August 18, 2007
I has changed my mind!
It am a girls perogative!
That means a genius girl dog can do whatever she wants and that means she can change her mind!
I is not moving!
I know I said I would but there is too many people here who is crying! They is all going, “No more Shelby to talk to! Who will I call on the phone when I is scared!”
And they is also my football team! They is all practicing and saying, “No coach Shelby!! Who am going to teach me to run faster than a cat? Who will tell us to score touchdowns?!?”
Don't tell nobody but I will miss them too.
I will miss my patients. Nobody can doctor them good as me!
I told David I would move with him but he cheated! I said “I don't mind things changing so long as they stay the same!”
David am asking his dog to do too much. HE IS!
He has put everything in the house in stupid boxes. I keeps taking the stuff out and he keeps putting it back in!
Then he cheats again and he says, “Shelby. STAY!” In his real big stupid bossy voice.
I has to listen to him. I is a very good girl.
He tried to pack my Kong! That was too much! I grabbed my Kong and put it where it am safe.
I has tried to talk to him real sensible. I even used my doctoring voice!
“David,” I says, “i has a lot of very important responsibilities. Very important. You might not understand that cause the only responsibility you has to make sure my water bowl is filled and that I has plenty of treats!”
I was trying to be nice so I didn't even point out that since he put me on a diet he has been pretty terrible on his giving me treats responsibility. AND I AM NOT FAT!
“So David, if you just sends me a big bowl of ice cream every day I will stay in the house and take care of everything!”
“Everything?” David says. He said it like it were a question see. He made his voice go up and not go normal.
“Yes, David, everything. Has you forgot I has just gots J-Dog a forever home? What if she decides she hates them people and needs to come home?”
“Shelby!” David says, “They were very nice people! You said that they were the perfect mom and dad for J-Dog!”
“I know what I said and I know I is never wrong but what if? Hmm?”
He didn't have him no answer to that let me tell you!
Then I tells him, “I loves my house! I love the people who comes to see me. I love bossing the foster dogs! Look how happy I always is and do you now how hard it is to be happy when I has to live with you?!?”
“And the main reason I is not going to move with you is that I thought we was going to do something sensible like walk but you is making me go in a big dumb car!”
I hates cars cause every time you gets in a car you ends up going to gets a bath! Or you got to get your butt poked by Doctor Karen!
I is nobody's fool on that. I knows what cars is for!
They is for making dogs sad!
When I told David I was staying behind I thought he was going to start bawling!
It were so embarrassing.
I couldn't make him stop until I said, “Okay, David I will moves with you. But I might change my mind again! So you better be extra nice to me! EXTRA NICE! Ice cream nice!”
David says, “Promise?”
I had to say, "Yes David, I promises, just stop all your blubbering.“
So I guess I has to move.
I is just too darn nice and not selfish and NOT FAT!
Because so many of you has asked and PROMISED ME ICE CREAM I will writes about all my adventures in moving. You know that will be very interesting and exciting for you.
I is sorry that I only has David for a photogetter. He is terrible but he is all I have.
August 15, 2007
It is sad saying goodbye to people, even boy people
Today was the last day for me to do my doctor rounds. Rounds is what doctors call it when they goes to play with people.
It were very sad, Everybody was crying. Except me cause I is too tough to cry, except maybe a little. I had to promise to come back and visit everybody.
I did not know going to a new home would be so hard for my heart.
There am one good thing. I has found J-Dog a forever home! She am not so happy about it now but she will be! She keeps saying, "Shelby, I is going to stay with you and dumb David."
I says, "No, you will be happier when you has your own stupid people to boss. You has to trust me. You know I is smarter than you!"
She said okay.
I hope I will be as happy as J-Dog is going to be at my new home. Right now I is just missing everybody.
And I hasn't even gone no place yet!
August 8, 2007
Boys is the stupidest thing ever!!
That guy right there am Stanley.
Stanley is a boy!
I has come up with another Super Genius idea. I is going to get the government to gives me money so I can do a study to figure out just how stupid boys really is!
It am very important to know if they is just a little stupid, a whole lot stupid or really really stupid!
See then when I figures that out maybe I can find a cure!
A cure for boys! Wouldn't that be wonderful.
And I would be even more famous and get to give speeches and people would have to listen to what I says. That would be so grand!
I is going to show you part of my studies so far.
See there am three girls. You can see we is sitting all beautiful and smart, even J-Dog!! That person is Stephanie, Jack's mom.
We is discussing important serious stuff. I is talking about how Spinoza am a dumb old boy who clearly has never played him with no dog.
And Stephanie am talking about how to make delicious brownies that got no sugar so you can eats them all the time and don't get all fat eating them.
J-Dog am talking about make-up and how good she smells.
You see how we is so smart looking.
That am just how girls am! SMART!
Except maybe J-Dog.
Now you knows how smart and beautiful girls am. Especially me.
We has to take us a look at boys now. That am how you do science stuff.
Here am three boys. You see they is not discussing nothing! Jack am saying, “Oh boy, I is ignoring that beautiful Kong that am Shelby's and playing with this funny round thing that is not near as much fun.” And Stanley is going, “oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy!” And Tony, that am Jack's dad is saying, “Boy, this am sure a lot of fun!”
Even if you is a boy I think you can see the difference here between boys and girls.
For one thing girls doesn't has to go around reminding they selves that they is girls! Boys has to remind themselves all the time or they will forget!
And when they forget they is boys they gets all mean and stuff and that am why boys is always starting driving too fast and forgetting to bring home good stuff for dinner! They uses up most of they brain power just remembering who they is!
See there am a boy named Blue. He has even forgot that when you is on the sofa you is supposed to be sleeping! See him am going, “Oh boy oh boy, now that I is up here what is it I is supposed to do?”
I think you can see I has proved that boys am pretty stupid!
You is probably saying, “But Super Genius Doctor Shelby you taught Jack so he should be near as smart as you!”
You is right. AND THAT PROVES WHAT I IS SAYI NG!!
If boys were at all smart about anything Jack would remember all the great stuff I has taught him and he would be smart as me!
Because he am a boy he has forgotted it.
All the Super Genius things I teached him he has just plain old forgotted!
He has used all the smart bits of his brain just trying to remember that he am a boy!
No you has to admit that am being real scientific isn't it!
You is now wondering: What happens if you mix boys and girls together?
What happens is you get this!
You get one smart girl thinking important stuff and one dumb boy stopping another girl from being so smart!
It am science and that am what will always happen!
Boys and girls together makes each other even dumber! Look there am the proof!
J-Dog and Stanley am so dumb they can't even runs right! They is all falling over and stuff.
And looks even closer and you will see that I is the only one still smart enough to keep the Kong!
So you can see that I needs to continue my important scientifical research and that am why I need to get me a grant so I can continue to study just how stupid boys really am!
I needs about, I don't know, about Three Kajillion Dollars! Or a nickel.
I will keep on studying dumb old boys but if I don't gets the money right away who knows what terrible things could happen!
See that am me studying EVEN WHEN I IS NOT GETTING PAID!
Some of you has writ to me and asked, “Shelby, you are the most perfect dog in the world. Are you still on a diet?”
YES I IS!
Mean old David likes me on a diet cause he has to buy me NO treats or ice cream. You can see in the pictures I hardly weighs anything anymore. I is scared whenever the wind blows cause it might picks me up and just blows me away!
I is still moving too. But until I gets fed gooder I isn't going to help!
I will help J-Dog find her forever home though. Just because she got stuck living with mean old David I don't think she has to keep suffering.
I feels very sorry for her.
If you is wondering why this picture of J-Dog looks so gooder than the rest that am because Stephanie was the photogetter.
Stephanie am a girl so of course she is a better photogetter than mean old David.
I will tells you something too.
MEAN OLD DAVID IS HISSELF A BOY!!