I Am The Greatest Dog In The World!

I HAS LOST!

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 15:03:34 -0500

I has not wonned the election!!
I know. You am thinking, "No, Shelby, it is not you who lost the election, it is us, the people who have lost the election!"
You am part right. You did lose. BUT I LOSTED MORE!
I wanted to blow things up and boss everybody and plays all the time and have my own car to drive.
There am a lot of reasons I has losted.
First, they cheated!
Second the newspapers made up all sorts of terrible lies about me. THEY DID! Like they said, "If you don't vote for Shelby she will bite you on your butt!" That am a lie! What I said were, "Votes for me or you will get your butt bit!"
Then they printed up a dirty picture of me! BUT IT WERE NOT ME!!
If you is gentle and sweet like me don't you look at this picture! That am a warning. I has to show it to you so you can see how terrible my opponents them guys were!
<== See? What a terrible picture!
I is offended!
And that am not me! This am a dirty trick! I knows that cats am for chasing and that cats am not for loving!
I has gotted the cat in that picture to testify!
"I am Nikki and the wonderrrful, handsome dog in my picturrre is my good frrriend Jimmy.
See it am not me. NOT ME! Did you notice how funny cats be talking?
A lot of you is writing to me and saying, "Shelby, are you going to run again?"
That am dumb! Of course I is going to run! I is the world's fastest dog! I runs everyplace!
Robin will be my running mate again.
He is a very good running mate, the world's second greatest bark fighter and he am paying me a nickel and I get a mouthful of his food at every meal!
That am what we needs more of in government. People paying me and giving me food!
All I can say is that the guys who won am at least smarts enough to be getting them some good dogs! That am the smartest thing they could do. Them dogs will not be so great as me but at least they will be a lot smarter than people.
Us dogs knows us how to boss things so it will be okay.

You knows my brother Jimmy? Of course you do! If you don't that means you am not paying good attention!
Look at this. You see that other real beautiful dog there. That am my sister Layla. She am not so beautiful as me. And she am so little!
She am younger than me and not so beautiful as me but she am my sister so she am just beautiful enough!
Jimmy has finally sended me his pictures of him at Halloween. He went trick or treating with his friend Lucky. Lucky am a girl dog so you know she am very very smart.
Now then you has to wait and not look so you will be surprised!
There am Jimmy's secret costume and there am lucky in her costume!
If you am smart like me when you first looked at it you said, Jimmy is Romeo and Lucky is dressed in a pretty gown like Juliet! They are Romeo and Juliet!"
We all knows Romeo and Juliet am this movie about two kids who goes out on dates and stuff and has good sword fights!
But if you looks more careful you will notice something! You am getting hungry!

Now I is always hungry so at first I is thinking David has forgotted to give me my dinner again! And then I remembered I had just ated right before I gots my emails. Then I looked real real careful at Jimmy's picture!
He am not Romeo or a knight! See, he don't got him no sword for sword fighting!
He am disguised him as a hot dog!!
And Lucky, she am a beautiful ballerina!
Them am good disguises. But am they the right disguises for trick or treating?
When you am trick or treating the main thing is to gets you lots of loot! So you wants to scare people pretty good so they will give you good candy so a mean scary monster won't come back and play no tricks on them!
See, when Lucky goes to the door people says, "Oh look! A beautiful dancer dog. I will have to give her lots of candy so she will like me!"
But when Jimmy comes to the door people says, "Jimmy! You are a hot dog! Hot dogs don't eat. Hot dogs are supposed to be eaten!"
Then Jimmy has to run because he is so delicious looking!
Being delicious looking am not the best way to get candy and treats!
Jimmy were going to go him as a cowboy! That am a bit smarter because everybody knows cowboys has to work real hard and that they am always hungry and stuff so they will give him lots of food so he will keep his cows off their front yards!

Pretty soon it will be HAPPY ALL YOU CAN EAT DAY! I loves that day because I never gets enough to eat. But then it is starting the time you can't be nothing but good because the next big day am CHRISTMAS!!
I still hates being good but you have to. You has no choice.
Even big old Blue has to be good and he hates being good!
He says he likes being bad and stealing food and yelling at cats and digging holes and stuff.
It IS a lot of fun.
But you can't or Santa Paws won't bring you nothing good!
Even Robin hates being good. I don't know why. Robin is always good anyway.
Boys are too hard to figure out sometimes.

Happy Give ME Candy Day!

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 11:05:27 -0500

Hi. This is me.
I now have a very important job. I am the head of security but don't tell anybody. It is a secret!
It is my job to make sure nobody hurts Shelby or Robin while they are out campaigning and trick or treating!
It is a very hard job and it is a good thing I am so scary and big. Because we went out today and we were surrounded with little MONSTERS!!
There were skeletons and vampires! Skeletons are like bones you can eat but they are walking around!! And vampires are dressed all fancy but they just want to bite you!
I stood right behind Shelby and Robin and told them monsters you better not mess with us!
Here are a few words from your candidate.
My friends. I knows you am my friends cause none of you am dumb enough to get you butts bit! My friends It were Halloween last night! This am a very important day because it means this am the last day you can be bad and play tricks on people!
That's right. Now you has to start practicing being real good because Happy Christmas day am coming very soon. In just a month you can't be bad at all or Santa Paws will not comes to your house and then he will have all them extra presents to give to somebody who should be ME!
It am a very good day. We went tricks or treating and got us some PIZZA and some FRENCH FRIES! Those are very good and healthy foods to gives to dog.
If you gives a dog Pizza and french fries won't nobody be playing no tricks on you let me tell you!
As you can see I wents on Halloween as a beautiful candidate. I is so beautiful that everybody knewed it were me. You just can't hide when you is as beautiful as I is.
Here am my friend Roxy/ She am wearing a very good costume. I knew her right off. She am dressed up as Bob Marley who am a famous reggae singer. See, she got dreadlocks and everything!
Roxy said she's not Bob Marley she says she am a lion!
I just shakes my head. I has been hunting lions. I knows what a lion he am looking like. And that am not quite it.
See, here am a good lion costume on a dog. If I weren't a super genius I might has thought it were a real lion! So I tells Roxy to feel people and tells them she am Bob Marley!
Now here am a scary costume! You would think that dog it were all hurted but it am just a very good trick! That dog am not it hurted at all but I bet you was sure scared!
That dog were saying, "BOO! I am a poor hurt dog who can only feel better if you give me lots of candy and ice cream!"
I told him to say that and I bet it worked real good for him and he owes me some of that ice cream he got!
You has heared old Blue telling you about vampires. Well, here am a Count Dracula dog!! He is a kajillion times scarier than a people vampire because dogs already has them some great biting teeths. People just don't gets it, how to bites people. Dogs sure do but only if you am a bad guy or a robber. We don't bites good guys and people who gives us candy!
I bet this guy got his tons of good candy and stuff!
Now here am a good trick costume.
See that dog he am pretending to be a horse!! But here am the good part. See that guy who am riding that there dog who pretends to be a horse? There's nobody there! It am a trick! This is a good trick because when this guy goes to a house and says "Trick or treat!" people will gives this guy a cookie and then he can say, "HEY! What about a cookie for the guy who is riding me!"
Since there's really no guy riding him that dog gets him a FREE COOKIE!!!
Next year I am going to do that same trick only I is going to have two guys who are not there riding me! Then I will get THREE cookies!
That am why I is a super-genius!
This am Robin. He has got him no costume. He says as he am my running mate it would not be dignified!
HA HA on him! He would still get him some Pizza and some french fries! And he am not even a beautiful girl like me!
One thing is I has not gotted me no picture of Jimmy! That am my brother is case you doesn't pay attention. Jimmy him usually does him so pretty good costumes! Last year he was him Superman!! That am pretty good. I don't know what he was him this year.
He won't tell me.
I figures it were probably pretty good and he am just wanting me to write all about only him!
Boys!
They has such big egos!
That means they am not all gorgeous and modest like I is!
Boys am just them so silly.
Remember to votes for me! I will passes us a law that we doesn't has to be quite so good on Christmas so we can has us lots more fun.
I is still trying to use my big brain to figures out why it am so much more fun being bad then it is fun to be good.
This am a deep and serious question that I will solve for everybody when I is elected.

Vote For Shelby or I'll Bite Your Butt!

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 20:39:07 -0500

This am my first press conference. You can ask me any question you want so long as it am one I has writted down for you.

Ms Shelby, your opponent has claimed that you want to share the wealth. Do you?

I is a very poor dog. And if anybody has gotted them some extra money they should be sharing it with me. I would say thank you ever so nice.

What do you intend to do about taxes?

I has never been to Texas and I will not go there unless they plays the Trojans or the Buckeyes in a good football game!

They are saying that this is the most negative campaign ever run. You have said that your opponent pals around with cats!

I knows my opponent good. We used to be buddies! I has a history of reaching across the kennel to try and accomplish something for the greater good like stealing cookies or having a good fight. My opponent he am him a boy! There am nothing more negative than that! But did you know that he has been seed with cats! We needs to know what he am thinking! Why he am not chasing them cats or even trying to bites them just a little bit on they tails!
All I is saying is that we has a right to know more about him and where he stands on the cat problem!
It am the first question I is asked, they says, "Shelby, does your opponent like him some cats!" We deserves to know!

Ms Candidate, their was a press release that said you have spent over $150 dollars on toys! Is this true?

That am not true! I hardly ever plays with them! And if I did get all them toys I would be giving them to other poor dogs to play with when I is finished with them!
This am what am wrong with you reporter guys. You am talking about toys when they is great problems facing us, like when do I get fed and how many treats does I get today! And whether my opponent hangs him out with cats! Them is what concerns us not how many toys I has or has not got!

Someone in your campaign has said that your running mate Robin has gone "rogue" and is not doing what you've told him to do. That he's running his own campaign!

Blue has been telling you stuff! Robin am a good running mate and when he does something stupid, which he am going to do because he am a boy, I has no problem in setting him right. He am the best running mate I could has that I could find in my back yard.

Its been said that you don't have enough experience to run a country. Would you comment on that?

I has had to take care of David for his entire life! Almost all of my life! No country can be as stupid as David am! I has lived in a house with FOUR BOYS! I is the best bossy dog in the world. And I still tells the best jokes in the whole world! See there am me telling the joke about why does cats cross the road!

Why do cats cross the road?

To hold they pants up! No, I mean to gets away from me cause I is chasing them like a good dog should!

Ms Shelby, if elected have you given any thoughts to who would be in the cabinet?

I would not lock nobody up in no cabinet excepting maybe bad cats. Locking dogs up am bad!

No. Who would your advisors be, your secretary of defense, secretary of the treasury and the Surgeon General?

You should learn to says what you means like I does.
I don't need no advice!
I is already the greatest fighting dog in the world so who could be better than me for Secretary of Defense. I is the greatest doctor dog in the world so I would be the Surgeon General especially if I gets to wear a new medal. I loves me them medals. Since I has them jobs I should get them paychecks too! Now David has more money than anybody I knows and he am very stingy with it so he can be Secretary of the Money but he don't get no pay!

Thank you Ms Candidate. Is there anything you'd like to say in closing?

Yes. I is giving you all a GREAT PRESENT! And I is not even charging you nothing for it! NOTHING. FREE!
You can send people great postcards. Pictures of me! And them other guys. You know them other guys. Robin, Blue and a special Halloween card! Halloween am a great holiday cause you gets CANDY!
Just click these words here and you can go sends a great postcard! It am free and you only needs email addresses. We don't saves them so you just sends them postcards and people will be so happy to get a picture of me!
You has to write you own words. I can't do everything for you.
See, now who am you going to vote for? A beautiful girl who gives you great free stuff or a boy who loves him some cats!
Vote!
I is Shelby and I has approved this message and I is taking a nap!!

I is now a politician!

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 19:25:40 -0500

I has gotted me an email from my old buddy Jack.
I likes hearing from old friends as much as I like hearing from new friends.
You know what?
You will never guesses no matter how many times you guess.
Jack am him running for PRESIDENT!
That's right! I couldn't make up no jokes like that!
I know what you am thinking. There am their picture.
Now, what am wrong with this picture? You is probably thinking that.
I will tell you in case you am a boy. IT AM TWO BOYS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT!!
BOYS! Who would be stupid enough to let boys be in charge of anything!?!
I is sure that you has noticed that whenever anything am really really messed up it am a boy who has done the messing and it am always a girl who has to come in and cleans up the messes!
It am true. All you has to do am thinks bout it for a minute and you will know it am so!
This am very worrisome. If Jack am in charge I just knows he will messes stuff up. Even though I has taught Jack pretty good I only teached him stuff for a few months. It takes you years and years to teaches a boy anything and even then boys will usually forgets the smart stuff you has teached them. It am so true.
Just look at David and you will know how true it am. I has teached him for 3 years and he still hardly knows anything. I has to watches him very careful.
So I has put my super genius brain to work on this problem because I knows that if a boy he am running things it will be just a terrible terrible mess. And I is not going to cleans it up!
I has figured out that the only way to stop Jack from messing things up is to take a job where I can bosses him and everybody else.
If Jack am going to be him a president I will has to be the Queen!
Queen Shelby. You has to admit that do sound just so right. Don't it?
To keep the boys happy. You has to keep boys happy. They am just so many of them and when they is unhappy they do so many dumb things trying to be happy that you just don't want to knows about it!
I has decided to let Robin be my Vice-Queen! Boys will say, "We have to obey Queen Shelby. She can beat us up! And Robin is a boy just like us so he will make sure Shelby doesn't make any rules that might make us be smarter or cleaner or other stuff us boys don't like to be!"
Boys! Only a boy could think Robin could bosses me even a little bit! But they will think that. Then they will votes for me! I is such a super genius!
I has picked Robin instead of Blue because Robin am very calm. He always says, "Shelby, I know you can beat up anyone in the world but sometimes you just shouldn't!" And Robin am always biting David and that makes me laugh.
Blue always is saying, "Shelby, can you beat up this guy for me?"
When I is the Queen me beating everybody up might start wars or something stupid.
Robin were him so excited to find out that he were going to be my Vice Queen he runned right out and got hisself a hair cut! Don't he look dumb!
I was laughing and laughing and Robin him said, "My mom thinks I look beautiful with my hair cut. She said I was gorgeous. That's the word she used: Gorgeous! That means really beautiful, almost as beautiful as Shelby!"
Of course I just laughed at him even harder. He will be a great Vice Queen.
First thing I has to do is gets people to votes for me. Blue wanted to help. I said okay so he am my campaign manager. First thing he done was to take him a nap. That am a lot smarter than most boys usually is.
I said, "What we needs am a big parade!"
Robin said, "That's a great idea, Shelby!" That am why he will makes a good Vice Queen! He knows when to agrees with me.
Of course old Blue wants him to be in the parade.
Then my big brain starts thinking. We can't just have us no parade for nothing! I knows that people gets a thrill getting to see me but if I has to go out and walks around I thinks I should get paid for it!
So I has me even another super genius idea! I will have a parade so that people can looks at me AND they has to give us money to save all them poor dogs who don't has them no good forever home!
You is saying to yourself now, "That Shelby is so smart! She'll be a great Queen! I wish I could vote for her a thousand times!"
There am a picture of us starting out on our campaign trail. Blue am in front and I is in the middle! Blue's job am to yell, "Vote For Shelby!"
Blue am very good at yelling even if he do forget what he am supposed to be yelling sometimes!
People got so terrible excited when they learns they can votes for me! This guy comed running up to look at me and then he runned all over the place yelling, "Vote for Shelby! Vote for Shelby!"
And this little guy runned so fast you could hardly see him! He comed up to me and says, "Are you THE Shelby!" and before I could say, "Yes, I is!" he was off running around shouting, "I have seen Shelby! I talked to Shelby!"
Blue and Robin was working hard for boys. You see that there brown dog? See how his jaw nearly hit the floor when he saw that it were really me walking behind this parade?!
He said, "I don't know how to vote but I sure as heck am going to learn so I can vote for you Shelby! Can you make them give me more treats?"
I told him. "More treats is what I is going to see to first when I is bossing people!"
He runned off yelling, "Vote for Shelby! Vote for more treats and ice cream!"
This spotted dog walks up to me and says, "If I vote for you Shelby will you make them take this stupid thing off my face?"
I told him, "First thing I is going to do is make dumb people wears them silly leashes and let smart dogs walk around and goes into restaurants and stores that sells good stuff for dogs!"
He said, "I'm voting for you Shelby and I'll beat up anybody who says they won't vote for you too!"
This guy walked up to me and said, "Shelby, there is a very mean cat who lives in my house and you know what?"
I said, "I bet that mean old stinky cat goes to the bathroom in the house and it swats you on your nose when you wasn't doing nothing wrong but smelling it to see if that terrible smell were coming from it!"
He said, That's right! Shelby, you are so smart."
"Of course I is!" I said, "First thing is is going to do when I is Queen is make all them cats get them rubber teeths and rubber claws so that if they swat a good dog it won't even sting. Then I will make them all goes to the bathroom outside! "Really! I'm voting for you Shelby!" And he runned away yelling, "Vote for Shelby! She'll put all them cats where they belong! OUTSIDE!"
Oh we walked up and down that campaign trail for a terrible long time. We kept getting everybody to vote for us, just everybody.
It went just like I expected.
I was surprised by one thing. Robin really did his job! That am amazing for a boy. He kept on spreading our message of "Vote for Shelby!" everywhere he went.
And BLUE! Him were so proud to be doing something important! He were really really trying. He even tried to talk to people! That did not go so good.
Blue got this lady to ask me, "Shelby, before I vote for you I need to know what you will do about the economy."
So I used my big brain and said, "Lady, the economy am it a very important subject and what I is going to do is have Blue looks it up and then I will gives you a answer later on!"
She said, "Why that's brilliant Shelby! I am certainly planning to vote for you!"
They was just so many questions. Its not everyday people gets to look on a beautiful dog like me and then when they finds out I will lets them talk to me it were just crazy crazy.
I is used to being popular so I has figured out how to handle it and the right way to answer all them dumb questions they has.
Like I told this guy, "First thing I is going to do is make a law that says no stupid scarves on dogs necks!"
And I told this guy "First thing I is going to do is tell them 'all big dogs has to be treated extra nice so that they never gets sad from being picked on!'"
I was so popular. Of course.
Soon all them dogs were running all over the place yelling, "Votes for Shelby, Vote for Shelby!"
Oh it were so beautiful hearing all them dogs yelling my beautiful name.
And you knows the very best part of my day on the campaign trail. We got a terrible terrible amount of money to save them dogs. It were a terrible amount of money. But it weren't enough money to save all of them.
The really very first thing I is going to do when I elected your Queen is make it be a law that people can't be mean to no dogs and to other kids.
It should be that way already but I don't think it is.
I has seed an awful lot people being mean. No dog should ever be scared or alone and no kids should be either, not even boy kids.
Everybody should has them enough to eat and a good place to sleep and not be scared of being hit by someobody bigger than them.
I is Shelby and I has approved this message.
Now I needs me a nap!

Busy am the word that means Shelby!

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 23:22:40 -0500

I is just about the busiest girl in the world.
You know why?
Cause you people keeps writing to me!
That am just the price I has to pay for being so great and so beautiful. I is just cursed that way.
You don't has to cry for me and you should keeps writing to me unless you am writing about stupid stuff like how great cats am or how all boys am not stupid. Everybody them knows that cats are terrible smelly things that goes to the bathroom INSIDE and that all boys am stupid especially boys named David and I has me plenty of proof about that!
You know what somebody has did?
They has drawed me a picture of my buddy Ben!
Don't that look just like Ben?
I don't remember him having all them lines around him but maybe I just never noticed, me being all busy and all.
It don't smell nothing like Ben. I still recognized him right off. This girl, for of course it am a girl, am nearly as great a artist as I is has drawed him really good!
I has made David put the picture up on the wall so we can always look at it and remember our buddy.
David has done something that has made me very nervous and busy. Nervous means you know a boy am doing something stupid. Because he am a boy he don't listen to a smart girl tell him he am being stupid.
He has got a clothes bath machine!!
You know what a cleaning fool that David am. Once he starts cleaning junk he don't stop till he gets to his dog!
I can tell you I is not going into no big old machine. I is a beautiful great smelling girl who don't need her no bath!
I is very busy keeping me an eye on David and hims cleaning machines. So busy I is going to let a dumb old boy talks to you.
I don't understand people. A whole lot of you has writted me asking me questions about BLUE!
I has not time to be thinking about boys! So I is going to let Blue answer his own questions.

Hi. I am Blue.
I have never had to talk to so many people before. I hardly ever talk to people. They don't listen to me real well. I get used to it though.
I don't know why you want to ask me stuff. I just like to eat and sleep and play. I fight a lot with Shelby too. So if you got questions about eating, sleeping, playing or fighting Shelby I guess I know the answers to them questions.

Glenda from Michigan wants to know: "How did Blue get so big!"
You are lucky Glenda. I am very good at math. Just give me a minute here to do some figuring. Questions about how big I am need long division.
I am so big because I am exactly so tall.
That was a very easy question. I'm glad. I like them easy.

Warren from California asks: "Is Shelby your best friend?"
Shelby is sure my friend. Without her around I'd never know how dumb I am! She teaches me to fight and stuff. One day I'll beat her too!
Robin is my brother and he is also my good friend. We fight all the time and we sleep on the same floor and share a sofa and he doesn't get mad if I eat his food! Try and eat some of Shelby's food and you'll really know what a bit butt feels like!
But I think my best friend is Shelby's brother, Jimmy. He drove all the way from Chicago to visit me. He even bought me treats! When he was here we had a great time together. We went places and did stuff and I let him play with some of my toys! Jimmy said I can come visit him. I have to give Shelby a nickel a week for fighting lessons but as soon as I save up enough money I'm going to go stay with Jimmy and we're going to start up a business!
Jimmy says we'll sell insurance. Jimmy is very smart. He says I'll go with him into china shops and crystal shops and stuff and people will pay us money to not come back! It sounds like a very hard job but I am sure I can do it! Jimmy says that it's not that I'm clumsy or nothing like that it is just that people don't know how to build things for a big dog like me.

Dan from Pembroke wrote: "Blue is really big. Does he ever get mad? He's be real scary if he got mad."
Gosh, you don't have to be scared of me! I only get mad when people don't play with me or if I don't get my MDP's (Minimum Daily Pets). Other that that I'm pretty happy go lucky. I like to fight but not for hurting only for playing. I get mad at Shelby because she teases me! She'll come in and steal your toy right while you're playing with it! I only get mad because I can't beat her up! Once I got mad because David wouldn't give me a ham sandwich! He can be very mean to a big dog.

Maria from Texas wants to know how old I am!
Maria, I don't exactly know. When I was born I didn't know too much. Don't be mad at me. Its just the way I was. I'm a lot smarter now. I have figured out how old I am by counting my ears! I think I am two. What is important is that I am younger than Shelby!

That is a lot of talking for me. I need me a nap!
It was very nice talking to you. When I go visit my buddy Jimmy I'm sure he won't mind if you all come by and visit us. We can play some good games and then we can all take a nap!
I like a good nap! It just makes the day seem a lot nicer. Don't you think?

Yesterday were his birthday!

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 10:54:46 -0500

It were David's birthday so I woked him up with just a beautiful kiss on his face and then I said, "Happy Birthday! What you going to give me?!?!"
A day isn't much good if you is not giving a great dog a present! And I did give him a very very nice kiss.
I said, "I wants me a fast car and a mobile phone so I can call all my friends! And some bon bons!" I don't know for sure what a bon bon am but I think they must be very delicious. I wants to be sitting on my sofa and talking to my friends while I eats me some bon bons. Then I can go out and races in my new car. I is a great driver and I bet I will win me plenty of races, just plenty!
David he just pets me on my noggin and he goes outside WITHOUT HIS DOG! How stupid am that. How can he has a birthday without him a great dog? Stupid, stupid stupid.
That am why I has to stay with him. He am so stupid I is always having to saves him.
When he comed back we had us a party!
Since I was there it were a pretty good party. See that food?
It am good food. It am BACON! SAUSAGE! SHELBY ICE CREAM! CHICKEN! and some cookies!
You can see I ated my bacon first. Bacon am a very good food for a dog. Very good.
I saved my desert for last cause that am what you does when you am a sophisticated girl like I is.
Robin ated his bacon last cause he am a boy and don't know no better. He said that the bacon were so delicious smelling that he wanted to eat it and then just remember how it tasted the rest of the day.
That am almost pretty smart, but only almost.
Blue am Blue of course so he ated all his food up in one big mouthful!!
He says it were all so delicious with all them flavors just rolling around on his tongue and on his teeths.
Right away Blue just wanted him some more!
I don't blame him for that but it am stupid of him to think he am going to get more. If them am more to get you know it am going to be me getting it!
Then me and the ladie did us some girl birthday stuff!
We are such girls but I is still tough!
We painted us our nails! LOOK AT MINE!
I said paint mine blood red so that people will be thinking I has been out fighting! There am nothing more beautiful than a girl dog who has been fighting is what I think.
I cannot see them colors but you can! Am that really blood red?
I don't trust David about fashion. Look how he dresses! I has never once seed him in a beautiful fur coat and never in a coat as beautiful as mine!
So that were David's birthday.
You may has noticed I did not get me no race car and I did not get me no mobile phone. That am why I is not calling you. David tried to tell me a big old story that Shelby ice cream am the same as bon bons. I is not very sure about that.
You has probably also noticed I is not complaining about it.
Yet.

I is the most generous dog in the world!

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 12:29:17 -0500

I has learned a new word!
Even when you am a super genius like me you still can learn new stuff. That am hard to believe but it am true.
My new word it am GOURMET!
It means you loves your food! That means I is probably the greatest gourmet in the world because nobody can loves food as much as I do!
It also means you am very sophisticated. We all knows how sophisticated I is.
When you goes to eat what you has to do is ask the waiter, who, for me, am usually David. If you am guessing he am a terrible waiter you am guessing right. It am not very hard to guesses that!
What you has to do is you ask to smell the can lid! I has watched me a lot of movies and all them sophisticated gourmets like me am always smelling can lids and bottle caps!
When you am smelling that lid it am good manners to take a lick. That way you get a extra bite of food that your dumb old waiter was either going to steal for hisself or throw away!
After you has smelled the lid you has to say sophisticated stuff like, "Lamb & Rice, 2008 May, the grocery store."
You has to say that real loud so that people will looks at you and go "Oooo, what a sophisticated lady!"
Now some of you people has tried to be mean to me. You has said, "Shelby, stop being so mean to Blue!"
I IS NEVER MEAN. I is the nicest dog in the world! You know I is!
I couldn't be mean if I wanted to. And you am all pretty lucky I has a full schedule or I be coming around to bite all you butts!
Saying I is mean!
Look there. That am proof. See Blue and Robin am playing WITH MY TOY!!
Is I biting they butts? NO!
Even though Blue deserves his butt being bit for stealing my toys I is not biting his butt. I is so nice.
No what you can see is that I is busy thinking about what I is going to have for dinner and other very important stuff, like WHEN IS I GOING TO HAVE DINNER!
Even Blue, who am a stupid boy who steals a good girl's toys, knows I is not mean to him even when he deserves to be meaned to!
See, there he am smiling away. Would you be smiling if you knowed the toughest fighting dog in the world were going to be mean to you?
Not even A Blue boy who steals my toys would be that crazy! But I forgives you for thinking sweet little me could ever be mean. I really does.
I is going to prove it to you.
I is going to share a super secret with you.
It am a recipe.
Shelby food!
What am greater than that? I is just too generous to people especially people who calls me mean!
Not only am it Shelby food it am SHELBY ICE CREAM!
Did you just faint?
I bet you did! I don't blame you. This am very exciting!
Being ice cream this am very very healthy! IT IS! And you don't even need no adults to help you makes it!!
But let the adults buy the stuff to make it. That way you can save you nickels for super important stuff like mailing me some of the extra ice cream you has made to show that you is grateful I has forgived you or maybe just because you want to be as nice as me!
I will be out by the mailbox.

Shelby Ice Cream
32 oz non-fat all natural gelatin-free plain yogurt
1 mashed banana
2 T peanut butter (this am very important. Peanut butter has extra delicious vitamins!)
2 T honey

Mix all these ingredients in your blender or food processor or just stirs it all up real good. If you am rich you can uses a salt-less automatic ice cream maker. This makes this easy!
If you am not rich get you some of them 5 oz paper cups. Pour in all this raw ice creams and then freezes them up!
Then when you good dog am ready to have him a delicious treat, which am always when you am a gourmet like me, just takes out a cup and peels off the paper.
Then you will has you one very happy dog!
I is not being mean. I is still waiting out by the mailbox.
You has not mailed me my share of the Shelby Ice Creams!
I is not being mean. I is just noticing.
I is also noticing that my teethes am very very sharp.
Just noticing.

I has been busy laughing!

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 10:46:57 -0500

You want to know what I is really been laughing at?
I know you do. We all needs us to be laughing most of the time!
Look at that picture!
<-- That picture there.
You is thinking, "Oh my! Isn't Shelby the most beautiful dog you've ever seen!"
This is true but right after that you is thinking, "Gosh, what are Robin and Shelby looking at? They sure are looking hard! And it looks like they're laughing!"
Its am hard to take a picture of a laugh especially when you has a lousy photogetter like David.
I will tells you what we is laughing at!
IT AM BLUE!!!! He gotted hisself a haircut! LOOK!
Isn't that the funniest thing you has ever seed!
We were really laughing!
Now you am going, "Oh Shelby! Blue is very funny looking but it is not very nice of you to laugh at people because of the way they look! You are usually the nicest dog in the world!"
I IS the nicest dog in the world, that am true. See this is why I has to teach you stuff!
You just thinks a minute.
You should be saying, "Shelby is laughing at Blue. That is a mean thing to do. Shelby is not a mean girl, she is a good girl. So she must be laughing at Blue because he has been very very bad!"
See that am logic. It am something you doesn't use very much that am why I has to teaches it to you.
Blue were him very very bad!
When I tells you you won't believes it!
I was making David make us a delicious pizza. Oh, it were so beautiful. I made David puts on all these very delicious ingredients like cheese and then a little extra cheese.
It were a giant pizza. We loves our pizza around here! We all eats it and shares and we tells gossip and I tells jokes and between mouthfuls everybody always says, "Tell us another funny story, Shelby!"
And if you think it am because I can't eat and talk at the same time you is wrong! Cause I sure can talk and eat pizza at the same time! I is very talented.
Our pizza parties are the best! You can come over for one sometime. You bring the pizza!
I was trying to explain to dumb David that what our pizza needed were some delicious ice cream right on the top of it!
While I was telling him how delicious some good old creamy ice cream with some bacon sprinkles all over it would be you could see David's eyes going all funny like he was imagining just how delicious that pizza ala Shelby would be when you won't believe it!
I must have made that pizza sound so delicious that Blue couldn't stand it! He jumped up, grabbed the pizza from the counter and runned outside and ATE THE WHOLE THING BY HISSELF!!!
I couldn't believes it.
I stood there with my mouth open. That am what you do when you sees something you can't believes! Try it! Even if you doesn't see something you can't believe if you stand there with you mouth open and look like that pretty soon you will think there am all kinds of stuff you can't believe! It am a great trick!
So Blue ruined our great pizza party AND I DIDN'T GET ME NO PIZZA!
Even Robin were mad at Blue!
So to gets even with him when Blue were getting his haircut we made us a even gooder pizza and we had us a party without Blue!
We missed Blue being there but it were more fun talking about him and how sad he were going to be when he seed we had us a party without him!
Serves him right!
Oh he were terrible sad. Just terrible.
He said he were sorry and would never steal him no more pizza unless he shared it with me first.
I believes him because nobody am silly enough to want me to be mad at them!
Since he apologized and since I ended up getting me some pizza (even if it didn't have no delicious ice creams on it) I said, "Blue, since you know you weres a bad boy I will forgives you!"
See how great and kind I is.
I even gived him a kiss! See!
I still think David should have let me beat him up but I were being all noble and stuff so I forgived him and then I stole his cows ear.

Some people don't know when they am good off!

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 20:28:40 -0500

Do you know what David said to me?
You'll never guess!
He said I complain about EVERYTHING!
Darn right I do! If I doesn't complain then nobody around here ever fixes nothing! And I could go hungry or not get the pets I need or not gets all the cookies I deserve!
It would be very terrible!
At least for me.
There am plenty of things I should be complaining about but I don't! Mainly because David don't even fix the things I is already complaining about!
And he said, "Shelby, if you had a kajillion dollars you'd complain about having to pay taxes on it." TAXES!
Why would they wants a poor little bitty dog like me who has no money to gives them taxes! You have to complain about that and you know you do!
Even Old Blue him are complaining. He says it am too hot and he says he am not getting him no haircut no matter how hot it gets.
See Robin didn't complain and he got him a haircut.
We is laughing at him but we can't put up no picture because he said he would get mad at me if I do.
Robin said, "If my mom wants me looking all stupid she has a really good reason! That doesn't mean you should make people laugh at me!"
Boys. There am something else people should all be doing more complaining about. Boys!
One thing no one complains about am their old friends.
I has heard me from J-Dog and Jack. Neither one of them sent me no presents.
J-Dog she am doing pretty good. She says that she gets to pick blackberries right off the bush and eats them right up. Her forever home has it a food tree!
I don't has me no food tree but you notice I isn't complaining about that. I isn't even complaining about J-Dog not sending me none of them delicious blackberries!
I knows J-Dog pretty good. If she am eating something you know it am delicious!
She is pretty happy in her forever home. She says she's sure not leaving it!
Jack has writed me with some very big news. He am going to have him a brother or a sister. He hasn't figured this part out yet. I don't know why he can't figure out what his new sister am going to be a boy or a girl.
If I was there I could figure it all out and smells it up just like that!
Jack am him pretty happy about this. I hope his new sister am a girl. It takes a good girl to smarten Jack up you know.
Jack did send me a movie. A movie am not a present. You can't eat it!

It am a pretty good movie. Pretty good. It am not a great movie cause I isn't in it! You can watches it anyway.
I has to take me a nap and figure out what else am wrong around here.
Not that anybody will ever fixes nothing around here.
Unless of course I does it. That am always the way it am. I has to do EVERYTHING!
It am a good thing I is so great.

Jimmy's Summer Vacation

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 20:53:49 -0500

My brother comes to visit me so he can steal all my friends!
Its true!
Last time he comed he was all buddy buddy with my friend J-Dog. But she am a girl and a girl am always smarter than any old boy. But this time Jimmy am saying his best friend am BLUE!!
Two boys. I is shaking my head, and pointing my eyes up at the ceiling at the same time.
You should try it and then you will know exactly how I feels about that!
But that am not what am really really important.
No.
I tooks all them boys to my lake so they could do them some super scientific investigating.
I know I is so great that it am sometimes very hard for you to remember all the things I is great at. One of the things I is great at am being a super scientific experimenter discover girl!
Here am proof. At the lake I has made this great discovery. Just look!!
That's right! Shelby, your modest friend, has made her another great scientifical discovery!
I has found a new kind of dinosaur!!!
It am a very interesting dinosaur. I know it am a new kind because it am tasting terrible! And everybody knows dinosaurs am usually very delicious.
If they was not so good tasting they would probably be whole lots more dinosaurs running around today!
The best thing about making a new scientifical discovery is that the discoverer (who am me) gets to name what it is they has found! Naming stuff am almost as much fun as discovering stuff! You probably don't know that because you has not discovered much stuff. I am always making great discoveries so I is very experienced in this.
You is probably saying to yourself, "Shelby will probably call her new dinosaur a Shelbysaurus! That is a great name!"
You is right. That would be a great name. But you am wrong too. I just told you the good part first so you wouldn't feel like a dumb old boy. I is so polite. Sometimes.
For a while I used my giant brain to thinks up a real good joke name. Just imagine if you went to school and opened your books and had to learn all about the "Poopis-head-stinky-tasting-spotted-yukkyy-saur!" That would be such a good joke!
But a new kind of dinosaur am too serious a thing to make jokes about even real good jokes like that! I was thinking of the second greatest dinosaur discoverer in the world: My buddy Ben. We once fought a whole passel of dinosaurs together and we even found us a snake! Cause Ben were my friend and cause he were a great discoverer I is naming this new dinosaur guy Benjisaurus Rex!
You has to pretend they is a whole big band playing and drums bashing and stuff then you has to say BENJISAURUS REX in a real big voice!. That am what they usually does when a great scientist am naming stuff.
Now you am probably saying, "Shelby, this is a very important announcement about the new dinosaur you've discovered but we all really want to know about your handsome brother Jimmy and how his visit went!"
Sometimes you is very pushy. I was going to get to it!
That am Jimmy. He comed.
He bought me LOTS of presents! Like a moose and some pizza cookies and some salmon cookies and some cow toes.
I wonders if Jimmy knows how lucky he am to have such a great sister to give stuff to. Just think of all the poor boys out there who want to be all nice and generous and who doesn't has them no great sister! Poor dumb old boys.
Jimmy sure am lucky he can gives stuff to me!
When Jimmy first got here he tried to beat me up! He did. He said he had been exercising and taking fighting lessons from some police dogs. I figure they was boy police dogs cause Jimmy sure don't fight him no gooder! I beat him up real easy!
That am good good for Jimmy cause when you is a girl dog, after you beats somebody up, even if it am your brother you has to be friends with them! Even with boys.
It am a rule or something.
So I introduced Jimmy to Robin and Blue. I didn't has to introduce him to dumb old David. Jimmy sure remembered him. He said David has sure not gotted himself no smarter! I has to agree with him about that! It am very embarrassing especially since you know how hard I works trying to teach David something. I'd be happy if he would learn him anything!
So I was showing Jimmy around my yard and showing him which of my neighbor dogs he has to bark fight with and where the rabbits has dug them some holes when the next thing I know he Jimmy am not listening (Does boys EVER listen?) I looks up and Jimmy am off playing with his new best friend BLUE!
He was even trying to teach Blue how to drive his car!!
Blue am too big to even fit in a car right! How can he drives it?!?
See, there am photographical proof! Blues big old head am denting the ceiling and making big old lumps in the roof!
Boys! All you can do am shake your head real slow. Like I does.
Jimmy says, "Big sister, please take us to your lake. And please let Blue and Robin come!"
Aunt Sheryl, Uncle Chuck, David and mare comed along with us. I don't know why them people comed. I guess it were to make sure us dogs didn't have so much fun we forgets to go home!
I think the lake were the best part of Jimmy's Summer Vacation. It were pretty good. Pretty good.
Of course I won the race! When you am with your borther you is always racing no matter what it am you is doing. Jimmy kept him trying too but I is just a greater racer! And even while I was racing I discovered me a new dinosaur and a turtle! (Turtles probably look like dinosaurs to you but I is a scientist so I knows they am just turtles. But they are very exciting for something that am not a dinosaur.)
Everybody loves going to Lake Shelby. (See, I discovered it so it am mine and I named it.) See Robin up there. He were saying, "Gosh Shelby, your lake is sure beautiful"
That am so. Now you needs to take a look at that picture over there.
This over there! -->
See, some peoples looks at that picture and they say, "Oh my! What a pair of handsome dogs!" or, "Ooo, doesn't that look beautiful! The blue sky, the shimmering clear water the vast expanse of trees!"
They am wrong.
What that am a picture of is two big butts!!
Poodle butts just ripe for biting!
I was going to get me some good bites in too but then Jimmy decided to play a good joke on Uncle Chuck. See Jimmy would jump in the water and then he'd just jump all over Uncle Chuck. Oh we was all laughing at that. So Jimmy did it again and again!
You know it just kept getting funnier every time he did it!
And then, you know what? Jimmy's vacation were over. He had to go back home. I thought Blue were going to cry. Blue kept him saying "Jimmy, I will come visits you!"
He kept telling Robin that Jimmy were his new best friend and he kept him saying, "Well, Jimmy says this and Jimmy says that." Blue were very boring. Everyone am boring when they am not talking about me!
But I am pretty glad Jimmy did come to see me. He bought me lots of good presents and that am very very important.
I gived him a great present too. I gived him a whole cow's ear!
I didn't want to. David made me.
I hope Jimmy comes to see me some more. And brings me more presents!
He tried to kiss me!!

My friend Ben has gone

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 20:11:59 -0500

I is pretty sad today.
My buddy Ben decided to go away and he am not coming back.
David explained to us that Ben has to go to Rainbow Bridge. That am a real place where dogs go to take care of peoples who has lost they dogs and for them good dogs to wait for they friends to show up.
Ben were a very good dog. We has had us some great adventures. We has caught us snakes, and dinosaurs and we has ate us a lot of pizzas let me tell you.
I wishes Ben was still here to play and fight with me. He were the smartest boy I has ever met.
Rainbow Bridge has sure gotted itself a great dog.

Somethings are just too mean and terrible

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 00:20:21 -0500

It am't enough that I has beated up my enemy the lawn mower. It am't enough that I deserves me a good rest and sleep!
Nope. First old crazy David give Ben him a bath.
That were pretty funny, really.
But then he gived me a bath! It were terrible. And I hardly had me a chance to get me smelling good since the last stupid bath!
I has to go takes me a real long sleep!

I has a new enemy!

Fri, 23 May 2008 10:30:19 -0500

It am true.
I has me a very strong enemy. Strong enemies am the best kind. Weak enemies you just forgets about!
You am saying to yourself, "Shelby only makes enemies of things that are mean to dogs and kids! What terrible thing has she discovered?!?"
It am very evil. It might be the most evil thing I has ever seed. It have it a name and it am called, "Lawnmower"!
You can see it am not only evil it am ugly too!
I don'ts care that David likes it so much he locks me inside the house so he can go out and plays with it. I don't even cares that he just follows it around wherever it wants to go. That just proves to me how crazy dumb old David really am!
I don't even care that it just shows how I has wasted all that good training and teaching I has gived David.
I studies this Lawnmower from the window and what has made it my enemy am this. I was watching it real close when I saw it takes one of my good chewing sticks and it ATED IT! And then it spitted out the pieces!
I wasn't even finished with it! It had plenty of good chews left in that stick!
Then that Lawnmower looked right at me and LAUGHED!
So this means it am war between me and Lawnmower.
It will be hard. It barks it really loud. But I has to fight it!
I is a little scared of it. That don't mean much. Being brave means being a little scared but fighting stuff anyway!
If it wins it will be very bad for me. Don't you be scared. They is plenty of other great dogs to be your friend.
Okay. I know they am not so great as me but then nobody am.
Robin and Ben thinks they am the greatest dogs in the world. HA HA!
That am me not really laughing. That am pretend laughing cause that idea am so silly. Ben am a great dog. Robin am a great dog. But is they great enough to takes my place?
All I can say to that is that they am BOYS!
Boys all thinks they am great! They do!
Even old Blue here am saying, "I'm great as Shelby. I even know me two or three good jokes I like to tell over and over!"
Two or three good jokes. They am not good jokes and he do tell them over and over. Blue don't care if you laughs at them jokes or not!
Boys!
My brother Jimmy thinks he am the greatest dog in the world. That am him wearing his baseball clothes.
I has to admit jimmy am nearly as handsome as I is beautiful. I has played baseball with Jimmy. Of course I wons that game but he am pretty good.
What we needs to know is am he great enough?
To take my place?
He am my brother but he am still just a boy!
And he am not a great a fighter like me!
See that little dog with Jimmy? That real tiny little dog there?
That am Logan.
That am the kind of dogs Jimmy beats up. And you is probably thinking to yourself, "Shelby! Logan isn't the least bit afraid of Jimmy! Jimmy must not be a great fighter like you!"
I is glad you agrees with me!
I bet if we asked him Logan would tells us he am the greatest dog in the world!
In that picture it sure looks like he am getting ready to gives Jimmy what for! Wouldn't that be funny seeing Jimmy get all beats up by a little guy like that?
You might not think so but I sure do!
Here are three more dogs who think they am the greatest!
They thinks they am so great because they won the dog race that I won last year!
That am very very great because they wons it for all them dogs with no forever homes.
That am Fenna and a Golden Retriever who am not my neighbor Quincy but who am really Teddy and that last dog am my old buddy Jack.
Jack am always thinking he am as great as me! Just cause I taught him up so good! I is a great teacher but I don't knows if I is great enough to teach a boy to be as great as me.
No. I will just has to beats up this old lawnmower and stay the greatest dog in the world.
What else can I do?
The things I do for my friends!

This am what a great birthday looks like!

Sat, 17 May 2008 19:02:57 -0500

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Thu, 15 May 2008 10:49:12 -0500

Today am my birthday!
I is 3 years old! Can you believes it?
You is probably saying to yourself, "Shelby, how did you get so great in just 3 years?"
It were easy! It would be very hard for you. That am just the way things go.
It am also my brother Jimmy's birthday. So you can say Happy birthday to him too.
And my brother Ballou, and Layla and Donita too.
I don't know how they got the same birthday as me. It don't seem quite fair!
Since it am my birthday it am probably a international holiday so you probably am not in school. I is sure that no bad old germs would make any of my friends sick on my birthday so all you kids am probably out playing and not reading my great adventures.
So I will tells you all about them tomorrow.
I promise. It am going to be great!
It better be or a certain lazy somebody am getting they butt bit!