July 31, 2007
I is going BALD!
And I has no ice cream or pizza FOR TWO WEEKS!
And I is still the most beautiful dog, the best joke telling dog in the world! I is just so sweet and good natured. I AM TOO!
See up there I is telling David one of my very good jokes. It am the joke about the dog who goes to see them old broken up buildings in Greece. There am these old buildings they call ruins and they is all broked up real terrible. People think they is pretty, prettier than good parks where good dogs could run and play. Any way this dog goes and see all them broked up buildings and he looks up and he says, “I didn't do it!'
They isn't so funny when I has to explain them. You should be smarter so you gets my jokes right away. Course when I tells them in person I is funnier cause I do all the voices and stuff.
I is now a full fledged psychiatric dog. David says I is PSYCHO. ha ha. That am David's idea of a good joke. You see what I puts up with.
As a psychiatrist dog it am my job to make people feel better. It is just another way to doctor people and I is a great doctor. I is a great doctor even when I don't get no good doctor treat. It am just the way I is. So kind and generous.
Everytime I sees a patient I has to figure out the best medicine for them. I thinks about it very hard. The best medicine always seems to be that I tells them some of my good jokes and lets them pet my head!
If they is feeling real bad I makes them scratch my butt!
That is very very powerful medicine and I only uses that in very serious conditions.
Of course when I gives medicine it almost always works.
I takes my job serious even if I doesn't get no treats. Even when I is starving to death!
This Saturday I has to go coach my football team. They didn't do everything I tells them last year so this year I is going to make sure they do it just right.
They is probably going to be crying a lot cause I has to tell them that I is moving away and won't be able to bite they butts to make sure they wins.
I is going to tell them to be real careful if they play any of them cat teams. Them cat teams are sneaky!
That is not a football in that picture. J-Dog has broked all my footballs!!
That is my kong. I is trying to convince them other coaches that it would be a much gooder game if they played it with a kong!
It would be much more exciting and interesting!
Nobody will listen to me though. They is all so stupid and they is selfish with their ice cream!
I is still worried about this moving stuff. David keeps putting stuff in boxes. When he goes to work I take it out of the boxes and puts it back where it belongs!
I has already told him not to pack any of my stuff. I will pack it.
See then I can packs some of my favorite friends in there too.
I isn't moving no place unless I can take my friends with me!
I is like that.
I wasn't going to move at all. Why should I? I is very happy in my house and in my yard.
But if David goes out there by hisself who knows what kind of stupid trouble he will get into. And he will get in trouble you better believe it! He gets in big trouble now and I is there to saves him!
If I wasn't there who knows what could happen!
I is busy enough without having to apologize to people for dumb things David does!
July 22, 2007
It were all his fault!
You all know how I is always telling David, “Oh please David don't gives me no pizza or ice creams. I only wants good healthy food. No treats for me, thank you.”
You see how I says thank you even when I is telling people no. That am because I is just so polite.
You know I is always telling David that. “Don't give me no more scoops of delicious ice cream, and no cheeseburgers for me please!”
See that guy there. He am my witness! I am always telling David stuff like that. And he heard me say this a kajillion times. “No delicious fatty treats for me thank you!” I is always saying it!
I met this guy at the veterinarian. We becomed very good friends really fast.
So we has to go to the vet's. I figure I has to consult on a very important case. Dr Karen is always asking me my advice on stuff.
That am because most of the time Dr Karen is pretty smart.
Well I is sorry to say that Dr Karen has violated the Hypocrites oath all us Doctors has to take.
You know why?
IT IS ALL DAVID'S FAULT!
Dr Karen has said I has to go on a diet.
I bet you has fainted. I will wait for you to wake up.
Now that you has waked up you is saying, “Shelby, you is the most beautiful dog in the whole world! You are perfect! There's no way anyone could make you better!”
You is right.
And the first law of the Hypocrites Oath all us Doctors has to take is that you never ever ever puts a fellow doctor on a diet!
It may not be writ down that way but all us doctors understand that am the way it works.
When I went to see my patients at the hospital they all were saying, “Shelby, you is looking so hungry!” and every time they tried to give me jut a tiny little nibble of a treat mean old David said, “NO! Shelby is on a diet! She has to lose weight!”
Everybody thought he was crazy! We all kept telling him, “Shelby is too perfect. She doesn't need no diet!”
My brother Jimmy even sent me some beautiful cookies and pies and wonderful VERY HEALTHY TREATS for a dog and they got no fat or bad stuff in them except delicious vitamins but I don't get NONE!
I bet I has already lost a kajillion pounds!
Next week I will be an official psychiatrist dog!
My colleague Dr Eric has just finished up school and got his psychiatrist papers! I don't know how he got his before I got mine. He is very slow. I always beats him in races.
We is going to go for a walk and we is both going to look at people and says, “You is crazy!”
Here is a picture of Dr Karen. You can see she is doing her favorite thing: being mean to a dog and poking them in they butts!
July 17, 2007
Look what he done to me!
You is horrified right now.
You is saying, “SHELBY!! You is so beautiful why does you look so terrible!”
I'll tell you why. David gived me a bath!
Stupid mean old David!
He is mean!
See how MAD I is!
He washed me with something terrible. He said it smelled like coconuts.
I don't know what a coconut is!
I knows they smells terrible and they just terrible burns a dogs eyes and skin.
I has thought about it. I watched this movie on TV. It was called “Aliens”. It were not a very good movie. They was no dogs in it.
What was in it were these big bugs that had two mouths. I watched this movie cause I figured one day I might have to fight bugs like that so I had to study them real close.
Them big bugs had blood that burned stuff. When you is fighting them you has to be real careful cause if they bleeds they burns you up!
So I has figured out that them big bugs am coconuts!
First he gived J-Dog a bath. She really needed one. She is a very stinky smelling dog.
But she stills smells gooder than coconuts!
I think it is a good thing he gived J-Dog a bath.
Mainly cause she is so funny!
She is always crying, “Oh David! You has ruined my beautiful coat!” “Oh David, you has taked away my beautiful stink!”
Only she says it in this real sad kind of voice. It am all fat and blubbery and it just makes me laugh and laugh.
Giving J-Dog baths is a very good thing if you needs a good laugh. And who doesn't!
Then he tricked me and gived me one!
I has figured out why!
See, he am jealous of his dog!
I is very famous and oh so popular and I never even gets a big head about it.
When you is great like me you has to be very humble and never lets anybody know that you know how great you am.
That am great free advice. You could send me a nickel if you uses it!
I is so famous that they wants to interview me on TV and in a internet magazine!
I don't know what an internet magazine is but I sure knows about TV!
It would be very smart to give me a TV show! One show I could be a great detective. Then the next show a great super hero! Then in the next one I would be a great hunter.
It would be the greatest TV show EVER in history!
It would even be better than wrestling!
But before I does a TV show I has to ask them what I is going to get paid!
I want to make sure they gives me something that all my friends can use and have lots of fun with.
Or a nickel.
July 8, 2007
Shelby is so worried about making money that I have stolen her website!
I am the world famous J-Dog and I am going to talk at you today!
Shelby and dumb David keep sending me to Adoptithons! I keep telling them that I have already found my forever home but they don't listen!
When I say to Shelby, “Shelby, I don't think I will ever find a good forever home. I think I will just stay here!” Shelby just says, “Oh, really?”
That is Shelby's idea of being funny, cause if you heard the way she says it you would know that she is not saying, “Yes J, you can stay here.”
David is always taking me to these adoption things and I say to him, “David, I am never going to find a forever home. I think I should just stay with you forever!”
And David says back at me, “You can stay with us as long as you need to. But you will find some people who love you and they'll take care of you and you will never be happier.”
“I am already happier than I have ever been! I can't be no happier I am sure. There isn't that much happy left in the world!” I tell him!
“Yes there is. Wait and you will see,” he says to me.
So I keep going and big noisy people keep coming to our house. I let them pet me and rub my belly and I tell them about all the other great dogs and puppies I keep meeting and I haven't met anyone who I likes as much as Shelby and dumb old David!
I've talked to a lot of the other dogs that are looking for forever homes and they all agree that David is the dumbest of all the foster parents but he does give good belly rubs and has lots of good treats.
They all say that Shelby is a great fighting dog and when I tell them that Shelby has been giving me lessons they all run away scared!
I have figured out I have it pretty good!
Sometimes I think I would like to have my own home and not have to share all those pets and treats. Sometimes I think it must be really nice to have someone who loves you come home and be excited to see only me.
Sometimes I dream a lot of silly stuff like that.
It must be fun to have someone to take care of like Shelby takes care of David.
I tell you a secret. Shelby has all her patients to take care of and I get jealous because I would like to be a doctor too! The secret is that I am doctoring without a license. I don't go to the hospital or nothing serious like that but I make people feel good just by letting them pet me.
I bet if I could go to medical school I'd be the greatest doctor that ever lived!
I bet I could.
I really do!
I don't know if I'll ever find me a forever home.
But I'm happy and I don't care who knows it!
July 1, 2007
I has a money making idea!
David says we has to gets extra money!
So I has put my big brain to it and I has a genius idea!
I thinks to myself, “Shelby, what is it you do that is greater than anybody else?”
They is so many things it were very hard to figure out but it got real easy when I thinks, “Shelby, and what great thing do you does that you could teach to any stupid person?”
I is going to sell fighting lessons!
Everybody knows I is the worlds greatest fighter!
I has watched enough TV to know I has to show you stuff, so I has made David make a movie showing how I teaches J-Dog!
J-Dog is not as smart as most of you so she has had hundreds of fighting lessons already. You see she has goed from being a weak scardey cat to being a pretty good fighter. Not that she could ever beat me. I is a great teacher but even I couldn't teach you how to beat me up!
Now for these lessons I is not going to charge you 3 nickels a lesson. I isn't going to even charge you 2 nickels a lesson!
I is going to charge you just 1 nickel a lesson!
Just 1 nickel and you can have fun beating guys up!
I is going to be so rich!
If you is a cat I is not teaching you nothing!