November 29, 2007
Hi. I am Ben.
I am Shelby's friend. We have had some very good adventures together.
Shelby is a very good dog to know if you like having real big exciting adventures! With Shelby everything you do becomes a big adventure!
She is like that. I am glad she is my friend.
I am blind. I wasn't always blind but I can hardly see nothing now! To some people that means I can't have any big adventures at all! They don't want me walking to the store! They'd never let me go hunting dinosaurs or elephants or even snakes!
They all go, "Poor little blind Benny. You stay tied up here so you don't get hurt!"
I know they are being nice but I am a pretty tough guy and I needs to have some excitement!
Shelby doesn't think I'm too old or too blind. She thinks I am pretty smart. Because I am smart!
I may not be able to see but I have a very smart nose!
I have very educated toes too! After I have walked someplace I can always remember what the ground felt like and find my way back! I bet your can't do that with just your toes! I sure enough can!
Sometimes I clunk my head walking into stuff and that makes people get all crying worried. That is just dumb of them. I am tough and I am having fun. Getting clunked on your head doesn't mean you stop having fun!
Shelby knows this and she says, "I don't care if you clunks your noggin just be ready to fights them dinosaurs!" And I says, "Don't you worry about that Shelby. Jumpin' Jehosophat, I love me a good scrap!" That means I like to fight!
I am also very smart. Shelby goes on and on about her education. I don't mind her going on and on. She is my friend after all! But she talks about being a lawyer and a doctor and all the schools she has gone to.
By crackey, she says she is A Trojan from USC and she is a Buckeye from Ohio State.
Those are pretty good schools for people!
Shelby is smarter than most people but I am a dog! I have a great education too.
There better be a picture here of me wearing my school sweater! You can see I went to Barkington University!
When you are a dog there is no better place to go than to Barkington.
I could sing you the school song but, great honey toads, it is very hard to work Shelby's computer so I won't. It is hard enough to talk slow to this thing so it understands a dog. I don't know how to sing my school song that slow. And the song requires some running around and jumping in the second verse. If you come by I will be glad to sing it for you. I am teaching Shelby how to do the Aroooo's in the background.
Great thunderation, I didn't spend my time on this here machine just to talk about the old days!
I know that Christmas is coming.
It is a good time for folks and for MOST dogs.
I didn't always have a great home and good friends. When I was near knee high to a kitty cat I didn't have any home at all!
I had to live on the street and eat out of garbage cans and stuff like that. It wasn't much fun. And it was usually either too hot or too cold.
One day the dog police, who are people and not really dogs, if you get what I mean, showed up. I was very tough back then and always liked to scrap. These dog police took one look at me and said, "We're not fighting him! He could tear our legs off!"
And I could have too!
They shot me! WITH A GUN!
Not with bullets but with these darts that make you fall asleep right where you're standing! They hurt like heck too! When they are shooting you and when you wake up it really smarts!
What hurt most was when I woke up I wasn't free any more. No, by heck, I was in an animal shelter.
The people there weren't mean. They were pretty nice really but I was still a prisoner and even though they were nice people they weren't my people.
I was sad. The people tried but they never had enough blankets for all us dogs. They always had food but it wasn't always the best food.
Strangers would come to see us. That was pretty exciting. They'd pet us sometimes and sometimes even play with us.
There was never enough of that either.
The only really good day at the shelter was when they came to take me to my new home.
I live with two other dogs. They also come from the shelter. In fact every dog I know lived in the shelter.
That's why when I heard her talking to this consarned machine about how we should all help them other dogs who are still in the shelter I thought I should help her some.
Now you should help dogs. That's just plain old common sense!
What most dogs in the shelter want is a home and people to call their own. I know that is too much for most people. Being taken care of by a good dog is hard on people.
What they need next is some good food and some good treats! they will be very grateful for some good treats.
I know how much that good food costs and tarnation them treats are expensive. Shelby and me went to a pet store and we had THREE NICKELS and we couldn't get us nothing!
Christmas is in the winter! It is cold in the winter. Dogs could always use some good old towels or old sheets and blankets to snuggle up real warm into!
If you are real poor like me and Shelby or just run out of money buying gifts for your family and friends I figure you could just thinks some real good thoughts about them poor dogs in the shelter. They'll hear them good thoughts! I know I did.
You have yourself a Merry Christmas. I'll be thinking about you too.
November 23, 2007
HAPPY WAITING FOR CHRISTMAS!
I had me a pretty good Thanksgiving. Pretty good!
I ate lots and lots but I was STILL hungry!
And I has coached the Trojans to a very important game winning thing. And all you people's who thought I couldn't make them win you was wrong!
And we had us some more snow!
I has figured it out. The snow am so Santa Claws can tests our her sleigh so she can get here real fast and brings me all the presents I deserve!
One of the best parts was I had me a terrible good fight!
Robin has seed the video where I gived you lessons on fighting. He were pretty mad because he don't want peoples to know how easy I beats them up! So he was talking Blue into fighting me! See!
Blue am a boy so you know he am not very smart so he sid what Robin wanted and tried to fight me!
I is not used to fighting in snow and Blue am only about twice bigger than me so that made it a fair fight.
It were a very good fight. It were very dramatic.
We should of had us some music playing real loud so peoples would know when to cheers and stuff.
You don't has to worry. I didn't hurt poor little Blue.
Christmas am coming and I know that even if Blue am a boy and he started it beating up on dogs and hurting them will get me on the naughty list and then I get less presents!
I beats Blue up just enoughs.
Just enoughs means he knows he has been beated up and am not hurting so he can't go running into David and be a tattle tale!
Tattle tales. I think I gets told on enough! Sometimes I even tattles on myself!
Oh we was fighting good though.
Look at Robin. He am worried because his good plan am not working!
He am going, “Oh oh! Blue can't fight Shelby! What if Shelby finds out I put Blue up to it and comes and beats me up!?!”
I wouldn't do that. I is not only the greatest dog in the world but when I is waiting for Christmas I is also the goodest dog in the world and beating up boys, even when they deserves it may not be a good girl thing to do. I will tells you what am good. After we had fought I shared my treats with Blue and Robin.
I wanted to go out with David and takes treats to some poor dogs who didn't have them no good Thanksgiving like me.
I is also smart enough to figures out that Santa Claws will see me and say, “That Shelby is such a good girl. I will have to give her twice as many presents as I give anyone else!” Lazy David wouldn't take me! He says, “We can't go knocking on doors, Shelby. We haven't seen any dogs who need your help. If we do then we will help them.”
If I don't gets all the presents I deserve it am his faults!
Ben had him a pretty good Thanksgiving too.
The only bad part for him is that there am a cat who am in love with him!
They is things I is thankful for. I is thankful for my brother and my new friends and for my family and for warm places to sleep and good games and good treats and good pets on by head and good rubs on my tummy.
And for all you guys.
And for dumb David SOMETIMES!
I is also thankful no dumb cat am in love with me!
November 17, 2007
Happy Thanksgivings!You know what am so great about Thanksgiving?
IT MEANS CHRISTMAS AM NEXT!
I is always very excited about Christmas and any day when you has to give me lots of presents!
Thanksgiving am pretty good too.
You gets lots and lots of food. That am a good thing.
Sometimes food am a very good present. Very good.
They is lots of dogs who don't have a stupid david to feeds them! I know. I can't believes it either.
They gots no food to eat at all! They is always hungry,
I is so very very poor and I is almost always hungry. I used to collect garbage and sells it to this man who gived me money that I used to buy them poor dogs food. I figure if a dog am poorer than me he am really really poor!
I is just thinking if you had any extra nickels or any old clothes you could go and take that stuff to the Animal Shelter.
I bet there'd be some pretty happy dogs! I know it. And them dogs will remembers you!
You can never have you no better pal then a dog! You can never has you too many dog friends either!
See, if you was walking down the street and some crazy guys jumped out of the bushes and said real mean, "Give us a nickel!" You'd be plenty scared I bet!
But then a do who you gived some good food to or a blanket would see you and he'd say to herself, "Hey, that's that guy who gived me food! I had better helps them!"
Then that dog would run up there and bite them scary guys on they butts!
It might not happen but it could. Really! I saw it on TV.
That guy in that picture am Duke. He am my next door neighbor. He am talking to Robin and saying, "I sure hope I get me a whole turkey leg for Thanksgiving!"
Robin says, "I sure hope Shelby don't beats me up for Thanksgiving! That would be a great Thanksgiving present!" I am sure it would be.
Now I has a present for you!
I am sharing which is a good girl thing to do and good girls always gets lots of Christmas presents. REMEMBER THAT!
My aunt sent them to me. It am movies of me when I was a tiny baby. There am other puppies there but you can tell me. I is the prettiest cutest one who am not being bossy or crazy!
Then there am a movie of Jimmy being all crazy! I don't know why she sent me this. I already knows Jimmy am crazy!
With this great present FROM ME you is sure to have a Happy Thanksgiving!
I is going to be awful busy soon. I has to go to school and I has a powerful long Christmas letter to start writing to Santa Claws!
November 13, 2007
How to beats up dumb boys
This am a very important lesson for you.
I has made you a new video so you can sees what I is talking about.
It am about fighting!
You all knows what a great fighter I is and some of you needs lessons. So here am how to do it.
One thing that am very important.
When you learns to fight great like me you must not be out there beating up peoples who am littler than you.
You does that and I will come beats you up!/
You can only use my super fighting stuff to beats up bullies, or boys. Almost all bullies is boys.
Boys always thinks they is tough.
Let me tells you a thing. Boys am only tough when they is fighting other boys.
So that means they is not tough at all!
In my video you will sees that I is fighting TWO boys.
You will also see that both boys am much bigger than me.
As usual David the terrible photogetter messes things up. He forgot to get the noise them boys make. They was crying and yelling something fierce! That am what happens when you is facing a fierce girl fighter!
I should tells you this fight isn't becasue I like beating up boys. I do likes it but this fight am because them boys make me crazy!
See that picture? We is out for a walk. Of course I is winning the race. You can see how I is in front there. I would have been beating all of them but them stupid boys has tangled up the leashes! You can see that right there!
That am not all that made me needs to fight them. It were enough but everybody knows how gentle and patient I is.
I IS SO!
See that little girl puppy there?Blue were mean to her!
He really were! He said she smelled like flowers!
And then he tried to lick her nose!
That am right. He tried to kiss her!
Like all good girl dogs she were all ready to fight him right there all by herself!
But she were behind a fence and David wouldn't let her out cause he were scared that us girls would gang up on them boys and beats them sillier than they already is!
She yelled after me!
"I know who you are! You're the great Shelby! Please beat them boys up for me please?"
When you says please to me I just has to do what peoples asks me to.
I is like that.
So now you know why I is beating them boys up.
I got to thinking that they is only two boys so it will not be two hard to beats them up at all so I decided to make this a movie so you can learns from it.Don't worry. It am learning stuff but I is not going to give you know test!I is not even going to charges you to learns it!
I is too nice for my own good!
November 11, 2007
I don't believes it!
David were right about something.
You know how many times that happens?
The snow has all gone away!
I guess Christmas really is a kajillion days away.
That seems so sad. Its not really sad though because Christmas is still coming!
You know I is still working on my Christmas list!
It is a list of ICE CREAM! It is a very long list. I is even inventing new flavors of ice cream. I will tell you one so you can be a little bit jealous: Pepperoni and Chocolate Ice Cream!
I bet you can't wait to try some. Me either! I figures it like this: there will be that rich creamy ice cream tastes with that good greasy meaty flavor and then it will finish off with that cute little bite pepporoni puts on your tongue!
I invented it so don't you steals it!
But even thinking on my Christmas list leaves me something I hardly ever is.
We is all bored.
Ben am bored. He is sitting around by hisself thinking big thoughts.
“Shelby,” he says, “I has figured out how to stop wars and to make sure no one is ever hungry again. I knows how to make sure no one is ever mean to anybody again!”
“That sounds like a pretty good idea, Ben. How you going to does it?” I says.
“I will make everyone in the world get a dog! Whenever a person is going to do something stupid their dog will bite their butts!”
“There are more smart dogs then there are stupid people so it will work and work fast! Then when we dogs have solved everybody's problems we can get back to important stuff like eating and playing!”
“That am a pretty good plan. I know if I were going to get my butt bit every time I was doing something stupid I sure get me smarter fast!”
It were such a good plan I didn't even mention that I thunk Ben should spend more time trying to figure out why he don't mind hanging out with cats!
You can see we am all so bored that we would have loved us a cat to chase. Chasing cats am not playing with cats so it is okay for a dog to do that.
Oh what else has I did.
USC wons again. I was glad but not too excited. I was coaching them. they should has scored more touchdowns but when I is not there to bite they butts them players gets lazy I guess. Jack am all excited because his team Virginia won yesterday. You can see how I taught Jack some of my good football coaching stuff. He am laughing because my other team, the Buckeyes LOST!
I has found something else I likes.
The Three Stooges!
They am almost as funny as me!
I likes Moe cause he gets to bosses everybody. And I like Curley cause he makes all them funny funny noises and he laughs like that dog I was teaching Alex. He laugh, “Nyuk nyuk nyuk!'
They is very funny.
It has stopped raining!
I gets to go outside and play and I doesn't has to get my feet rubbed when i comes into the house. You know how mean David gets when a good dog brings a little tiny bit of mud into his house.
I learned me a new word: Unreasonable. That am a word meaning David gets too excited about good clean mud!
I'm going to go play some now.
I wish I were eating ice cream. I wish it were Christmas already or even my birthday.
I like days where you has to give me presents.
It is a very smart thing to do.
November 9, 2007
It am snowing!
And you know what that means?!?
You does know don't you?
It means CHRISTMAS AM COMING!
And you know what Christmas means!
I GETS PRESENTS!
We knows how good it am to give me presents!
This is going to be my THIRD Christmas. So I knows the rules.
You has to be good and there is not nobody gooder than me!
You also has to know that stingy old David am not going to give you no good presents.
That am why it am a good thing there is SANTA CLAWS!
I is not making Santa Claws up either! I has studied this very very careful.
When I has goed out I has seed Santa Claus. He looks very nice for people. But what I has seed that you has probably not seed is that Santa has got him NO DOG!
First time I thought about this I was scared! There am no way that a person, not even Santa, could know what a good dog needs! Only another dog would know that, and know what am good treats and toys for a dog. People wants to give you silly stuff like food bowls and sweaters.
I can e ats out off the floor! I has got a beautiful fur coat so I don't needs no sweaters.
So I thought about it and last Christmas I saw I got presents from my brother Jimmy, from my Aunt, from all my friends, and none from David. Some of my best presents come from Santa!
I was pretty confused. Then I saw a Christmas card.
On this here card there were a picture of a dog. He was wearing him a Santa Claus suit and on the card it said: "Merry Christmas From Santa Claws!"
Now things all made sense! That is what us lawyers call photographic proof!
I mean now, who else but a dog would know if you've been good or bad?
I figures Santa Claws must be the second greatest dog in the world! After me of course cause I is number one!
I is just so excited! Of course mean old David says Christmas is still a kajillion days away! He am so mean!
David says, "Shelby, first we have to have Thanksgiving, Then we have Christmas."
"Ha ha!" is what I says. Not really laughing but just saying them words like that so you knows I don't think he am being funny at all!
I figures he am just trying to trick me and figures out a way to not give me any presents! I won't fall for that one! I is going to be even gooder than I always is so I can get me lots of loot!
I has even looked at some of them stores and what do I see?
I is going to stay excited let me tell you.
November 6, 2007
What a fine kettle of something I won't eat this is!
I is just so tired of troubles.
That is my only friend there.
He am a dinosaur my aunt has sent me to train.
He am a pretty good dinosaur and you can see he is very small, just a little baby. I is going to teach him some real good stuff, let me tell you.
You is probably saying to yourself, “Shelby! You have a new dinosaur! You are Shelby! What could be making you so sad!”
Thank you for asking.
Oh, where does I start?
Where does I start?
This first one you just won't believes. Let me ask you. Who am the smartest person you know?
I has already had me nearly SIX MONTHS of schooling.
I was terrible smart in school, just terrible smart.
I has learned so much I has forgotted most of it!
There was too much even for my giant brain to remembers it all!
So what does the dumbest person we all knows decide to do?
If you don't know who the dumbest person we know is I will hint you that it is David.
Dumb old David has put me back into school!
It am a awful school! Just awful. They is all these dogs there and they don't know how to do anything that I know but there I is having to do it ALL OVER AGAIN!
"Sit Shelby. Stay Shelby. Heel Shelby." Blah blah blah didy blah!
Don't they know I can does these things and does them when I feels like doing them?
I does get treats and some of them dogs is so worried about getting the right answers that they drops they treats and I goes and scoops them up.
That treat part, that am pretty good. Pretty good.
I has talked to Noelle's parents. I has told them they had better not be taking away Noelle's forever home. If they did that I would have to bite they butts! Of course they has listened to me. They said, "Oh Shelby. We will take great care of Noelle. We loves her. We won't ever ever talk about taking away her forever home ever again!"
that should have made me happy but when you is stupid sad like I is.
What has me just terrible terrible sad am this:
I know what you am thinking!
“That can't be! This is a trick picture! BEN AND A CAT!!”
I know. My friend Ben lying right there with a smelly old cat!
Ben says, “I was sleeping and when I woke up this stinky old cat was sleeping there! I HATES CATS!”
I wants to believes him. I really do, but it am hard.
Then in the middle of all this David says we has problems!
I tells him, “Look David, we has always had us some troubles, but we has stuck together and we has figured out how to takes care of everything! We done it before and this time am all little trouble compared to the troubles we has had. Except for Ben and that cat,” but before I could finish David interrupts me! How rude am that! Interrupting your dog!
David gives me a big hug and says, “you're right, Shel. We can get through anything!”
I kind of rolled my eyes at that.
What always happens is that David gets into trouble and I gets him out of it! I figured I was so worried about Ben turning into a CAT that I shouldn't remind David of this. He looked so happy it almost made me forget how sad I is.
How sad is I?
I has found this rocket!
I figure since I knows I can fly me a helicopter I shouldn't have no trouble flying one of these things.
When I gets sad I thinks I will just blast off into outer space and sit up there while everybody misses me or at least until they stops all this school stuff and all the cats in the world cat to Catalina or wherever it is they am from!
Then I thinks about how much fun it would be to drop water balloons on people's heads!
Can't you just see old David walking around, he is probably crying, “Oh where is Shelby? Where is she? I have all these terrible problems and no dog to fix them!”
And while he am doing that BLAMMO a big old water balloon whacks him on the head!And makes him all wet like he just had a bath!
Just thinking about that always makes me laugh and when I laughs I isn't sad anymore!
See, if you knows how to use them rocket ships am good things!