April 25, 2008
We is going to have the best lion hunt ever!I made me a dumb mistake yesterday.
I tried me to have a serious talk with David!
Why does I bother?
I tried to talk science with him. I was telling him how dogs has certain needs and am a certain way because of the way is is and the way we is intended to be. It am a very serious and deep subject.
I tries to tell him I has claws for fighting good and for running fast. And I has sharp teeth for biting things in they butts.
I told him I is related to wolves so I needs me plenty of meats like hamburgers and pizzas. Because I is so hot blooded from being ready to fight all the time I has to have me plenty of good ice creams or else I could go crazy.
This am always the way it has been. Even back when they was cave men and saber toothes tigers cave men had to give they dogs plenty of cold delicious ice creams so that they dogs would be they best friends.
Even Ben tries to help Dumb old David understand, "Glorified Gorilla Guts David, just figure it out! We dogs have been trained for years to be fighting beasts. Look at me! I could kill something just as soon as look at it! Know why I don't? ICE CREAM! It keeps a dogs temper down and cool."
"The more ice creams we get the nicer we am to people who we would normally just bit in they butts, people who aggravates a dog. People like you, David!" I says that just to try and make hims to understand. Big dumb old guys like David has to think about they butts being bit or they don't know how to think of anything at all!
Dumb old David just says, "Shelby, Ben instead of all this silly talk shouldn't you be planning your big adventure?"
David cheats! He knows that talking about big adventures gets Ben all excited up! I tried to keeps talking about giving us more ice creams but Ben all he wants to talk about am LIONS!
"We're going to catch us a passel of them horn swoggling lions! It will be something to see! We can train them up as smart as a cat can be and then sells them for ice cream!"
"I figure we're going to needs to catch us a few kajillion of them lions Ben. I can fights maybe four or five of them at a time and you can catches maybe two or three at a time. You know what Ben. I thinks we needs us some helpers!"
Now soon as he hears that old Blue wants to come along. Blue am not no lion fighting dog! But he keeps going on and on so we tells Blue he can help us get us a gang of the toughest lion hunting dogs in the world!
So Blue goes out and gets our next door neighbor to joins up . . . You has to be nice to neighbors but you can see this little guy am tough but you has to ask, am he lion fighting tough?
Blue says, "I don't know Shelby, but he's the only guy I wasn't scared of to ask!"
So we decided we had to go further than just our yard to look for good lion fighting dogs!
Here am a smart looking girl dog. Blue got all excited telling her about all the lions we was going to be catching. She comed and talked to me, "I'm all for fighting cats and lions Miss Shelby but I just want to make sure that your in charge and not some boy who gets all excited before the fights even start!"
Just from her saying that I could see she were a real smart fighting dog so I told her she could join!
Ben tried to get this guy to join in with us. Ben thought, "This guy is big enough and low enough that he could trip up the blim blasted lions and when them lions are excusing themselves for tripping over him I could jump on them and give them a good what for!"
Even Robin was trying to help. Robin said this little guy was scared to fight cats. He said a cat once hit him right on the nose and it stung something terrible! He wasn't about to go out and fight him no giant cats!
Even this guy, who were pretty big, when Blue told him we was going to go off hunting lions said, "LIONS! There lions here?!? I'm skeedaddling!!"
These guys said, "We have plenty of good adventures just chasing this here ball around. Fighting lions is for tough dogs like you guys!"
I really thought more of them dogs would want to get into a good scrap with some lions!
That am okay though cause now when we goes on our big hunt and catches us a mess of lions and trains them to wash cars and do laundry and then sells them for ice cream we won't has to share so much and Ben and I can keeps most of it.
When I told David our plan he said, "So you and Ben will get to keep the lion's share of the ice cream!" Then he laughed.
He thinks he am pretty funny. You can see why it am my job to tell all the jokes around this house.
April 17, 2008
Sometimes you has to just make up an adventureHas you ever noticed how I always looks so good in pictures.
I always just looks so beautiful. It am amazing.
Blue says there am no great beautiful Belgian movie stars. I'm not saying he's right but what if they isn't no world famous Belgian movie stars because we they keeps all them great beautiful Belgians right at home!
I bet they do! And I bet my Gramma had to sneak in there like she had to jump out of a plane at night and then sneak my mom out of Belgium and walks with her all the way to Ohio while bad guy soldiers was looking for them. But my mom and Gramma are too smart for any bad guys to catches them!
And they went through all these great adventures just so that a great dog like Shelby could be borned.
I is just so amazing.
Ben and me has been plenty bored.
We has been having plenty of fun but we am dogs of action!
I likes to say that: We am dogs of action!
Don't that sound dramatic? Like we is about to go off and do something great! Doing something great am one of the things I does best!
Ben says, "Snail toes and artichokes Shelby, I need to have me a real big adventure soon or I might just itch right out of my own skin and have to beat myself up!"
Ben thinks he am the only dog in the world tough enough to beats himself!
So we was talking and David says, "Why don't you go on a bear hunt?"
Ben and me just looks at each other. You know the way you looks at each other when somebody says something really stupid but that somebody, who am David, has a cookie in his hand so you don't wants to say out loud how stupid they is in case that somebody don't give you that cookie. You know that look?
Bears am not very tough, especially for tough dogs like me and Ben. I has got me some teddy bears and they is way too little and too soft. They am fun to play with. You can bites them and play tugs of war using them for the rope!
You know a animal am not very tough when they lets you use them as a tug of war rope!
We was watching TV that night. David did not share his popcorn cause he am so selfish. He am a terrible sloppy eater so he dropped some and we got some anyway. We was watching us a show about LIONS!
Lions am big cats. Because they am cats you know we am terrible smarter than they is.
We decided we would catches us a lion! If you make your eyes go all funny Ben he looks him like a little baby lion! So we comed up with a genius plan. The plan part were Ben. The genius part were from me.
"Dip me in bacon grease and serve me for supper! Shelby, hunting lions is a great idea! What I'll do is pretend to be a little bitty baby lion! I'll stand out there and pretend to cry. I'll go: Here I am a cute little baby lion. I am so lonely and has no other lions to play with. I am so little and so lonely!"
See lions being cats when they here's about something being little and all by itself they just comes running cause they know they might has found something they can beats up!
Ben stood out there in the yard and we waited for them old lions to show up so we could fights them!
Robin ad Blue really wanted to be part of our big adventure. They am boys and most boys never figure outs they own big adventures. They has to find a girl to tell them what a great adventure am going to be!
When Blue found out we was fighting lions he got scared. He said, "I think the smart thing to do will be for me to stay behind this fence Shelby. If any lions come over here I'll have to warn David. It is a very brave job for me to do."
I started to laughs at all scaredy Blue but then I remembered that he am just a boy.
Boys is never going to be as brave as a girl. Oh when they is together in a bunch they is always talking about how brave they is and all the brave things they done but when it comes down to the fighting they is always saying they has them a new collar on or they hurted they foot in the last big fight they was in.
You has to feel sorry for boys. You really do. And you shouldn't make funs of them, not too much anyway. It am not they faults they wasn't smart enough to be girls.
Now we is ready to start hunting us up some lions.
It will be very exciting. Because I will be there to make sure it is!
April 9, 2008
I is here!I has been just terrible busy, terrible.
I has a new neighbor!
I used to have great neighbors, Copper and Duke.
Copper were her a girl and we had us some great fights, terrible good fights!
I is going to give you a little clue here. If you wants to be my friend and you is poor like me and can't send me no ice cream then the next best thing to do is have a terrible good fight with me. I really likes that and after I has beaten you up we will be good friends, just you wait and see if we aren't!
That there am a picture of my new neighbor. HIS name is Quincey. I said HIS name real loud cause he am a boy.
Isn't that just terrible! Another boy!
Most of the reason Copper and I had such good fights is cause we is girls. Girls am just natural born better fighters than boys. It is so true!
Robin likes to bark fight Quincey but bark fighting am all Quincey wants to do. He am not very good at it.
Once he sneaked into my yard! He ran out right away when I yelled at him!
There am something else happened too.
BEN GOT HIM A BATH!
I was laughing so hard!
Look at Ben. He am so so sad! that just makes me laugh harder!
There am nothing funner than a wet dog! Unless I is the dog that had it a bath, Then a wet dog am the saddest thing in the world!
"Spider legs and bat brains Shelby, you shouldn't be laughing at me! I am sad becasue I have lost all my good stinks."
This am true. Ben was stinking terrible good!
"And if you is such a goldurn good friend of mine you wouldn't be laughing at me at all! You'd be trying to make me feel better!"
"That's not so Ben. I alway laughs hardest at my friends! I has nothing to laugh at about my enemies!"
I didn't like Ben feeling sad so I took him out on an adventure!
And look. Ben were all naked!
It were pretty hard not to be all laughing at a naked Ben let me tell you. He may have looked funny but he were terrible anxious to us going hunting. He worked terrible hard.
We searched really hard but we couldn't find us no great adventures!
Ben said, "You know what Shelby, I'll bet all them bacon fried monsters and dinosaurs are off having them a picnic. Its a powerful nice day out, just about right for monster picnics."
Even a naked wet Ben am a greater hunter than most dogs. He gots him that super-educated nose of his. And we sure weren't finding us no great adventures that's for sure!
So we might not has found us no great adventures today but we did talk dumb old David into letting us has us a picnic. So it were a pretty good day. Even if Ben am really funny looking all naked!
You know me. I will has me a great adventure sooner than later. You can believes that!
I almost forgots. My old student Jack. You remember him? We'll he am in a contest! Not a beauty contest. Everybody knows I am the most beautiful dog in the world. He am in a contest for the FUNNIEST dog in the world.
I thinks I tell better jokes but Jack gets him some good ones too. Since I is not in this contest it will be okay for Jack to win then him and me can have a fight so I can tell people he am only the second funniest dog in the world!
April 4, 2008
HiShelby said I have to get on her computer and tell you about myself.
That seems kind of dumb. I know who I am. You know who I am!
I don't know much about computers. Ben is here helping me. He says he's an expert on computers and things.
So I lived in a house I didn't like then I lived with some other dogs and then I met my mom and I am very happy. The end. That's my story. I don't know why you wanted to hear it or why I had to tell it.
Lima beans and toad stools Robin! That's not how you tell a story! First you have to tell them your name!
Oh? I didn't know that, Ben! Thank you.
I'm Robin. I am the greatest dog in the world. Shelby thinks she's the greatest dog in the world. Its okay with me if she thinks that. Its not true but it doesn't hurt anything for her to think that.
Now just a gopher headed second there, Robin. I'm the greatest dog in the world!
Oh? Okay you can be the greatest dog in the world.
Darn tooting! Now you have to tell them more about yourself. You have to fill in the details! It is mainly people reading this high faluting talking and they're not as smart as you and me!
I forget that sometimes. Thank you again!
Let's see. I'm a French Poodle. French Poodles is the best kind of dogs so it figures I would be one.
WHAT! Oh, just go ahead we'll be here all day and I got things to do!
My first house I did not like very much. I think the people who I lived with didn't like dogs very much. They kept me in a cage! It was a very small cage. They kept me in it for days!
Sometimes I got very scared. I kept thinking I must have been a bad boy and they were punishing me. I couldn't think of anything I did that was bad!
Sometimes they forgot to give me food and water! This is embarrassing. Sometimes I had to go to the bathroom right where I was sleeping! I was very ashamed.
I don't do that anymore and don't you tell Shelby! She might tease me! She wouldn't really, Shelby is very nice. She is a doctor, did you know that?!?
Sometimes I'd get so mad and scared and hungry that I tried to fight that cage. I'd bite it and tell it to let me out!
I hurt my teeth fighting that cage, let me tell you. And I never won.
One day some people came and took me out of that cage! You know what though. They put me in another cage! It was a bigger cage and I had food and water all the time and I got to go to the bathroom outside like a proper dog should but it was still a cage and I hated it.
But then you know what. You won't guess! My mom, she came and rescued me! She really did! And she told me my name was Robin Hood! I'm glad she told me because I was so mad and scared and hungry and stuff I plain old forgot what my name was! It was a good thing she reminded me!
My mom is the greatest person in the whole world! I know she is. That is one of the ways I know I am the greatest dog in the world.
It only makes sense that the greatest person in the world would rescue the greatest dog in the world. If you think about it you will see how right I am!
I am so happy we met. She takes good care of me and I take good care of her! She never gets bothered by no squirrels when I'm around!
I have my own yard. I share it with Blue and Ben and Shelby because I have so much stuff to be happy about it makes me even happier to see them playing in my yard!
I don't thinks there's much else to tell. I loves my mom. I loves Blue and Ben and I loves Shelby but don't you tell her that for certain! And we all think that David must be the dumbest person any of us has ever met. Its true. But he does make a good breakfast and pets you pretty good when you show him how so I'll let him stay!