might get mad and bite you!”
It worked pretty good too. I got 9 whole dollars! You can even see the money in my picture.
I worked very hard but then the bosses came and said, “You can't go around threatening people! Just look beautiful and let them pet you. The money will come.”
They may have been right but it was no where near as much fun!
There were so many good dogs there! And there were people there to.
It was the people I was making give me money!
You can't ask dogs for money. They hasn't got no money!
I liked the people but I liked best seeing this many dogs all in one place and they wasn't in cages!
Look at that dog there -->
See how happy he is getting petted by them girls.
The whole day was like that.
It was pretty darn wonderful, that's what I think.
I got to ride there in a car. Shelby says she drives David around all the time but she wasn't driving this car. I WAS!
I think it was a broke car though cause we never went as fast as thought we should.
I drove it real good though.
When we got there I was real excited. Everybody else had to wear a neckerchief that said “Please Adopt Me”. But I got to wear one that said “DONATION DOG”!
Here are some of the guys who was there.
They are all pretty good looking dogs but you can see that there is only one donation dog that you have to give money to and that one dog is me!
I was doing a great job. Then, they bought in another Donation Dog!
At first I was pretty mad cause my feelings were hurt! But when I met this donation dog I was pretty happy.
His name is Petey and he wanted to be my boyfriend!
I said it is not fair. “When you are the Donation Dog people don't have to bend over to put money in your coat!”
Petey said that is true.
Then he showed me what he could do to make it up to me so he could be my boyfriend!
Look at this!
Petey is so big that he can reach the treats without being a bad dog and getting on the table!
Isn't that great?!
Then this real wise guy dog walked by and he was singing, “Petey and J-Dog sitting in a tree” I thought he was very silly and not a gentleman like Petey at all!
It was a very very good day!
I think a lot of good dogs found them their forever homes.
I didn't but I'm not sad about it.
After all I saw today I a sure I am going to get the best forever home they have.
When you are waiting for the best sometimes you have to wait a little longer.
Even Shelby says so and Shelby and me never agree on anything! Except that cookies and ice cream are the best food for a dog and that David has an awful lot to learn. An awful lot.
If I don't get a forever home soon I am going to get to march in a big parade! A parade is when I walk down the street and people cheer and shout your name real loud!
I think that will be a good day too!
May 7, 2007
EVERYBODY STOP PICKING ON ME!
Everybody is picking on me cause I played a good joke on J-Dog!
This is very bad of you. You should not pick on a great dog like me.
I shares plenty with her! I shares my house, my yard and even some cookies. Not too many cookies cause she could get fat you know. I is always thinking like a doctor.
Besides, if there is only 3 cookies how is two dogs going to share 3 cookies?
My gramma went to visit Jimmy!
She gave him a pedicure!
I needs a pedicure real bad but no one comes to see me and gives me one!Poor poor Shelby, you is probably saying.
And you know what else?
Look at this!
Do you see that!!
<-- Jimmy got hisself a iPod!!
I bet he is listening to all kinds of great stuff.
IT IS NOT FAIR!
We has got iPods here but I isn't allowed to play with them.
I showed David this picture and told him, “I needs me an iPod! And I needs it right now!”
David, he just looks at the picture of Jimmy and says, “Shelby, you don't even like music.”
HOW WOULD HE KNOW! I might loves music but I never gets to listen to any because if you picks up an iPod in this house you gets called a bad girl!
David just doesn't understand. I NEEDS AN IPOD!
I needs it so I can dance around Jimmy and say, “My iPod is better than yours!” And that will make old Jimmy so jealous.
Then I can say, “O Jimmy. It am a very bad dog to get jealous of his beautiful sister just cause her iPod is so much gooder than yours! Bad boy Jimmy!”
I wish I did likes music. The only singing I like is the singing I do!
If you wants to make great art the first thing you has to do is put me in the picture. It is true. Think about all the great paintings. Okay?
Now then, thinks of them painting only now puts me in there! See how much better they is!
Nikki in Pennsylvania understand this.
She drew a picture of me!
This is a very good picture.
Being a great artist myself I says to myself what could makes this better!
It needs more bones in it! Bones from everybody I has beaten up!
And maybe The Rock should be in there. I like The Rock!
And maybe an iPod that David couldn't touch!
that would be a really great picture, that would!
If you think I is not this tough then watch this. I know now I is a YOUTUBE star. I is always a star. So is you.
Don't you be scared. I is very savage here. And I is only playing in this movie!
Don't worry. I wouldn't beat you up. Unless you got me real mad! Then they is no telling what I might do! So it is a very good idea not to pick on me so much or to call me slefish!
I has to let J-dog use my computer.
See, I is sharing!
She went to a big adoption fair for National Shelter Weekend.
This is a good thing.
They wouldn't let me go, they said, “Shelby, you are so beautiful no one will look at the other dogs!”
They is probably right.